| -S&M Healthy or Harmful?- | ||||
| By Heather Smith Contributed by MissEve |
By day, David and Suzanne are respected executive-level professionals. But by night, they engage in S&M practices together such as spanking, bondage, and role-playing. Are they twisted and perverted? Or are they simply playing out their fantasies in a healthy, consensual fashion? For many, the term "sexual sadomasochism" conjures near Gothic imagesof dominatrixes, whips, and dungeons. But studies have found that most S&M players are well-educated and financially successful members ofsociety. Nearly all claimed, on surveys, that no one would guess their orientation from their day-to-day work and goings-about-town.
You may or may not be surprised by these findings. After all, a 1953 Kinsey study revealed that half of all men and women are aroused bysome physical act of aggression, such as biting. This same study showed that S&M stories stimulated 1 in 5 men, and 1 in 10 women. Although most people don't yearn secretly for a cat o'nine tails, many are no doubt S&M-curious: Why do people do this? Is it safe? Is it sane? The ABC'sof S&M During consensual sexual sadomasochism, sadists deliver and masochists receive pain for erotic pleasure. Though most S&Mers prefer either sadism or masochism exclusively, many take turns, sometimes playing "the top" and other times "the bottom." Sex acts can vary in intensity from bare-bottomed spankings to hot candle wax drips to actual hot iron brands. However, casual S&M players usually don'ttry the most dangerous acts, like brands, according to sex researchers. Indeed, the more milder practices of spanking and bondage are the most appealing.
But S&M doesn't require sticks and stones. Often words will do. Nearly half of sadomasochists enjoy verbal abuse and humiliation.. This preference reveals that S&Mers' attraction to pain is more than physical. It's also psychological.
Why are people attracted to S&M?Physical Attraction. There's no one answer to why people practice, and enjoy, sexual sadomasochism.Physical attraction to pain doesn't explain why the most popular S&M practices are the least painful, and why humiliation suffices for erotic gratification. But physiologically, a couple of tenuous erotic connections to pain exist. Orgasm and pain inspire similar sensations: rising pulse, hyperventilation, and muscular tension. Spanking, in particular, may render sexually stimulating warmth. The base of the bottom is the oft-hit "sweet spot," where nerve endings meet genitalia. Psychological Attraction. Many researchers believe that the attraction of S&M's lies mainly in its power of play. But this doesn't explain its sex appeal. "The link to sex is one of the mysteries of S&M," admitsRoy Baumeister, Ph.D., psychology professor at Case Western Reserve University, author of Masochism and the Self. Some psychoanalytical theories have attempted to explain S&M's sexual seduction, while other theories simply explore the lure of S&M's power play.
Psychoanalytically, S&M desires have been blamed on childhood experiences ranging from emotional and sexual abuse to spankings. But two studies revealed that only a small percentage of S&Mers have actually experienced these. The attraction to submission--probably sought more than dominance--Dr. Baumeister theorizes, is simply, "a welcome vacation from being yourself."
Bondage and humiliation free people from performance and self-responsibility. S&M study participants have proven morefinancially successful, and perhaps more pressured, than most people. Pretending powerlessness might be a creative stress escape. Unbalanced power dynamics themselves are part of our culture. S&M sex games include role-playing common relationships like parent/child andteacher/student.
Is it safe to indulge?S&M is here to stay, so safety is an important issue. The good news is there are ways to play safely. Sex therapist William Henkin, Ph.D., and sex educator Sybill Holiday, offer this advice in Consensual Sadomasochism: Negotiate. The submissive partner should discuss his or her wants, needs, and limits with the dominant partner before playing.
Create a safeword. Partners should choose a (memorable) word the submissive partner may call out if he or she is physically or psychologically distressed. A red light, this safeword halts all activity. Of course, choosing partners wisely can't be stressed enough. Dr.Henkin cautions, "If you're going to allow yourself to get immobilized, it behooves you to know the person you're trusting your life to. I always suggest that people not go home with somebody the first meeting."
Most major US cities have S&M communities and organizations. TheSociety of Janus and The Eulenspiegel Society are the oldest and most well-known. They not only provide a good partner meeting place, butthey also offer classes on safe spanking, whipping, bondage, and other techniques.
Is S&M psychologically safe?To be classified as having an effect on mental health, S&M must rise to "paraphalia" status,according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders. A paraphilia is a sexually arousing fantasy, desire, or behavior that interferes with sexual and social functioning. A fetish, for instance, is a paraphalia. John Ross, Ph.D., author of The Sadomasochism of Everyday Life, says, "I suppose you could say that anybody could experiment with anything sexually that they want to. But if it leads to the exclusion of other forms of sexual interactions, like ordinary intercourse, then you would have to begin to wonder about it."
Do S&Mers need S&M for good sex? A minority feel they do. One study revealed that 1 in 6 people desired S&M sex exclusively, and 1 in 7 needed it to orgasm. Still another study discovered that almost 1 in 3 people required S&M sex for erotic fulfillment.
S&Mers certainly perceive themselves as healthy. No more than 1 in 20 players in the above study viewed S&M as a mental illness. Only 1 in 6 had sought therapy for it.
Dr. Henkin observes that one ingredient for psychologically safe S&M is self- exploration. He recommends that "anybody who's interested in an activity that's outside the mainstream should know what it's about. For some people I would say S&M is probably a great idea and for some it's probably not." Though relaying that not every S&M player is a "paragon of mental health," Dr. Baumeister adds, "Sexual sadomasochism is essentially a kind of healthy sexuality." Providing of course, thatit's a consensual activity and that neither partner is forced into doing or performing anything that creates discomort or pain.