Your REAL Horoscope

 

WARNING: THIS PAGE CONTAINS LANGUAGE THAT MAY BE VERY OFFENSIVE TO SOME. IF YOU ARE OPPOSED TO STRONG LANGUAGE, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE. I, MARIAH'S XTACY AM NOT THE AUTHOR OF THESE JOKES AND I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY ANYTHING HERE.

THIS IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND HUMOUR ONLY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY OR CAN NOT TAKE A JOKE...
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YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED



AQUARIUS - JANUARY 20 to FEBRUARY 18

YOU HAVE AN INVENTIVE MIND AND ARE INCLINED TO BE PROGRESSIVE. YOU LIE
A GREAT DEAL. YOU MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES REPEATEDLY BECAUSE YOU ARE
STUPID. EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE A FUCKING JERK.


PISCES - FEBRUARY 19 to MARCH 20

YOU HAVE A VIVID IMAGINATION AND OFTEN THINK YOU ARE BEING FOLLOWED
BY THE F.B.I. OR THE C.I.A. YOU HAVE MINOR INFLUENCE ON YOUR FRIENDS AND
PEOPLE RESENT YOU FOR FLAUNTING YOUR POWER. YOU LACK CONFIDENCE AND
ARE A GENERAL DIPSHIT.


ARIES - MARCH 21 to APRIL 19

YOU ARE THE PIONEER TYPE AND THINK MOST PEOPLE ARE DICKHEADS. YOU ARE
QUICK TEMPERED, IMPATIENT, AND SCORNFUL OF ADVICE. YOU ARE A PRICK.


TAURUS - APRIL 20 to MAY 20

YOU ARE PRACTICAL AND PERSISTENT. YOU HAVE DOGGED DETERMINATION AND
WORK LIKE HELL. MOST PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE STUBBORN AND BULLHEADED.
YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A GODDAMN COMMUNIST.


GEMINI - MAY 21 to JUNE 20

YOU ARE A QUICK AND INTELLIGENT THINKER. PEOPLE LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU
ARE BISEXUAL. YOU ARE INCLINED TO EXPECT TOO MUCH FOR TOO LITTLE. THIS
MEANS YOU ARE A CHEAP BASTARD. GEMINIS ARE NOTORIOUS FOR THRIVING ON
INSECTS.

CANCER - JUNE 21 to JULY 22

YOU ARE SYMPATHETIC AND UNDERSTANDING TO OTHER PEOPLES PROBLEMS
WHICH MAKES YOU A SUCKER. YOU ARE ALWAYS PUTTING THINGS OFF. THIS IS
WHY YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ON WELFARE AND WON'T BE WORTH A SHIT.
EVERYBODY IN PRISON IS A CANCER.


LEO - JULY 23 to AUGUST 22

YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A BORN LEADER. OTHERS THINK YOU'RE AND IDIOT.
MOST LEOS ARE BULLIES. YOU ARE VAIN AND CANNOT TOLERATE HONEST
CRITICISM. YOUR ARROGANCE IS DISGUSTING. LEO PEOPLE ARE THIEVING
MOTHER-FUCKERS AND SPEND MOST OF THEIR TIME KISSING MIRRORS.

VIRGO - AUGUST 23 to SEPTEMBER 22

YOU ARE A LOGICAL TYPE AND HATE DISORDER. THIS SHIT-PICKING IS SICKENING
TO YOUR FRIENDS. YOU ARE COLD AND UNEMOTIONAL AND OFTEN FALL ASLEEP
SCREWING. VIRGOS MAKE GOOD BUS DRIVERS AND PIMPS.

LIBRA - SEPTEMBER 23 to OCTOBER 22

YOU ARE THE ARTISTIC TYPE AND HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME WITH REALITY. IF YOU
ARE MALE YOU ARE PROBABLY QUEER. CHANCES FOR EMPLOYMENT AND
MONETARY GAIN ARE NIL. MOST LIBRA WOMEN ARE WHORES. ALL LIBRAS DIE OF
VENEREAL DISEASE.


SCORPIO - OCTOBER 23 to NOVEMBER 21

THE WORST OF THE LOT. YOU ARE SHREWD IN BUSINESS AND CANNOT BE
TRUSTED. YOU SHALL ACHIEVE THE PINNACLE OF SUCCESS BECAUSE OF YOUR
TOTAL LACK OF ETHICS. YOU ARE A PERFECT SON- OF -A -BITCH. MOST SCORPIOS
ARE MURDERED.


SAGITTARIUS - NOVEMBER 22 to DECEMBER 21

YOU ARE OPTIMISTIC AND ENTHUSIASTIC. YOU HAVE A RECKLESS TENDENCY TO
RELY ON LUCK SINCE YOU HAVE NO TALENT. THE MAJORITY OF SAGITTARIANS
ARE DRUNKS. NIXON WAS A SAGITTARIAN. YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE TIME OF
DAY.


CAPRICORN - DECEMBER 22 to JANUARY 19

YOU ARE CONSERVATIVE AND AFRAID OF TAKING RISKS. YOU ARE BASICALLY A
CHICKENSHIT. THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A CAPRICORN OF ANY IMPORTANCE. YOU
SHOULD KILL YOURSELF.

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