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Fake
Advice Questions
Here
at Got Help? we receive quite a lot of letters from readers asking
Me for advice. Me does her best to answer all questions, however
recently we were sent one letter that seemed real enough on its
own, but then more followed that happened to seem very fake. Two
replies were sent, initially, just to be on the safe side, but
the last letters were simply too outrageous to even merit a response.
So we
thought we would post them. They would have been posted no matter
what, had they gone in the normal advice section, but these really
require a whole section to themselves.
It is
a series of letters all from one person - supposedly two, however
the writing style is identical in all letters, no matter who claims
to have written them, and it seems very much like it's just one
person writing all of them. On top of that, some of the details
(such as ages) change between letters, even when they are meant
to be written by the same person.
Read
them. They're rather entertaining, especially the melodramatic
subject lines, the concluding lines of the final letter, some
other various points of humour (commented on in red), and the
ironically fitting surname of Allan (just try and tell us his
name isnt made up).
Then,
once you've read them, e-mail us and let us know if you
agree that the whole thing is a farce.
Subject: question
about legal love
Date: Thu, 09 Aug 2001
You can address me as Renee, I am 14 yrs old and I have a 26 yr
old friend who I think might be in love with me. Many guys look
at me and think I am much older. When I tell them my true age
most of them know to look away. But it is different for me when
my close friend whom I've known since I was 8 yrs old hints that
he is interrested in me. Even at 8, he was 20 at the time, he
told me to see him in 10 years and later I found out from my mom
that he told her at the time to "keep her pure".
He has always been good to me. He has never hurt me in any way.
I feel comfortable enough to talk to him about most anything,
but this sitiuation. One time when we were taking a walk, he said
he could see much potential in me. He is the best friend of my
brother. My family likes him, but I don't know for sure if my
parents know how he feels about me. My brother knows and, according
to my brother, my friend is still a virgin and he wants to save
himself for "that special person". [Why
does that seem somewhat random?]
Three years ago my friend left for the military; on his leave
time he would always visit my brother and me. We usually had fun
together. In December 1999 he celebrated New Year's Eve with us.
When the rest of the family was asleep he and I would talk. We
talked about what we each want in a relationship. At that time
I did not suspect his interest in me, But when I think back to
our conversation,,,,I realize that he could have asked me those
questions to see how he needs to be.
On my 13th birthday I received a beautiful card from him... it
seemed like a love card. With the card came a letter, The letter
was warning me about all the bad people-types I might encounter
in Life. ['Bad people-types',
and also pay close attention to the capitalisation.] It was kind of scary. Further
in the letter suggested his Hopes for me, I sense that he spoke
true from his heart, but I also sensed that he is hinting his
love for me. I called him and asked what he meant by the letter,
he explained it as a "Faith Letter", wishing me a good
teenage life, I feel that his letter was more than just that.
I asked him further If he was suggesting me to be his girlfriend.
I told him that the letter made me feel uncomfortable, he said
he was sorry, he didn't mean it that way. I told him that maybe
it is best if he stops writing me......
I felt like crying
because I think I hurt his feelings. We said goodbye, and hung
up. It seems all so strange, that someone that age would be attracted
to me. I do not believe that he would or could harm me, because
we have been friends for so long. I trust him but how can we keep
a friendship without geting too close?? What do you think I should
do? Is he really in love with me? If he is, how should I treat
him? I value his friendship, he has influenced me in positive
ways. I trust him but I do not know how to not hurt him. I remember
when a girl he loved before left him for my brother. My brother
felt terribly guilty, and I know my friend was hurt as well. I
felt sorry for both of them, during that time they were not communicating.
But I continued to be a friend for him. I think it is that period
when my 26 yr old friend got close to me. Now I feel like I've
hurt him again. Please send your reply.
[And now for nearly the exact
same letter, written all over again, but with certain details
altered...]
Subject: How can
I love him?
Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2001
Dear Vrinda or Andrea, or both,
Please give me some advice in the following sitiuation...
I am 15 yrs old
and I have a 27 yr old male friend who is in love with me. [Interesting how they both grew a year in the
course of about a week...] I look older than most of my friends,
and often older guys usually in their 20s are attracted to me,
most often they mistake me for being of legal age. I tell them
my real age and they leave me alone. But this friend of mine has
known me for a long time. I remember him when I was 8 years old.
Even at that time he told me to see him in 10 years and then he
toldmy mom to "keep me pure". He has always been good
to me. He has never hurt me in any way. I feel comfortable enough
to talk to him about most things, except for his feelings for
me. He is my brother's Best friend. [Again,
note the capitalisation.] All of my family likes him. I think
my brother and my mom are the only ones who know of his special
interest for me. We don't talk about it though. According to my
brother and this man's friends, He is still a virgin by choice,
and he told them that he wants to save himself for the right girl.
[Now it seems even more random.] I
had a crush on him once, but, now that I am older, the idea that
he has been attracted to me for years seems strange, it feels
odd that a guy his age would have been attractedto me, even before
I reached puberty.
I did not realize
his long term interest in me until just recently. Three years
ago he had left for the military. On his leave he would visit
my brother and me. We usually had fun together. In December 1999
he spent New Year's Eve with us. After the celebration the rest
of the family went to sleep. He and I would stay awake and talk.
We talked about what each of us would like in a relationship.
At the time I still did not know his feelings for me. He talked
about a mysterious girl he was interested in. It was not until
later that I realized the girl he was talking about was me. Shortly
after The New Year holiday he went back to his base in Washington.
On my 13th birthday he had sent a beautiful birthday card to me,
It didn't look like the type of card one would send to a teenager,
it looked sort of romantic. Along with the card he sent a letter
detailing a warning against all of the possible bad-people-types
I might encounter in my teenhood. His letter was straight-forward
and kind of scary. Further in the letter I coud sense his true
feelings for me.
I called him and
told him the letter made me feel uncomfortable. He apologized
and said that it was not his intent to make me feel that way.
I felt like I had hurt his feelings. It seems all so strange to
me. I don't believe that he would ever hurt me. But I'm not sure
how to keep a friendship with him without getting too close.
?What do you think?????
[I love the excessive question
marks.]
??Is he really
in love with me????
???If he is, how
should I treat him???
I value his friendship
but I'm not sure how to be his friend. I trust him but I'm not
sure how to not hurt him. I remember when a girl he loved left
him for my brother. There was much pain in that whole sitiuation.
I felt sorrow for both of them. Now He loves me and I don't know
what to do.He has returned from the military and he has visited
us since his time back. I have been friendly towards him. We have
so far talked about music. [That
is the most random thing to throw in there.] I don't know if his feelings are
exactly the same. ......WRITE ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE MATTER.....
[How demanding we've gotten, all
of a sudden!]
[And now for the truly hilarious
half of this whole saga...]
From: Allan Honest
Subject: ?What is My Love?
Date: Mon, 20 Aug 2001
Dear, both, Vrinda and Andrea,
from Alan,
You might remember Renee writing to you. She shared some of her
letter and some of your nswers with me. She recomended that I
talk to you about my love life. You were right on target with
me except for one thing.. [The
letter sent to Renee is rather trite and it was felt that it was
not necessary to post it, especially since you're about to see
further evidence that this whole thing is fake.]
~About My Background~
I am an only child. I have always desired siblings and a larger
family. At a late age I found a family
which I am fond of. [The categorisation
is hilarious, as if this is a timeline about a highly interesting
person about whom everyone wishes to know things - how is half
of this even relevent? Why would a random person share such detailed
explanations of his life??]
~The Family I Adopted.~
I had spent many nights with this family. I would eat with them;
go to church with them; work with and shop with them, and we would
watch movies together. I did everything with them that a normal
family would do. They had been with me in hard times and they
gave me a place to go, as a home away from home. I was close to
all of them. I am the best friend of Renee's brother whom I will
call Douglas, and her family, which I will call the Roses, seem
to like me as well. [Even the
names are only pseudonyms!]
~Separation~
Everything was good, until I introduced my girlfriend, whom I
will call Amron [Where on Earth
did this person come up with these names??], to my friend Douglas. She left me for my only
best friend, it hurt me deeply enough to where I was having suicidal
thoughts. Because I had fallen in love with this girl, I wanted
to marry her. It came a total shock to me, I did not expect it
at all! Even worse she started to get involved with the family
I loved so dearly. She had stolen my best friend and it appeared
that she was taking my place in my chosen family!! I could not
stand to be near the pain any more!!! So I joined the military
to escape it all. [If this were
all real, I would tell him to seek help; that is the most insane
reaction ever.]
~Turbulent Times.~ [Such drama!]
In all this struggle - a loss of love, a loss in friendship, an
invasion of security, and total separation of family [for goodness' sake, people DO break up!] -
I wanted to somehow stay connected to the Roses. I could not bear
to talk to Douglas, so I only talked to Renee and her mom. They
were helpful in our conversations. Eventually I was able to talk
to Douglas. He told me some of the things him and Amron were doing...
~Battling Influences~ [Hahahaha.]
I recognized some of the relationship tactics Amron was using
on Douglas...I warned him about what was going to happen next...My
prediction came true and they had broken up! I was happy now that
my friend was back on Track!! [1)
Note the capitalisation! And remember this is meant to be a different
person! 2) I love how he makes himself sound as if he's happy
for his friend's sake, and not out of any jealousy at all.] But
he was trying to hold on to a friendship with Amron. And I found
out that she was trying to influence Renee to be A manipulater
like her!! On top of that I learned, from talking to Renee, that
my other friend, whom I will call Bri [Haha,
the names!], was
also trying to influence Renee to get interested in Vampires.
I was furious!! Burning with anger!! Because I know both Amron
and Bri had alterior motives, Especially Bri, I know his erotic
fetishes pertaining to Vampirism. [You
can't tell me that whole thing isn't hilarious.]
As much as I know
about him, he was seducing Renee into sick pleasures!!!!I Swear
if I was there he would have been beat down to a pulp!!!!I Managed
to call him and let him know how angry I was and that his life
would be in danger if he were to ever get close to Renee again!!!!!
[The !!! remind me an awful lot
of the ??? seen earlier, from Renee.]
I was dissapointed
in Renee's parents and brother for not supervising her encounters
very well!!! A long time ago when Renee was 8 yrs old I specifically
told her mom to keep her pure. My faith in her family's protection
was no more! I feel that it is my duty to salvage Renee from certain
forthcoming doom. [Forthcoming
doom, WOW. Intense. What a saint, too, taking her salvation upon
himself, like that. And I do so love how he happens to mention
all the exact same little details that Renee did in both her letters.]
~Secret Guardian~
I am protective of her. I will ward off anyone that I can, who
I think is of bad influence to her. I worry about her every day
when I think she will venture alone. She does not know any of
this. [Well she does now.]
~For Her~
She looks older than most girls her age. She is and will be a
beautiful lady. She seems mature and highly intelligent. I have
been fond of her since I first met her. I see much growing potential
in her. I have lots of hope for her future. I have loved her with
all my heart for seven years. I would do anything for her. I want
her to know, but how could I tell her? What would her parents
think? How can I tell them? Her brother knows. My closest friends
know. But neither of the families know. How could she love me?
I am willing to wait 4 more years. But I am dying to know if she
could ever love me the same way. ?What do you think about the
sitiuation? [Are we Spanish, now?
Note how Renee did the same thing.] Could it ever work? Please give me some much needed
advice on the matter. On her 13th birthday I sent her a birthday
card with a faith letter attached. She told me it made her feel
uncomfortable. I apologized, and we hung up. It felt like an indirect
rejection. I cried all that night. I am now out of the Army and
I am back home. I have seen them since then. The closeness does
not feel the same. I long for the friendship again... Please E-mail
me your much needed advice.
From: got_answers@hotmail.com
Re: Must I register?
Dear Allan,
No, but it's only
been two days since you sent your question, please be patient
here, we are quite busy ourselves, and we reply to letters as
soon as we have the time. Your friend did not receive her reply
for a week, but it did still come.
In answer to your
question, in my honest opinion, you asked if she would ever love
you, and what you should do about the matter. I really do think
that, if she's feeling this uncomfortable about things, you should
maintain the friendship but not try to push it any further, and
wait. You did say
that you were willing to wait four years for her, however I would
not tell her such a thing because it would only make her more
uncomfortable; it would put pressure on her, and maybe even make
her feel guilty if, perhaps, she didn't end up having those feelings
for you. For the time being, I would
try to work out your friendship, and discuss that aspect of it
with her, to maintain that level of closeness, and not put to
her any more questions about a romantic involvement. No matter
how mature she may be, she IS still only 15.
---Me
From: Allan Honest
Subject: Hopes for Renee = urgent worry
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001
To Answers reply,
from Allan,
Thank you for your reply. I apologize for my lack of patience.
Lately my hopes for Renee have become an urgent matter. She has
been Homeschooled all her life, until this year - now she has
chosen to go to a public High School. Both her parents work early,
Her older sister has a disease which cripples her from driving
[It only gets more dramatic], and her brother is only living at home temporarily.
Renee was given a car and she is applying for a "Hardship
Drivers License". Since I am currently unemployed, I offered
to take her to school. Her mother said, "No, that's Okay."
That statement by her mother makes me wonder how much she knows
of my interest in Renee. [He got
all that from, "No, that's okay."?] I hope, she only said that because she does not
trust my driving, rather than that she doesn't trust me. ?Why
do you think Renee's mom said that? I felt safer for Renee when
she was Homeschooled. I am worried now that she is going Public.
I know her exquisite, beauty and remarkable intelligence, along
with her isolated social Innocence will attract horny male Wolves.
Especially Stupid Teenage guys! [I
just...hahahaha, I can't even come up with the words to reply
to that. And furthermore, does he not sound about 14 himself?
If the kid who wrote all this wanted it to be realistic, he/she
could at least have tried to make Allan sound his age.]
With her complicated unique personality, chances are she will
encounter all the people-types I warned her against. [Chances are that it's going to be pretty hard
for her not to encounter any 'people-types' in her life - and
note the exact same wording there.] It
will be more difficult for me to protect her without looking like
one of the wolves. One thing that gives me some comfort is the
last time she spoke to me she told me that she saved all my letters
because she never knows when she might need to use them. I still
worry about her, because I have seen many young girls make crippling
mistakes with foolish and Abusive guys. It is very rare to find
anyone with any sort of willpower or even an ounce of desire to
save themselves for marriage.
??Should I worry at all?? I also
worry about her later on. She had told me that in 4 or 5 years
she plans to go to a school in Chicago. Maybe what I am really
worried about is that I may lose her. She seems to be my last
hope for a wife. [If you talk
the way you have in these letters, that really doesn't surprise
me.] I haven't found another like
her. I desire a future with her. My previous girlfriend, whom
I was in love with, Changed her feelings for me when she moved
away. I figured it was due to the distance that separated her
from loving me. But I found out that she was seeing my friend
only 15 minutes away. ???Do you see why I feel the way I do???
I want our possabilities for a relationship to remain open. I
am in fear of losing a potential relationship with "Reneea
Rose". [What a name! And
I love how the spelling of her first name is suddenly different.
Also, didn't Renee introduce herself as if Renee was a pseudonym?
How did Allan end up then calling her by the same assumed name?]
????Do you think there is a possible
future for us together???? She may not be The One for me. I hope
she could be. If I am not the one for her I want her to find someone
who is Trustworthy and I know for sure He loves her with all his
heart, as I do. I have tried to find others to be in love with.
I haven't found anyone else yet. I am growing weary of being alone.
I am tired of seeing females foolishly falling for Stupid and
Cruel guys. I am a Trustworthy, loyal, and Loving man. ?????Why
do girls seem to not go for that????? I have not seen any other
girl who is Loving, attractive, and smart enough to meet my standards.
Those are the only (3) traits I am looking for in a lady. [What is with the parenthetical 3, there?] "Reneea Rose" seems to be the only one
that could fit; Any other, looks like I'll have to custom build
myself. [Uh...what? Are we talking
like 'Weird Science' here, now?] ??????Where
do you think I could find someone who could fit my personality??????
I suspect girls distrust me because I seem unreal. [HAHAHAHA. No, really!? Get out of here!] ???????How do you think I could let them know that
I am as True as I show??????? I cannot stand to be alone much
longer..... I feel Death pulling at my heart.... My hopes are
vanishing...... and my mind is shutting down....... [Do I really even need to comment on this last
part??]
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