Not long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there
were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves
did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
gone. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of
whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drank the
liquor and there was nothing left to drink. In his frustration, he dropped
the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made
from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree, Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.
Bah Humbug Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
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