How To Photograph A New Puppy

  1. Remove film from box and load camera.
  2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
  3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
  4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
  5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
  6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
  7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
  8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
  9.  Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
  10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
  11. Take flash  cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
  12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
  13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
  14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
  15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
  16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No,  outside!  No, outside!"
  17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
  18. Fix a drink.
  19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Reasons why Beer is better than men

  1. Beer makes you feel better when you have your period.
  2. Beer stains don't smell funny the next day.
  3. Beer goes where you want it to.
  4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you try on shoes at the mall.
  5. Your beer never suffers performance anxiety.
  6. When your beer won't get a head up, you can toss it out.
  7. Beer doesn't stand there tapping it wristwatch.
  8. No woman ever got stood up by a beer.
  9. A beer doesn't start a fistfight with an ale.
  10. Puking will rid you of that queasy feeling you get when you made the wrong choice.
  11. Beer doesn't get drunk and call you at 3am to beg.
  12. You don't need a restraining order with bad beer.
  13. I never met a beer with a criminal record.
  14. Beer labels come off when you want them to.
  15. When you go to a bar, you can pick up a beer without worrying about that tan line on his ring finger.
  16. You can pick up a beer in a bar right in front of your mom and she won't mind.
  17. Beer never has a bad temper.
  18. A beer won't throw you into the back seat of a 76' Datsun and dry hump you under a mercury vapor lamp.
  19. A beer won't toss you in the passenger seat of a Mazda RX7 and show you it can go 100MPH on a flat stretch.
  20. A beer doesn't bring strange people home with it.
  21. Its easy to give beer good head with minimal shaking up.
  22. You don't have to worry about a gag reflex with beer.
  23. You can have more than one beer in a night without feeling sore.
  24. You can talk to your girlfriends about your beer without it getting pissed off.
  25. You have a good idea where that beer has been before you got it.
  26. No one ever had to sleep in a beer spot.
  27. Beer doesn't dis' you because you are a babe.
  28. A beer won't shove its hand up your dress at your graduation party.
  29. You don't have to fake it for a beer. Beer has no ego.
  30. A cold beer is a good beer.
  31. Beer tastes good.
  32. Beer doesn't leave you. It snuggles around your hips for a lifetime.
  33. A beer doesn't hate your cat.
  34. You can get six at once without taxing yourself.
  35. A beer doesn't mind if you don't finish.
  36. A beer won't leave the lid up.

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THEN MEN

  1. Cats keep their opinions to themselves
  2. Cat's don't criticize your mother
  3. Cats never question how much you're eating
  4. Cats never claim they know how to fix larger appliances
  5. Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep
  6. Cats are happy to let you drive
  7. Cats always look good first thing in the morning
  8. One good purr can be worth a thousand words
  9. Cats don't complain when you get a short haircut
  10. Cats love it when you go shopping
  11. Cats never return the gifts you get them
  12. Cats are able to keep the romance alive

YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF:

  1. You know what a "burnout" is.     
  2. You know what "Sike" means.
  3. You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
  4. You know that another name for a keyboard is a"Synthesizer".
  5. You wanted to be a Goonie.       
  6. You know who Max Headroom is.
  7. You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
  8. You could breakdance, or wish you could.
  9. You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
  10. Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
  11. You wanted to be on StarSearch.
  12. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.                      
  13. You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
  14. You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
  15. You HAD to have your MTV
  16. You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to  the Future".         
  17. You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
  18. You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
  19. You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
  20. You saw the movie, "Garbage Pail Kids."
  21. You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
  22. You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.       
  23. You own any cassettes.
  24. You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
  25. You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.               
  26. Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
  27. Poltergeist freaked you out.
  28. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.         
  29. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.        
  30. You know what a Doozer is.
  31. You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
  32. You ever wore 'Jams.'
  33. You ever had a Swatch Watch.
  34. You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran
  35. You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
  36. You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
  37. You know what a "Whammee" is.
  38. You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are most certainly a product of the 80's!

WHAT THE COLLEGE VIEWBOOKS DON'T TELL YOU

  1.  Quarters are like gold.
  2.  Be creative in the dining hall.
  3.  Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
  4.  You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
  5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
  6.  New additions to the food groups:  Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
  7.  Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
  8.  Duct tape heals all wounds.  (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)
  9.  Showers become less important.
  10.  Sleep becomes more important.
  11.  Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
  12.  Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").
  13.  You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
  14.  10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.
  15.  Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
  16.  It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, alcohol...
  17.  If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
  18.  You begin to nap again.
  19.  Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
  20.  Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
  21.  Labs used to be fun.
  22.  T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
  23.  Squirt guns=stress relief.
  24.  E-mail becomes your second language.
  25.  Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
  26.  Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
  27.  You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
  28.  You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
  29.  Professors are like celebrities:  you see them, but they never see you.
  30.  Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.
  31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.
  32.  Roadtrip whenever possible.
  33.  Pick up all new lingo.
  34.  Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
  35.  Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
  36.  Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
  37.  The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
  38. Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.
  39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
  40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
  41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.
  42. It never sucked so much to get sick.
  43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
  44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
  45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not!
  46. You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.
  47.  Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
  48.  Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
  49.  Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
  50.  You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
  51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
  52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.
  53. Disney movies are more than just classics.
  54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
  55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
  56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.
  57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
  58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
  59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.
  60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
  61. You almost forget how to drive.
  62. You'll drink anything if it's free..
  63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.
  64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
  65.  The girl/guy you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
  66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.
  67. You never realized how cool you can be.
  68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
  69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.
  70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
  71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
  72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
  73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
  74.  You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls or guys, activities, work, parties...
  75.  You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
  76.  People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
  77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
  78.  You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
  79. Procrastination becomes an art.
  80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).
  81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
  82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
  83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.
  84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
  85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
  86.  You have two kinds of shoes:  everyday shoes and party shoes.
  87. Classes: the later the better.
  88.  The cute girls actually talk to you now.
  89.  Care packages make it all worthwhile.
  90.  The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
  91.  Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.
  92. You just don't learn last names.
  93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
  94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
  95. Card games never lasted for hours before.
  96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
  97.  Boys will dance in college.
  98.  People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
  99. You are NEVER alone.
  100. You find out what beer sludge is.
  101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two  seconds.
  102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
  103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
  104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
  105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
  106. You never realized how quiet your house was.
  107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
  108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
  109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
  110. Your life will never be the same again.

TOP TEN MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS

10)  Ellen DeGeneres-- Suffocates in the closet
9)  Susan Lucci--Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
8)  Jenny McCarthy--Struck by a random thought
7)  Frank Sinatra--Killed by Stranglers in the Night
6)  RuPaul--Prostate cancer
5)  O.J. Simpson--Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
4)  Madonna--Exposure
3)  Unabomber--Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
2)  Al Gore--Dutch Elm Disease
and the *Predicted* NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH IS:
1) Bill Gates--Falls out of a Window

Here are writings from the Simpsons from the chalkboard exercises that Bart writes during the opening credits.