March 1999

March 3, 1999

I heard it on the radio today: Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers. You guys don't know how much that song helped me through the rough times. There have been some particularly low times, and I think that song along with a few other little things is why I didn't totally flip out - and why I'm still sitting here. Last year..it was rough.

I've been home sick the last two days..I don't like being sick. It makes me so tired..I really don't have anything to say right now. I'm beta testing like five things..so I'll be throwing online newspaper articles at you and trying to sell you junk and all sorts of interesting things..I better run and get to work. Hasta!

March 6, 1999

Darn it!! Mr. K----, my math teacher, checked homework. I'm really extra behind on homework because I've been so sick...the problem is that the second I get home I collapse on the bed and fall fast asleep. I then proceed to sleep until dinner (sometimes while I'm eating dinner; remind me to tell you some stories about eating dinner when I'm asleep). And then I sleep again until morning. Sleeping leaves no time for either work or fun. Grrr...I'm not going to swim today, I've decided. I'm too tired. Yesterday my parents woke me up to do dishes, so I'm only awake now because of caffene. For English class, I have to read this depressing book called The Bell Jar. It's by Sylvia Plath. The book is basically an autobiographical novel about Plath's nervous breakdown and suicide attempt. Maybe after I'm done I should send it to someone..Nah, I don't want to waste my money..I'm up to page 80, but I don't see the depression yet. Maybe I'm too tired and depressed myself to get it.

March 11, 1999

Lately I've been riding Nebraska (Rocky). It's impossible to clean his hind right hoof, though. He has arthritis and that's his strongest leg, so he refuses to pick it up. Sometimes I get Texas, who is Miss Annoying. She knows all my problems and exploits them. Two weeks ago, I rode Pennsylvania and he decided to be naughty after a while *grin* and took off when I was tired. Silly guy. I met the girl who is probably going to buy Penn. She's nice, a little older than Marjorie-oneesama, I think, but not much. And she spends all her spare time with Penn. C'est bon.

March 16, 1999

I had a choir concert last night. I haven't been so embarrassed in quite some time. I had eaten at McDonald's before the concert; I had 20 Chicken McNuggets with hot mustard sauce. During the seventh movement (the final movement) of the Fauré Requiem, I started to feel sick. I didn't want to throw up(!) so I held it back. Hovever, holding it back makes me want to cough. So I tried to hold back my cough as the sopranos sang about a chorus of angels singing. I made it to the end of the song and, half a second after the song ended, I let out this loud, weird cough--during the one second period between when the choir finishes and the audience applauds. After I went home, I threw up. *frowns* And then again in the middle of the night. As it turns out, the hot mustard sauce from dinner had been exposed to the air at the McDonalds and had given me food poisoning once digestion began. Unluckily for me, digestion began at the wrong time. Oops.

March 19, 1999

I'm considering a few things. I'm scheduled to take either 4 or 5 APs next year. I'm definitely taking AP Computer Science A, AP Chemistry, AP English, and AP US History, but I also may take AP Calc or AP Stats. It depends. And my senior year looks even worse. Five or six APs. Hopefully Ms. P--------, our assistant principal, and Ms. G------, the math department chair, will let me take Pre-Calculus over the summer. I can't take another year of boredom!! :(

March 21, 1999

I got the most petrifying e-mail from someone today. Check this (slightly edited):

I don't know why I'm telling you this...I really don't... Maybe because this will hold some importance for you, somehow, someway. But anyway... I am going to make this as short as I can.

I have decided that it has come time for my pathetic waste of a life to end. I have managed in a very short time to ruin everything that has significance in my life. I have killed all my relationships with everyone that ever gave a damn about me. I have totally screwed up my chances of going to college and being something of value, so it's over...

Well, so I have told you. I am thinking tomorrow will be a great time to do it, since no one in my family will be home for a couple days. Well, now you know.

And how the heck am I supposed to respond to this?!?!?! Waaaahhhhhh!!!! And I cry. What am I to do?!?!

March 27, 1999

I've been so busy with Stairway the last few nights..what is Stairway? Stairway is short for Stairway Of The Stars, our big annual all-district music extravaganza. I hate it but I can't imagine life without it. Anyways, I'm on an extreme sugar-high (still!) from all the candy I ate.

Sometime soon I will be going to Las Vegas with friends. And I'll be spending a day with Marjorie-oneesama after that, who I haven't seen in far too long -- boohoo. So if I stop replying to e-mails for a few days, c'est pourquoi.

I'm performing some scenes for my acting class today. I'm worried. Especially since my ride isn't here to come get me yet. Aiieee!! I love to sing and ride much more than I love to act, honestly, but acting is good therapy: if you're in a bad mood, you can express it onstage and no one's the wiser. It's wonderful.

Just yesterday I was in another one of my "friendless funks" -- when I realize that my life is going to waste because I really have no friends. Not nearby anyway. What initiated it, I think, was the fact that I was complimenting this girl's webpage and said that I wish mine wasn't so ugly. And this girl's friend, D (who I've sort of known for a while, but never really made friends with) said, "why don't you fix it then?" in this really snobby, nasty way. And I walked away before I would let any of them see me cry. You know, D could have been a little nicer. I'm not sure if she meant to be mean or was just being informative or whatever..it doesn't really matter..but it still made me sad and got me into that little funk. When our swim coach came over and asked me what was wrong, I just sort of shrugged it off -- very typical for me to do. But I was still sad. I came home and gave Alexis (that girl ;) my webpage award..I'm really not friends with her, but I'm open to the idea of becoming friends with her! *smile* But nobody wants to be friends with Cheryl, of course. Why in my right mind should I think anyone wants to be friends with me?? I wish I understood why everyone avoids me so..I guess I'm just stupid. Or something.

By the way..do you remember in January, in my first January post, where I wrote:
...especially Kristine-sama [who] I know I've never really come to terms with...
Well, I think everything's okay between me and Kris right now. I think. How can I know? How am I to know anything? *G*

AND WHERE'S AMANDA TO TAKE ME TO ACTING?! :) :) :) I'm going to call her again - later!

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