by halfpint
copyright and copy 1996.
all rights reserved.
1. If you have memorized the theme songs to 50 TV shows.
2. If you eat bugs.
3. If you sit at the dinner table and say "I love ketchup. ketchup's good. ketchup's good on everything. I love mustard. mustard's good. mustard's good on everything. I love pickles. pickles are good. pickles are good on everything... "
4. If you strut along the street saying "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, schlameel, schlamizell, hosenfeff incorporated!"
5. If you dance around a campfire singing "fish don't fry in the kitchen and beans don't burn on the grill..."
6. If you think "Three's company" is educational programming.
7. If you dress in your sunday best to go to Sears.
8. If you sit at a table in the woods with a bunch of other people, swaying from side to side and singing "Chef Boyardee, we love chef boyardee, chef boyardee, it's very fun to eat!"
9. If you are amused by the "clap on" device.
10. If you like to watch the traffic lights change from red to green to yellow to red...
11. If you like shaving cream in your hair. (do you like it in your hair? Yes I like it in my hair! in your hair? in my hair! aaaaaaaaaaa!)
12. If you will accept a bagel as a reward for putting on a roof.
13. If you have 10 pairs of khaki pants and 10 blue shirts because that's all you wear.
14. If you tell the same story 100 times about how you wrestled all night.
15. If you can't watch a TV program for 5 minutes without changing the channel.
16. If you are still depressed because the OJ trial is over and there's nothing else for you to watch.
17. If you wear a neon orange button that says "safety first" on your shirt.
18. If you love to shred paper.
19. If you wear a T-shirt that says "I eat algae, ask me why."
20. If you REALLY believe that Amway is a get rich quick scheme.
21. If you crawl on the carpet and sniff, claiming you're looking for something.
22. If you smell everything that you take out of your pockets.
23. If your pen is missing and you immediately think maybe an alien took it.
24. If you shine a flashlight in the sky in order to send a secret signal to batman.
25. If you look in the sky with binoculars to try to find a comet so you can be famous.
26. If you're standing in a line and you shake your fists and yell "cowabunga, dude!"
27. If you see someone and run off screaming "Yikes! A Gorillalalalalalalalala!"
28. If you spin around and around, trying to turn into wonder woman.
29. If you walk around the neighborhood in a darth vader outfit, knocking on people's doors and asking if they can play.
30. If you think that anyone who calls you "dude" is a friend.
31. If your life goal is to audition for the lead role in "Hee Haw, the Movie."
32. If your idea of a date is to go to the grocery store, buy a coke and play pac-man.
33. If you use peanut butter as deodorant.
34. If you wear a tennis wristband to attract women.
35. If your answering machine message says "I like skunks and I like you, so please call me back, and please be quiet to accommodate those who are sleeping."
36. If you call someone just to tell them you used the bathroom.
37. If you stand outside a public bathroom and ask each person if they flushed the toilet and washed their hands.
38. If you dig in trash cans to find people's love letters, so you can fantasize.
39. If you watch home shopping network more than 2 hours a day.
40. If you leave a message on someone's answering machine that goes like this: "you get 7 kinds of fruit in hawaiian punch, 7 kinds of fruit in hawaiian punch, hawaiian punch is made with 7 kinds of fruit for a one of a kind fruit taste!"
41. If you introduce yourself by singing, "I'm mr. celery, I'm ms. parsley, we are the onion twins, we make tuna twist makes tuna taste, fresh from the garden!"
42. If you try to market a product called the "Lee Press-on tooth".
43. If you consider a box of bricks entertainment.
44. If you have a bullhorn that makes you sound like a robot, and you use it when you talk on the phone.
45. If you go in the woods to try to catch a skunk.
46. If you hang out at the laundromat.
47. If you pretend you're an alligator and crawl on the floor moving your arms up and down, like alligator jaws.
48. If you lick chalkboards clean.
49. If you like the taste of mouthwash and drink it with dinner.
50. If you are taking a bath, and you drink the water and eat the soap. (and try to eat the bathtub)...
51. If you swim in mall fountains.
52. If you try to surf in snow.
53. If you sit in a corner and mumble to yourself about the price of rice in China.
54. If you try to eat soup out of a shotglass.
55. If you drink kool-aid and try to convince everyone that it's wine.
56. If you volunteer to pop someone else's pimple.
57. If you collect used kleenex.
58. If you blow your nose on your clothes.
59. If you say "oh you're so nice and sweaty today" as a pick-up line.
60. If, every time you look at a picture of some guys, you say, "JOOOOOCKS!"