Me!!

Well where shall I begin? I guess what Iam doing is writing a mini diary to myself and at the same time, sharing my thoughts on life and *stuff* This is more the *relationship* update. Iam not mentioning any names. Iam going to just say that these events happened and I feel that I need to express myself.

One thing first. I believe in true love and no matter what happens, you are able to forgive that one person you fell deeply in love with. Even when they have commited the ultimate deception. It may take a long time and alot of heart ache, but true love does conquere all.

In my short life so far, I ve been thru alot experiences that have made me the person Iam now. Each of those experiences, in all of their indivuality, have something in common. A lesson. One that is hard, easy and simple. Live life to all extreme's. Its ok to fall in love, and then be hurt. Its ok to feel the pain, embrase it and feel it fully. Love is the most complex emotion and yet people use it so loosly. Maybe some are able to open up and say I love you, and mean it. But most people ues it, in trying to find one person to hang on to. True love is grown over time. Kinda like a rose bush. You start off with one or two little branches. Then over the seasons, the good ones and bad ones, your little *twig* has grown into one of the most beautiful sites on earth. Alot of care and lettig nature take its course.

I know, Iam babbling here, but Iam just saying what happens to be on my mind right now. In esenses, this is theraputic. At least for me. For those of you, who have stopped to look into my page and take the time to read thru my lines, I hope that if your experiencing any sort of emotion, good or bad, that these thoughts can help or give you some kind backing. Some kind of re assurance, that others have been where you are. Heart ache and life are the biggest of the challenges to face. This is all Iam going to say for now. More updates to come.

Hiya!! Once again, I ve wiped out the Quick cam for a newer pic. Hair is a little longer but smile is just as wide! I ve recently moved to Vancouver Island, to a smaller town. I LOVE IT HERE!!!! Also, been fixing up the car, I should say restorin it!( I ve basically fixed/changed all of it!!) And yes, I ve done the work myself! Needs your brakes, suspension, hydrolics done, email me!! *W*

On another note, a much less happier one. I ve recently found out that my mom is battling cancer. She will be staying with me, while she undergoes Radiation Therapy in Vancouver. Knowing, the most common outcome for cancer, isn't a happy one, its made me think, quite deeply about life, and regrets. Life is so short, growing up, I didnt realize that. I thought that I d live so long, and had so much ahead of me. If you take a look at your own life span, on the grand sceme of things, its not that long. Iam trying to take time, to smell the roses. Do, see and try as many things as I can imagine. Help others, when needing it, and asking for help when I need it.

My Relationship with my mom, wasn't a good one, when I was growing up. I gave her a good run for the money. I think of all the times, I needed a hug, or wanted to talk. Instead of saying those things, I just walked away. Now, knowing what she is going thru, tears at my heart. Wishing I could turn back the clock and do it again. I would say I love you more, I would give her a hug, buy her a rose. Now, in the present, I do those things. You would be amazed at how much those little words mean. I love you mom. Each phone call or letter, ends in I love you. My mom might have yelled, and gotten frustrated, but she never ever gave up. Driving 4 hrs in the dead of night to get my sorry butt outta jail. That is just the beginning. To her, I owe so much and will always be indebted to her for all she gave to me. Now, in her time of need, Iam there for her.

Well, this is all for now, as things develop, I will keep you posted!! I want to say thanks for reading this, and again I hope that if your going thru a rough time, just know, other people do understand and that you have someone to talk with. Your mom.

UPDATE ~ DECEMBER 17TH, 2000!~
Every once in a while, you as a person, get a glimps of reality.
In a world, now where everything is becoming technologically enhanced. From cars, home appliances, computers, physical features, meaning that we as a being, are wanting to live longer, better and healthier. These, by themselves are tremendous feats, that we are mastering at a rapid pace. I believe somewhere along this forwarding moving fast paced line, we forgot to stop, and smell the roses.
Think about this for a moment. Truly. When was the last time you sat and actually thought to yourself, (Iam this many years old, and I probably only have this much left) What have I done with my life and who's life have I touched?
I remember growing up, and feeling that MY world would never end. Change, yes...but never end. My surroundings, family & friends would always be there. Never really thinking of the consequences of my actions.
Lately, I ve been thinking quite a bit, about my own mortality. Wondering what truly Iam. Of course, Iam the obvious. A human being. I believe each and everyone of us, are more then that.
Iam not sure what, but I just have a strong will and desire to seek out what that *more* is.
One thing I don't understand, and I am sure that I probably never will. Is why people have to die. And why we, the human race have been given the conscious mind to know that we will die, and our emotions are so strong when thinking about this. Death, scares me. Deeply, scares me so much, I cry thinking about it. I don't want to die (eventually) and it frightens me that my family & friends, will one day, no longer be.
Iam sure, all of what you are reading probably doesn't make much sense. To me, its fairly confusing. I find it a challenge to wonder about these things. To look deep within, and try and find the answers.
I will say this last one thing. As you read this, try and apply it to yourself. Try and think of your innermost wonders. Your deepest, darkest haunts. Or the things that baffle your mind, and let it go. Think about it, till you can't. Then take a deep breath. close your eyes, and just relax.
**Just wanted to say, these are my thoughts and feelings. Nothing more. As I feel compelled to write, I add more.** >br>

I just wanted to add a few words here. I ve been doing alot more, self searching and trying figure out, what the future has in store. Still......nothing. But I ve thought of a good saying. It really makes you think about the decisions in your life. Just how much they really have an affect on the future. The past is a learned lesson. The future, is the test we all have fear of. We just have to be as best prepared for it as we can.