Spaghetti Bolognese, Eastern Suburbs Style

Ingredients

• Any pasta-like substance. Which may or may not resemble spaghetti.
• Any tomato-like substance. Real tomatoes, canned tomatoes, tomato puree or tomato soup: I've seen it all.
• Any minced-meat-like substance. Please note: tuna is not a minced-meat-like substance.
  
• Anything stored or growing in your fridge which vaguely fits in the category "vegetable".
• Garlic. I must stress this. Garlic is very important. It may be fresh, minced, ground or whatever. You need to disguise the taste of the rest of your ingredients.

Instructions

1. Cook the "mince" in a fry pan until it is a grey colour. If the mince is less than six months old you may be greeted with a brown colour. If the mince goes any other colour you are in deep trouble. In particular black mince is not a good look.
2. Add the garlic to the mince. About a heaped teaspoon is good. Too much garlic is hardly enough!
   
3. While the "mince" is cooking, boil some water for the "pasta". Put the "pasta" in the boiling water. The pasta should be boiled until you can poke it with a fork and either: it is stuck on the end of the fork; or the poking causes the pasta to fall apart.
4. Add the "tomatoes" and "vegetables" to the "mince".
5. Heap the "mince" onto the "pasta" and serve.