I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? --Jerry Seinfeld
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ---George Burns
I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word- if only she'd get to it. ----Henny Youngman
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.----Woodey Allen
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.-----Anonymous
Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married? ---Barbra Streisand
I told someone I was getting married, and they said "Have you picked a date yet? I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!" "What a country!" ---Yakov Smirnoff
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is. -----------Milton Berle
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!---------Henny Youngman
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. -------Rodney Dangerfield
My husband put some magic back in our marriage - He disappeared!
- I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my husband to the airport!
- I've never forgotten the day I got married - and don't think I haven't tried hard!
- The only thing my husband and I have in common is we got married on the same day!
- Our marriage was a love match plain and simple, he was plain and I was simple!
- The first part of our marriage was very happy, then on the way back from the church....
- There's only one thing that keeps me from being happily married - my husband!
- Well, I can remember where and when I got married, but why?
Every woman needs a husband - because you can't blame everything that goes wrong on the government!
Husband to friend: The trouble is I met my wife at the local dance. Friend: What's the problem with that? Husband: I thought she was home with the kids; she thought I was out watching football.
Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence? Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole!
Husband to wife: I've put up with that intefering old hag for 10 years - your mother will have to go! Wife to Husband: My mother? But I thought she was your mother!
Friend to Wife: Do you think your husband is hard to please? Wife: I really don't know - I've never tried? Friend to Wife: Why do you think your husband is tired of you? Wife: Well, I haven't seen him for 5 years!
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you??"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?"
The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have ameaningful conversation with her."
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."
The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying........... "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time he receives an acknowledgement: "Thanks for the vase." it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
Male & Female Interpretations
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's
partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly
taking off for a
weekend with the guys.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while
out with one's
girlfriend.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel
to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75
channels every 2
minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever
you're cooking, to
make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think
has gone bad,
prior to tossing it out.
GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF THIS:
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
5) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
6) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
7) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occassion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
8) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
9) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
10) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
11) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.