Words of wisdom for the not so wise... and some of lifes unanswered questions

If love is blind then maybe you need a dog to lead you around.

Luck is only truly found if you get lucky.

Serial killers and pyschopaths are God's answers to population problems!

Why do people put so much stock into their astrological signs? It all depends on when your parents had sex!

You know you're crazy when the voices in your head send you Christmas gifts... and then you actually recieve them.

Everyone has a photographic memory... just some of us don't have film.

The deepest revelations we find are the ones we ignore.

If I kill you... would you get mad?

Life is alot like shit... the more you try and shape it, the nastier it gets.

I think I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I believe I have forgotten this before.

It's always funny, until someone gets hurt. Then it's fucking hilarious.

Remember kids, only you can start forest fires.

Killing is such sweet sorrow. >=)

The universe to you is what headlights are to small, dumb animals.

Beauty is only skin deep... ugliness goes all the way down to the bone!

I love defensless animals . . . especially in good gravy.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Death is kinda like those few seconds right after an orgasm.

If the shoe fits... get another one just like it.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my parents asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss??

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it that when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

If you spin a chinese person around, is he then disoriented?