Some groovy jokes....
The LONG ones...
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,
"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If get burritos one more time I'm going to jump
off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said,
"Bologna
again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees
corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican
opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The
blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death
also.
At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping.
She says,
"If I'd known how really tired he was of corned
beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says,
"I could
have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he
hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch.
THE ROBBERY
In the wee hours of the morning, three Irish robbers meet and embark on their plans to get rich. Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system gets underway immediately. The robbers, expecting to find one or two safes with cash and valubles were more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank. The first safe combination was cracked, and inside the robbers found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
"Well," said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat," They opened up the second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not one dollar, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all the safes contained containers of pudding. Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.
The following morning, a Dublin newspaper headline read:
"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"
"Quickies"
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.
What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.
What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A bellybutton! (eww...)
Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!