As I got on the computer today I was icqed with a real big problem I hope to address now. It was so serious I feel compelled to write this to anyone who has ever or will ever consider suicide as a way out or a better way of not living and if this just touches one person then it has done some good. Life is way to precious to just give up or give in to that urge. I know about suicide I myself have tried it unsuccessfully a few times myself. When I was 8 years old I tried to hang myself  but for love of God and for luck I was not hurt. At the age of 27 I put a gun to my mouth wanting to end what life I had in me but I couldnt pull the trigger .As tears rolled down my cheek for I came so close to ending my life and ruining the life of my wife then and my children . I felt I was a coward because I couldnt pull that trigger but it was the will to live that made me not pull that trigger and the thoughts of never being able to see my daughters grow up and see my grandchildren that made me stop.One may wonder  why someone would ever consider giving their life up ? Well I know for me it was I couldnt deal with all the pain in my life and I guess this is where I start to tell more about James  and I wasn't sure if this would ever come out here in my homepage but I really feel the need to tell and hope that one will understand and then maybe see  how people can come to this decision that isn't at all easy but at the time they feel is the only way to end the pain. *Deep Breath* So he we go! At the age of 5 years old one of my worst memories was being taken from my mother but the next worst would be being molested by my Uncle which continued until the age of 14 when I then felt the power for the first time in my life to say "NO". The damage that was done took years away from me for a normal childhood that I should have had and did alot of mental damage not to mention took away my self-esteem.Years later it was found that I suffered from an illness called auditory hallucinations and through therapy and alot of self work I have beat this illness ! I refused medication feeling if I had to do this I would fight it without medication. In a way it was a form of depression and I almost gave it all up because I couldnt deal anymore with the pain and shame cause by something I had no real control over.I couldn't stop the State from taking me away from my Mom, I couldn't control my Uncle from taking advantage of me, I couldn't control these hallucinations or so I thought but with prayer  and a strong will to live I am here and writing this.Some people may say why did I have to tell all in this page and  to me it is simple. To let all the people that want to end their life know there is hope there is a better life and nothing replaces life.That when you end your life that your life may end but the lifes that you leave behind doesn't end .They have to live everyday with missing you,wondering why this happened.They live with guilt that maybe if they had done something they may have stopped you. All these things ran through my mind as I was going to pull that trigger and the tears I cried were the tears of the ones  I would leave behind.I look at my life as a second chance and some how on January 23,1992 God helped me close a chapter in my life and start a new chapter for which I will explain.That Uncle that had molested me was on trial for molesting another boy and I was a witness for the State of Vermont. I did what I had to do and some think I was great for doing what I did but I felt I was drawn to do this  and that was tell the Judge what my life was like with what my Uncle did to me. I did what I had to do which was testify against my Uncle so this little boy would not have to relive the pain and shame in that courtroom for my Uncle was pleading innocent and there were supposed to be 4 other people to testify against him but I was the only one to show up and do exactly this. For the first time in my life I could look my Uncle in the eye and say what he did to me and that I was a Survivor!! So as I said that was the end of a chapter and the new one I annouced in court that day  and that was on January 23, 1992 my Grand daughter Tawnie Marie was born and because I didn't commit suicide I was there to see her lay there and cry!! So for all you thinking of ending your life Please just think about it . There really is  a better way and that is called LIVING!!!