Does anyone come here anymore? Is this an empty monument to myself? Narcissism at it's highest. The person that I am now is so different than the person I began this page as, it is astounding to me just how much everything has changed. And I wonder if there is someone out there that checks in from time to time, I wonder if there is someone who only knows about me because of this page... If so you have been staring at the last page for two years maybe trying to peer through the fog and wonder who is this Mercy No and where did she wander off to? Well I wandered into the land of real life... I had an ooops I got pregnant even though I thought that wasn't possible, I had been told that wouldn't be possible... careful what you believe and all of that Jazz. So I began the daunting journey toward parenthood alone and frightened. In this time frame the company I was working as a help desk analyst for got bought out and In my condition I decided having a job was probably very important. So I transferred to Houston, and found myself even more alone and alienated. Pregnant and alone in a new city, yet I kept on keeping on. Then one day I called my doctor, things didn't seem to be right... I was 7.5 months along and I wasn't feeling movement like I had been.... they brought me into the hospital and found that my baby had caught on her cord and had no heartbeat... I remember sitting in the Labor and Delivery room slow tears rolling down my face asking "can you call my parents?" My doctor later said she was concerned over my eerie calmness. But I was numb, and admittedly a year and a half later at times I still am. People around me are certain that there is something deep ddown wrong because I didn't fall apart... I couldn't I can't to do so is to take away from her life, little as it was, I have to be grateful for her for the glimpse of motherhood.... even for the pain. I believe now that nothing much can affect me, I can't be broken, if watching my child be lowered into the ground couldn't do it then nothing less can. In the following year I got into a bad relationship, someone that I knew was using me and made me question myself, but I think on some level it gave me an excuse to cry endless tears that I was afraid to cry over Christian (my daughter's name)
