how to annoy people

    a.. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

    b.. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

    c.. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

    d.. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

    e.. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

    f.. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

    g.. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

    h.. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    i.. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

    j.. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

    k.. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

    l.. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, > producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

    m.. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

    n.. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

    o.. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

    p.. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

    q.. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

    r.. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

    s.. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

    t.. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    u.. Name your dog "Dog".

    fun things to do while driving

    1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

    2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. Listen to COOL music like Ani Difranco (my own imput:)).

    3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

    4. Two words: Chicken suit.

    5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

    6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

    7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

    8. Stop at the green lights.

    9. Go at the red ones.

    10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

    11. Eat food that requires silverware.

    12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

    13. Sing without having the radio on.

    14. Honk frequently without motivation.

    15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

    16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

    17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

    18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

    19. Restart your car at every stop light.

    20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

    21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

    22. While stopped at a light, spit out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

    23. Paint your car with occult symbols.

    24. Keep at least five cats in the car.

    25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy passionate fun.

    26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.

    27. Stop and collect roadkill.

    28. Stop and pray to roadkill.

    29. Throw Spam.

    30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

    40 Fun things to do in a furniture store

    1. Take catnaps wherever possible. Claim you're taking the furniture for a "test snooze".

    2. Walk up to an employee and say "Yes, I'm a table dancer and I need a new place to practice...."

    3. Bring a dog along and have it lay on the white furniture while you go do something else.

    4. Bring you cat and sit down and ask for its approval on the furniture.

    5. Brush your dog and cat on the furniture while doing #'s 3 and 4.

    6. While looking at the patterns, exclaim loud enough for all to hear "Ugly, Ugly, Ugly, Ug-WHOA!!!!"

    7. When there is somebody helping you, ask them "Well, I like this arrangement, but do you have it in a MORE hideous color?"

    8. Two words: pillow fights
    9. Dress like an employee from a rival store and tell customers stuff like "Well, you could get this SAME EXACT SELECTION for half the price at..."

    10. On the leather furniture, exclaim "HEY! I found a brand!"

    11. Ask the manager if you can get a job modeling the furniture all day.

    12. Make as many chairs rock as much as possible.

    13. Hold tea parties in the living room sets.

    14. Get in the recliners and yell "HEY! Who took the remote!?!"

    15. Jump on the beds.

    16. Go around messing with the display lamps.

    17. Play hide-and-seek.

    18. Search for change in the couches and chairs.

    19. Re-arrange the props in the bedroom areas

    20. Wake up out of the beds in the front of the store and start screaming when you realize you're in front of the traffic.

    21. Ask other customer's opinions on how awful different things are.

    22. Bring a TV and sit in the recliner section.

    23. Attempt to fit into display cabinets.

    24. Attempt to fit others into display cabinets.

    25. Ask for the price on the furniture in the manager's office.

    26. Grab a blanket, drape it over your shoulders and run around yellng "I am Batman! Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"

    27. Put your feet up whenever possible.

    28. Wear shoes when doing #27.

    29. If you want to go somewhere, go in a STRAIGHT line over all the furniture.

    30. Build a fort from cushions.

    31. Leave notes in the furniture under the cushions.
    32. Get under the beds and yell "I'm coming for you, kiddie!" whenever people come by them.

    33. Invent positions to sit in the furniture.

    34. When you get in a big, cushy chair, yell "AAAAAHHH!!!!!! I'M BEING SUCKED IN!!!!"

    35. Bring food. Plan on staying awhile.

    36. Open out all of the fold-out beds.

    37. Bring candles, act like a Goth and ask if they'll turn the lights down.

    38. Pretend to be sleeping and dream aloud.

    39. Ask where the coke machine is.

    40. Don't leave the store until your butt has touched every seatable surface.

    ***BONUS*** Attempt all of the above in one visit.

    Special thanks to Aiken Drum. Email him to subscribe to 'A Laugh a Day.'

    50 fun things to do in an elevator

    1. Make race car noises when people get on and off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!" 4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside- down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral." 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on." 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons. 25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 34. Play the accordion. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

    office problems?

    Get everyone but your target in on it and never come by his or heroffice twice in a row wearing the same clothes. Sanity test...

    Staple ever unimportant paper on their desk together. If your target has a computer, reposition the monitoreveryday. Fill an empty white out bottle with milk and replace itwith your co-workers. Put a live lobster or any other creature in the filecabinet. If computer has speakers turn the volume all way up orway down depending on your mood. Taping down the switch hook buttons on a phone gets some interestingreactions. When the mark answers the phone keeps ringing. Program the mark's phone to forward to the office pagingsystem. Ask your mark, "ARE YOU GETTING FIRED? WELL, THAT'S THERUMOR." Does your coworker have fish in the office? Take thefish and leave aransom note. Pull the labeled buttons off of their phone andrearrange the order and put them back on their phone. They won't be sure of which line is which or which connects them to the boss! Tape your victim's telephone receiver down at top andbottom when they are away from their desk. When they come back, callthem from your desk and watch them struggle to answer. Put transparent tape over the read out of a calculator.It makes the numbers blurry.If your boss wins some kind of prestigious award, manufacture a phonymemo from the company president announcing the discontinuance of the award. By a package of approximately 200 of those little paperbathroom cups and neatly arrange them all over the subjects desk. Then staple them all together and fill them with water. See how long it takes them to figure out how to get rid of this set-up without spilling water all over their paperwork, files, computer, etc... Take the paper out of the copier and write "Everythingwritten of the flip side of this paper is a lie!" Put it back into the copier mixed with regular sheets. Buy a voice changer at Toys 'R Us and answer the phone in strange voices. Does somebody smoke at work when they're not supposed to? Put Ambesolon the filter of their cigarettes. Watch as their lips and mouth go numb when they light up! Get Valerian Root capsules (at health food stores) and when co worker is away from desk, take his phone apart and open acapsule or two of Valerian Root in the mouthpiece then replace. Guaranteed to smell terrible! At lunch, swap the worker's real food with look-a-likedog toys. If someone is applying for a job, call them back and leave a wrong number. They go crazy for a while until you call them back apologizing. If the drawers to the victim's desk has a board under it you can take the drawer out, take the contents out, put the drawerback in, but UPSIDE-DOWN! Then, while the upside-down drawer is partially opened, put the contents back in and close it. When the unsuspecting victim opens the drawer, all the contents fall out! Take some cellophane and open up the glue bottle. Put the cellophane across the opening, then close the bottle. Watch the victim try to squeeze glue out. They either open it up to check, orthey squeeze to hard, breaking the cellophane and spraying glue everywhere. Tell a new worker that everyone has tomorrow off becauseof the boss's religious beliefs. See if he shows up the next day.