Marriages and Affairs...

One of the most difficult aspects of an extramarital relationship is the fact that over time, strong emotional feelings for one's lover can and usually do develop. It's natural to attempt to protect one's self by saying that you will continue to see someone, indulging in intimate acts, but will not get emotionally involved so as to avoid getting hurt. But the emotional and intellectual closeness are so very much of what make an extramarital relationship (and the sex) so incredible and satisfying and joyful. One should never, ever be involved in a long term relationship and take the risks to their marriage (which you do not want to leave) for the sex alone. It's the closeness and emotional involvement that give a caring extramarital relationship meaning and make those risks acceptable ones. The last thing anyone would want to do would be to keep the relationship at arm's length. That's fine if a sexual affair is what you are after but a "relationship" is a different thing altogether. If you fear the development of feelings, then the short-term flings are probably the best bet. But lots of time - quality time in sex, and conversation, and nonverbal communication - together naturally fosters feelings over the days, weeks, and months.

What is crucial for a successful extramarital relationship is the ability to control those warm and wonderfully positive feelings, rather than be controlled by them. It's impossible to avoid the feelings - they are the reason for being involved for most long-term extramarital relationships in the first place - but concentrate on maintaining a level of control over the actions that could result from your feelings. You can't obsess about the relationship and remain happy, you can't agonize over your lover's home life and activities because you love them, you can't let yourself feel ill with jealousy (a twinge now and again might be OK) at the thought of your lover with their spouse, you can't withdraw from your own life and activities because all your thoughts are about this wonderful person, you can't be careless and get discovered in your extramarital relationship. So it's about control and perhaps even compartmentalization, to some degree, more than it is about keeping distant. The feelings need to be accepted joyfully, and then handled. It is very difficult, and may need to be a very conscious effort, but the end result is well worth it.

Hurt? Yes, the potential for hurt is incredibly high for all of us here, and for those we care about. That's the way it is. But don't shut down your heart because of a fear of being hurt. On the balance scale, the joy will outweigh the pain, and if it no longer does, then the relationship perhaps should end. All relationships end in some way some day - ALL. 

Do we avoid the wonderful feelings and intimacy they give us just because we're afraid of hurt? Some do. But life in this case would be very dull. Better to accept that someday it will hurt and deal with it when the time comes. So you'll cry. So you'll feel miserable for awhile. It's still worth it. It's part of life just as much as happiness is. And always do your absolute best not to cause pain to others in the process. 

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