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March 3, 2000 |
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I don't know how to score days like today. I really don't. Normally I
wouldn't think of today as Friday until I wake up in the morning; it's not
the next day until the next day. However, on nights like tonight
when I stay awake through the night through the following day, I'm not sure
what to really expect. I didn't plan on staying up; it just happened that
way. After the talk with Pam yesterday, I was pretty upset and could not
get to sleep.
So while my mind was running, I updated this journal and did some other
things around my place.
I told Pam I'd call her today in the morning before
her trip to see how she was feeling. This was still a few hours away. I
really do care for her and hate to see her hurt. I told her the truth.
There were some things that I had to sort out, most notably, some feelings
I had for someone else that I simply had not explored yet.
This person is my friend Lisa. Lisa and
I have been friends for a couple of years. We have yet to meet face to
face. We have only talked on the phone a few times, but have chatted
online a number of times. We have exchanged many e-mails; we have shared
many things about our lives with each other. I'm terribly fond of her in
ways that I can't express.
I can't deny having developed some romantic feelings for her back then. I
repressed them naturally. She alluded to being with someone; though she
didn't seem very happy (or at least that's what I told myself). She lived
on the east coast. I was lonely. There were many reasons why I held back,
maybe I was afraid. I don't know really. What I did know was
that now that I was seeing more people… now that I'm not lonely… I
still found myself thinking about her, comparing her to the women I was
seeing. I realized that this wasn't fair for anyone and realized that this
was something that would always hound me, a ghost I'd have to exorcise.
There was a part of me that simply knew that I had to meet her. I
called her; I told her I wanted to
meet her. Ironically, we had never talked about the way we felt for each
other. I'm not precisely sure why not.
This complicated things. I had hit it off with Pam
only a few days after. I was stuck
between a long time friend that I had finally reached out to and a charming
woman whose company I longed for. I couldn't help but to feel I was being
dishonest to both of them. Three days. It had only been three
days. Where on Earth was I going?
I told them both about each other, since I didn't know what else to do. I
sent Lisa e-mail about it; she seems to understand things well. We seem to
think very alike and can almost feel each other's moods; it's touching.
She honestly seems to want what will make me happiest. I had told Pam about just last night, and she was very hurt. I hated
that.
My natural reaction when I feel overwhelmed with emotions is to try to
think things out; sometimes to over-think things. Maybe to slow things
down. I was being reactive to this whole thing, which made it much
tougher.
I was online when writing yesterday's entry. After some time, Lisa logged
on. No, I didn't know she would be logging on; I hadn't chatted with her
for months. We chatted for some time. She knew I was upset because I hurt
Pam and she helped me. She was objective; she
really was; if anything she helped me understand many of the emotions I was
feeling for Pam and how I cared for her. I care for
them both. I'm a terrible person.
Lisa was also going through a rough time and I tried to be objective as
well. It pains me to see her hurting. I can't hope to be objective about
that, I suppose that I can maybe shed some light on what makes sense and
what doesn't. How can I hope to be objective knowing that my responses may
bring her closer? I told her that.
Life is messy.
I finished my chat with Lisa. I hate ending conversations with her;
sometimes it seems like we spend too much time apart. She told me to go
make my phone call. I would be… a little later.
I finished my entry. It gave me a chance to sort out much of what I felt,
still too much unsorted. I'm riding on raw emotion. It's very dangerous.
I called Pam. I asked her how she felt. She said
that she felt disappointed about her move to Seattle. I'm sure I was part
of that. We talked about many things, understandably most of them very
emotional. I could only come up with questions, but no solutions. She had
to finish packing. I had to get ready for work. I told her that I updated
my journal. I went to take a shower and told her I would call her after
that. I did. We talked a little more, but resolved nothing. We agreed to
talk on Sunday when she got back.
She called me shortly after I got to work. She was waiting for her ride to
the airport. I asked her if she would call me during her trip, and she
didn't say either way.
I've learned to filter out many things at work, through many years of practice. I'm not saying that I do it well, I'm just saying that I do it. Today wasn't any different. I had a number of things to attend to, and I got them done; though not as efficiently as I could have.
Then the vending machine toys with me. Yes, I'm sure it had
very specific intentions to target me in particular and am quite certain
that I'm not suffering from delusions of persecution. Our vending machines
carries books of stamps. They run for $3.30. I needed stamps to pay my
bills, so I got some from the vending machine. The vending machine would
not take dollar bills or more accurately it only accepted the first dollar
bill, so I had to get change for the rest. I was finally able to get all
the money into the machine and pressed the appropriate buttons to get the
stamps. They got stuck, it's one of those spring-like dispensers. It just
isn't my day. I simply needed to get another book of stamps to get the
first one unstuck. Simple. I didn't have the $3.30 to get the stamps
though; I only had thirty cents. My friend Jim was with me at the time, and was naturally
quite amused. He did loan one dollar and promised to watch the machine
while I collected the remainder of the change. I also managed to borrow a
dollar from Nathan and Brian both. I would have to pay them back on
Monday. Stamps are stressing me out. Life is messy.
I would be having dinner with Len tonight. Nothing big, just more plans to touch base than anything else; we went to Crossroads and it's food court. I told him about the entire ordeal with Lisa and Pam. He helped me sort out many of the things I was feeling and pointed a few things out. I had to meet Lisa; otherwise I had little hope to sort out not only this current relationship with Pam but anything in the future. He was right of course. Thanks, Len.
Jim and a couple of his friends stopped by while we were having dinner; they were on their way to a movie. Rich, one of his friends, gave me a few chocolate-covered gummi bears. They described them as "not as bad as it sounds". That's not really a big endorsement, is it? They really weren't as bad as they sounded, although that wasn't saying much.
I got home relatively early. I had gotten no sleep and was running on fumes. Pam left me a message a few minutes before and left me the phone number to her hotel room. She asked me to call her back. I did. We talked. I know that I didn't have all my wits about me. I knew a few things; I didn't like the idea of not seeing her anymore. I believed that if we could be honest with each other, we could find a way to spend time together. I knew that we both care about each other. I still had many things I had to work out, many insecurities, some lingering questions, and more importantly, some unresolved feelings about a particular woman who I'm terribly fond of. What could I say that was honest and could help us through this? I asked her if it would make a difference if we were exclusive? I meant it. I wasn't interested in dating meeting and dating other women. It made her feel much better; she agreed.
We're exclusive. She's my girlfriend; it's official. Goodness, that sounds so high school!
March 3, 2000