Steven Wright-isms

You can't have everything, where would you put it?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
If you shot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
If you tell a joke in the forest and nobody laughs, was it a joke?
I went to a french restaurant called Deja Vu. The waiter said, "Don't I know you?"
I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors
I bought a house on a 1-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, go to sleep." I said, "but I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy, go down to the end of tired and take a left." So I went down to the end of tired & out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I was doing.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago...No, it was yesterday. Today I...No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I...No, I don't.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I lost a button hole today.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor". What's my mother going to do?
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth...with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
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