BEN'S BIOGRAPHY: WHAT WENT WRONG?
Ben was born in September, 1898. He was the son of Cmdr. Butch Jaworowski
and a street prostitute known as Madam Gypsy Mandible. Raised by his father,
Ben was sent to military school during his formative years. 
After serving in the trenches of France in World War I, Ben sought affection in
the eager arms of a streetwise lounge singer who went by the name of Jeri Ryan.
Living together in Paris after the war, Ben and Jeri embraced the 20's flapper
club scene. Ben's fame spread with his newly cultured ability with the jazz
trumpet and he became known throughout Paris as the King of Jive. Jeri
supplied income as a popular pin-up girl, mainly noted for her abnormally
large breasts. In 1927, however, Ben returned to America for his father's
funeral (his mother had been killed in 1919 following an incident with her
pimp). Jeri did not join him in America until right before the stock market
crash of 1929. They were wed in 1930, three days before the birth of their
first child, Pietra Gypsy Mandible Ryan-Jaworowski. Unfortunately, Pietra
committed suicide at the tender age of 3 upon learning her name. This sent
Ben into a spiral of booze and cheap women. Jeri remained to him, but in the 1940s she had several
children bearing an uncanny resemblance to Pres. Roosevelt. Ben died in 1959.
ELENA'S LIFE: A STUDY IN PARANOIA
Elena was born in 1934 to Gov. Burt Asban and his wife Bambi. When Elena was
10, her father was shot and killed during an election speech. She greatly
impressed her fourth grade class by providing a flowchart diagramming the 
CIA's possible involvement in the assassination. At 17, a vampire by the
name of Count Ben Affleck fell in love with Elena and turned her into a
vampire as well. Instead of killing humans, Elena settled for eating her
steaks extra rare. In 1971, Elena left her undead lover for the disco
nightclubs. This was the first place she felt truly accepted, and she
quickly gained the nickname Diva Vamp. In the early 80s, Elena became
immersed in the new form of music known as rap. Adopting the name Chilly E,
she was shunned by the rap scene and was contemplating killing herself with
a stake when she ran into Ben in the beef section of her local supermarket.
They wed soon afterwards and moved to Beverly Hills. Elena's bliss was
short-lived, unfortunately, for in 1991 Ben died after a horrible accident
involving a fence post and a pogo stick. Undaunted, Elena once again tried
for a musical career. Once it was learned that she was a vampire, however,
she found it difficult to get work. Elena is currently the Spice Girl that
nobody ever talks about.
ERIN'S BIOGRAPHY: WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
Erin was born circa late December, 1172. She was the 12th child of Lord Drake D'Watkins and
Lady Rosemary, members of the upper class who owned
large plots of land in the French countryside. At 15, Erin traveled to
Madrid and began a career as a street magician and mime to avoid an arranged
marriage to the King of England. A celebrated juggler, she soon began
touring Europe with a group known as The Merry Exhibitionists. In 1194,
while performing incognito for the King of England, Erin was introduced to
an Irish court jester by the name of Robert O'Downey, He convinced her to
part with her band and live in sin with him in London. In 1201, Erin gave
birth to a son, DJ Jazzy Jeff O'Downey, and the family resettled in Rome.
It was in Italy that Robert found religion and became a priest, renouncing
sex forever. Upon learning this, a distraught Erin dabbled in alchemy,
hoping to become so rich that Robert would give up the priesthood for her.
Instead, she was seized by the Italian police. Erin burned at the stake
for witchcraft in 1211. Her ancestors now reside in the USA.
KATE: ORANGE YOU GLAD IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO YOU?
Kate Van was born sometime in the month of April, 1801, to a German noble 
by the name of Hannibal von Favaberger and a handmaiden mistress named
Tonya. To hide the child from his wife, von Favaberger sent Kate to the
Austrian countryside to be raised by an immigrant Scottish farming family
by the name of McLecter. She grew up tending to the family's herd of sheep,
leading them up the mountain and down again. This life would have left her
quite content had it not been for a young man named Matthew
Lillardshnoogen. Matt was a private detective sent by Lady von Favaberger to
discover if a love child actually existed. Of course, Matt and Kate fell deeply
in love, Kate never having seen a man before. However, the McLecters
refused to allow Kate to leave as long as she had her flock to tend to, so Matt
shot all of the sheep dead. While he served his time in prison, Kate made her
way to Vienna, the cultural center of Austria. There she carried on a soulless
affair with Ludwig van Beethoven from 1823 to 1825. In June of 1825, Matt
broke out of prison and came for Kate. They were wed in secret in July and
changed their names to Van in order to hide from the law. Matt found work
as a security guard at an opium den and Kate began her theatre career
under the stage name Marilyn Hodaddy. Kate won acclaim in productions like
A Flock Starlings, but her name was tarnished after portraying a
prostitute in 1830's Ten Billion Served. Ashamed and finding the
law at their heels, the Vans fled to Russia in 1831. The events which took
place in Russia are unknown, but in 1843 the Vans resurfaced in Vienna.
However, Matt was showing signs of mental disturbance. One of his
hobbies included putting dirty lyrics to Beethoven works and singing them
publicly in drag. Kate reluctantly had him committed in 1846 and returned to
her life as a country shepherdess. Her life was abruptly cut short, however,
when a gutsy spring lamb headbutted her off the side of the mountain. Three
people showed up for her funeral, and they were just there for the free food.
Matt died in 1879.
Well, there we are. I'll bet you're saying to yourselves, "What sweet, darling children!
The world needs more of us, I know, but we can't have everything now, can we?