This is my place for posting musings, opinions, insights, baloney, poetry, and anything else I feel like putting here. The theme of the moment is "Parenthood", and yes, I capitalized it on purpose . . . it is certainly a capital sort of endeavor.
"Parenthood remains the single greatest preserve of the amateur."
Alvin Toffler, Future Shock Random House 70
"As we read the school reports on our children, we realize a sense of relief that can rise to delight that- thank Heaven - nobody is reporting in this fashion on us."
J B Priestly, Readers Digest June 64
"The beauty of "spacing" children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones - which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones."
Sidney J. Harris, Leaving The Surface Houghton Mifflin 68
This subject, Parenthood, is one in which I would never claim expertise; the best I could claim is that I've tried not to do too much damage. My path didn't have 'planned' children . . . they came when least expected. I find the couple who plan the birth of a child, making all the preparations, from the baby's room, to the mental and emotional preparation of being a parent, to be quite lucky and sensible. Lucky for the child, as well, I think.
I would have to be considered an amateur in the raising of children, even with a son 21 years old now, and a daughter 10. For the boy, in the first 5 years of his life, I was almost only an observer; my job taking me away from the home for months at a time. This isn't always detrimental to a child, but I think in my son's case, it may have been. My daughter had me quite available for her infancy, even to the point that I cared for her extensively in her first year. We developed a strong bond through that close contact. They were 13 and 3 when the separation and divorce came, my son furious with me, and the little one not understanding at all why her poppa didn't live with her anymore. After nearly two years, a reconciliation brought us all together again, and though it helped them both to some degree, nothing could change the hurt that had been made already. In trying to make a reconciliation with their mother work, I thought that 'things would be alright', and all of the hurt would heal in time. I think this is where my 'Amateur' status is obvious.
Now that reconciliation failed, and once again I am an absent parent, I'm finding myself struggling again to find ways to be a parent to them. My son is having great personal difficulties, and I can't help but feel there is much I failed to do properly that set him up for his problems. I also realize that there was a lot that I gave him, and a lot of support and love, and that he might have those problems anyway, no matter what I might have done. My daughter simply wants to be close to her father, I think, and I am faced with trying to find ways to meet that need as best I can.
I have always thought of my parents as having been quite expert, and perfect, in their skill at parenting, yet I know that I disappointed them in a number of ways, and know that they wondered what they had done wrong, that I would do the things I have done. Realizing this, and still quite certain that my parents made a great effort to 'properly' raise me, I have to think that sometimes a parent can only be a bystander in the life of a child, especially once they grow to adulthood.
I will accept a certain amount of blame for problems the children may have to deal with, as well as take some credit for the things in them that make me proud. Perhaps I take a little too much of both sometimes, but I'm still learning how to be a parent, after all. It seems that parenting is something that you can never stop learning about.
8/23/98
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