TITLE: Hot Flashes
AUTHOR: perletwo
SUMMARY: Response to
alizardincrimson's 3-way challenge.
SPOILERS: Season six-ish.
RATING: Hard R to NC-17, if I do
this right.
DISCLAIMERS: Joss is God! Mutant Enemy *rocks*!
Grr, arrgh! (please don't sue me, 'k?)
A/N: This is purely experimental. You be the
judge of whether it works or not.
"Hey! Hello! Welcome!"
"Xan-man! DU-ude! Hap-py las' night'a
freedom!"
"Hey! Oh! Hey, Giles! You made it!"
"Indeed. So good to see you again, Xander!
Congratulations!"
"C'mon in, the party's just getting
started..."
****
"heeheeeee! oh what chaos shall reign once
*these* babies are in the bubbly!"
"And we don't even have to resort to our
demon powers to do it. Gotta love that mortal ingenuity."
"The humans have a saying, my friend:
Better living through chemistry..."
****
"Watcher."
"Spike. Champagne?"
"Sure, why not." ::sniff::
"...erm...hmm. Surprised you're not at my throat, Rupert. Buffy an'
all."
"Nonsense. We're Englishmen. We're - well.
*I'm* civilised. I'm sure we can settle our differences in a...mature
fashion."
"Yerse. Whatever. Long's it doesn't upset
Buffy. She's - " ::sigh::
"She is indeed. Pardon me a moment?"
"Sure." ::glug::glug::splash::
****
"Spike. Could I have a word
with you in private?"
"Sure, if you think you can
find any."
"Perhaps we could...step
outside?"
****
"How much *longer*? This
party's putting me to sleep!"
"Patience, my scaly friend.
Perhaps half an hour more...."
****
::clatter::click::clank::
"WottheBLOODY'ELL -"
"Did you really think I would
just let you ruin and use up my dear girl without a fight, Spike? I told you
what would happen if you dared lay a hand on her...:
"Watcher! I - she - we - I
*never*! - "
"Save it for someone who cares.
And don't bother struggling; those chains are enchanted, proof against your
vampire strength. Come along now, be a good boy..."
"Ow! Giles, mind 'ow you're
pullin' that!..."
****
::huff::puff::click::gasp::
"Hey! Giles! There you are!
Almost time for the, ah, live entertainment if you know what I mean."
"Wouldn't miss it for the
world, old man. Jet lag *is* beginning to catch up with me, though. I may leave
the field to you young bucks right after, if that's all right."
"Ah sure. Say, seen Spike
around anywhere?"
"No, no, not lately..."
****
"Thanks for helping me clean
up, Buffy. I can't imagine what those boys were *doing* in here to make such a
gawdawful mess!"
"Anything for the bride, Anya.
Especially since my after-party date seems to have ditched..."
"Well, it's not just you, dear,
*all* the men seem to have cleared out on us. What's up with that?"
"Dunno." ::sniff::
"Oooh! Leftover champers! Anya, d'you mind?"
"Help yourself. Consider it
your reward for your good deed."
"Hey, Buffy, can I have
some?"
"Dawn, you're too young and you
know it!"
"Aw, c'mon Buffy, one glass
won't hurt her. Live a little."
"Well, okay..."
****
"All ri', Rupert. The
chain's're one thing. But this pose is BLOODY undignified!"
"Be SILENT!"
::swish::THWACK::swizzle::
"OWW!"
::sigh:: "And the latent
British schoolmaster emerges from the librarian's mild-mannered
exterior..."
::swish::THWACK:: "...shuddup,
you...you...you an' my...mi'Buffy...m'dearrrgrrrl..."
::THWACK::ACK::ACK::swish::
"OWW-BOLLOCKS! RUPERT!"
"...bollocks...yerrrrse....*nice*
red bollocks..." ::stroke::fondle::pet::
"...oh hell, Giles, you really
*do* have a latent British schoolmaster thing goin' on, don't you?"
"...mmmm..."
::giggle::snort::giggle::zzzzziiiiipppp::
"...awww hell...OWW, 'ey watch
where you're...h'mmm....okaaay...ohyeah, like that..."
****
::CRASH::giggle:: "SPIKE?"
"Buffy? Oh dear!"
::squeak::bounce:: squeal::
"Spiii-iiikkkeeeyyyy, you
hoo-ooommmee? C'mout c'mout wh'rrrevvver you aaarrrreee..."
"BUFFY?! Down 'ere, luv! Thank God!"
::giggles:: "oooh, Spikey did a
bad bad thiiinngg..."
"...ahh, luv, could you just,
ah, the chains?...."
::giggle::snort::moan::
" -
oh!...okaayy...ahhh...yeahhh...li'l to the left, Baby..."
"Buffy?"
"Giles?"
"You're -"
"You're -"
::stereo::" - all NAKED!
...and...and...oooohhhh..."
"..aww, BLOODY'ell..."
::sigh::
::swish::THWACK::giggle::
"...mmm..."
****
"...owww."
"Ah! Sleeping Beauty awakens.
Welcome back, Rupert."
"Not so loud,
please....Spike?"
"H'm?"
"Why, erm...why am I naked?"
::snort::
"...and, erm...why are *you*
naked?"
::glare::growl::snarl::
"...and...erm...why -"
::groan::
"...ohmigod...badbadbadbeer...GILES?! I'm - I'm - you're - SPIKE?
WHATTHEHELLDIDYOUDOTOUS?!"
"ME?! I'm the one all chained
up, you bloody bint! Ask y'r pillock Watcher!"
"...erm, ahhh, er, yerse,
wellyouseeBuffyit'sallverysimple -"
::moans::
"I'm guessin' it was somethin'
in the fizzy water, m'self."
"H'mmm...no, why wouldn't you
be hung over then? Vampire physiology?"
::smirks::"You weren't
complainin' about the physiology last night, Rupert. Di'n't drink any. Stuff
smelled vile."
"And you didn't say
anything?" ::frowns::
"Figured Miss Anya'd saved a
nickel buyin' the cheap bubbly for the stag party was all. Who knew?"
"....oooohhhh.... - oh NO! I
let Dawn drink some too!"
"DAWN?! Watcher, I -"
::clank::SNAP::clonkle:: "HEY! Enchanted chains my red arse!"
"Erm, well, yes, they *were*
enchanted...to make you suggestible to the idea they were unbreakable."
"Rupert, I'm shocked."
"That I'd deceive you?"
"No, that you'd be so devious.
Right proud of you I am, mate."
"Spike, can we, ahh - y'know?
Dawn?"
"Right. Off we go,
then..."
"SPIKE?! WHERE ARE MY
CLOTHES?"
::CRASH::
::giggle::
::groan::
::END::