
Spanking techniques
Preparation
Before placing the child over your lap, you may want to remove any
keys or other hard items from your pocket. You might also wish to remove
the rings or other jewelry from your spanking hand. Many parents prefer
to roll up their sleeves prior to the spanking. It's important that
there be no obstructions preventing you from spanking safely.
If you're going to sit on a chair, place it in the center of the
room. If you're using a bed, keep a safe distance from any bedposts so
the child will not get hurt from uncontrolled movements; sitting on the
side of the bed usually works best. Seating yourself in the middle of a
couch in order to administer an over-the-lap spanking is even better still.
Placing an uncooperative child into over-the-lap position
(Reader's contribution, June 2002): "If the child won't lie across
your lap on a bed or couch, try this. Right-handedness is assumed.
If left-handed, replace left with right, and vice versa.
Find an armless chair which, when you sit in it, your thigh is
above the child's knee, ideally at about the middle of the child's
thighs. Take the child's left wrist in your right hand and take him/her
to your selected chair. Sit down, with the child on your right side.
For this to work, you must spread your knees. The child's weight
will be supported on your lap, and by spreading your knees, you gain
stability. Transfer the child's wrist to your left hand and pull him/her
over your lap. Pull him/her to your left, and lean, if you must. The
child has to lean forward against your right thigh, and once you've
pulled his/her center of gravity past your thigh, he/she will "trip"
over your right thigh and instinctively will catch himself/herself with his/her
right hand on your left thigh. He/she will now be lying across your lap,
with his/her feet off the floor. Now, use your left hand to hold his/her
upper body. The right hand, of course, is occupied with the now
positioned bottom.
It is always preferable to get the child to cooperate, but if the
spanking is necessary and he/she won't accept it, try this."
Bare bottom or not?
The majority of parents who use spanking prefer to spank their children
bare-bottomed. It has a number of advantages:
-
it will hurt more than a spanking on the outer clothes or on the under clothes.
Therefore, it is best for spanking with the hand (spanking a fully clothed
bottom with the hand is fairly ineffective)
-
it allows the parent to gauge the severity of the spanking (visual feedback)
-
it feels more natural for parents to spank a child's bare rather than clothed
bottom
-
it is fairer: spanking on whatever garment the child happens to wear would
allow a random factor to play a major role - spanking on the bare treats
every child and every case equal
-
the smacking sound - much more pronounced than a spanking on pants - adds
to the psychological impact
-
the act of baring the bottom and presenting it for the spanking makes the
spanking more formal and ceremonial - it increases the important "ritual"
aspect of the punishment experience
Some people feel that bare bottom spanking should be discouraged because
it is too painful or too embarrassing for the child. Of course, it depends
on cultural differences and the individual family. But if spankings are
given as recommended here (only by parents, only in privacy, only with
the hand, and in a loving and non-humiliating manner), this argument cannot
be upheld.
Alternatives
A good alternative - a middle course - between spanking fully clothed and
spanking bare-bottomed is spanking on the underpants. This retains most
of the bare-bottom advantages listed above. While denim jeans
estimatedly absorb about 70% of a spanking's impact, underpants absorb
only 10-20%. Psychologically, the exposing of the child's underwear
constitutes an "act of baring" too, albeit less powerful than the exposing
of the bare bottom.
Feb-2001: A reader recommends yet another solution:
"If you are hesitant to spank a bare bottom, have the child wear a thin pair
of panties or the tight spandex shorts they wear these days, then either get
them wet before the child puts them on or have the child get them wet in the
sink, shower or bath after being put on. This makes the fabric cling to the
buttocks making a good view for the spanker and still protects the skin. The
child feels the pressure of the fabric on the bottom before the spanks begin
which seems to remind them of what is coming.
An older child can lay on the bed with 2 pillows under the hips
and pull the pants tighter with both hands. This method makes the child very
aware of their bottom raised in the air and poised for the spanking to
come (...) This method still stings and reddens the bottom a great deal."
Oct-2001: Another reader suggests a way to bare a child's bottom without
removing or pulling down his/her underwear. "All you have to do (after pulling
down the pants) is to place the child on your lap with his underwear still
on. You take both edges and pull them to the center and tuck them in the crack.
Although this is not a complete baring, it does show a large portion of flesh
and will leave the sit spot available for the spanking."
Dec-2002: Another idea is to tell your child to prepare for his/her spanking
by putting on a pair of drop-seat pajamas without underwear (see reader's
feedback, Dec 6, 2002). Opening the rear flap gives the parent easy access
to the bare bottom without frontal nudity. Drop-seat pajamas may be
a little difficult to find nowadays but if you can sew you can try using these
old sewing patterns, or
try shopping for drop-seat pajamas/long johns here,
here, or here.

Taking the pants down
The pants can either be taken down
to the ankles, to the knees (half way down), or to just below the buttocks,
although the latter is less advisable (taking the pants a bit lower than
absolutely necessary increases the ritual aspect of the baring). They can
also be removed completely; then they
won't be dangling somewhere. For reasons of modesty, the pants are
best taken down just before the child gets into position. For girls who
wear dresses or skirts, the skirt can simply be turned up after the girl
is over the parent's lap.
(Reader's contribution, Mar 2005) "When taking the pants down, the parent should not just yank them down.
This not only eliminates the ritual aspect of the baring, but in case of a boy, could cause injury
to his genitals. The procedure should be done slowly, but deliberately. With the child standing
in front of you, slide the outer garment (pants or shorts) down to the desired position,
leaving the underwear in place. Then take down the underwear to the desired position, preferably
slightly higher than the outer garment, but low enough to bare the entire bottom. If the
child is wearing a garment that does not require underwear, such as pajamas, take the pants
down to the same position as if it were underwear. During this procedure the child may be
whining or crying; promising not to do it again. Maintain eye contact, but do not reply
verbally, continue to take the pants down. This will not only increase the ritual aspect of the
baring, but will insure the child understands the parent is in complete control. When the
spanking is over; with younger children, 2 to 5, the parent should pull the pants up, even
if the child was allowed to do the baring as described below. This will give the child a
sense of finality. An older child may require more time to compose him or herself. It's would
be okay for the parent to say "When you're ready, pull up your pants and come on out".
Then leave the room."
Some parents ask/order their children to take down their pants,
allowing/forcing them to cooperate. Others prefer to do the act
themselves. Both approaches have advantages and disadvantages. It
also depends on the individual situation and the child. If children
refuse to cooperate, it may help to let them put their hands on their
head for the procedure - this will minimize the hassle. If children
are penitent and cooperative, it is okay to allow them to do the
baring itself (see "Cooperative children").
Breathing
(Added May, 2003) A spanking is exhausting for the parent, but even more so for the child.
It can actually compare to the physical effects of a one-mile run. It
promotes the circulation and increases the pulse. This in turn requires breathing
faster and deeper. In extreme cases it can lead to hyperventilation.
Therefore it is a very important safeguard to make sure the child is
breathing normally before commencing the spanking. After checking
you're sufficiently calmed down yourself, it is recommendable to ask a question
such as "are you ready for your spanking?" to find out
whether your child is both physically and mentally ready.
If your child appears out of breath, e.g. from running away in an attempt
to escape the punishment or from a heated discussion beforehand,
give him/her time to calm down to normal pulse and breathing
before beginning the punishment.
If your child appears out of breath during the spanking, stop immediately.
Positioning: How to spank a 3 year old
(Reader's contribution, Dec 2002): "Place the child over your lap.
When spanking a 3 year old it is not necessary to lift your arm high,
you only need to lift your wrist at the elbow.
If the child tries to squirm out of position than you can place
your left elbow at the right side of the child, level with the
child's shoulder. This should mean that your hand will be positioned
at the waist and you will be able to pull the child closer to your
body. This will trap the child between your body and your left arm.
This will stop the child from squirming and make the spanking safer."
Readying your hand
There are basically two ways of spanking with an open hand. The first
is to stiffen your hand, flattening it like a paddle. This is less advisable
because it's likely to make you feel aggressive and overly mechanical.
Besides, it creates an unfavorable impact.

Figure 1. Spanking with a stiffened hand.
The alternative is to have your hand relaxed and flexible (especially
at the wrist), like a strap. This figures to be the better choice. If you
have ever played congas, bongos, tennis or squash, you will know what it
means to keep your wrist flexible. Keep your four fingers together and relaxed,
too. Note that it will be mainly your fingers that do the work, not your
palm. Your thumb will not participate much, so you can move it a bit out
of the way. Concentrate on where and how your four fingers make contact
with the child's bottom.

Figure 2. Spanking with a relaxed hand.
Cupping the hand while spanking the bare bottom of a smaller child reduces
the pain produced. At the same time, it produces a much louder sound - this
makes the spanking seem more severe than it acually is. This trick can be
very useful. It increases the psychologic effect while keeping the physical
pain to a minimum.

Figure 3. Spanking with a cupped hand.
Don't lift your arm high. You would only sacrifice accuracy to
apparent power.
Distribution
Do not restrict the spanks to any one area, but try to distribute them
evenly over the whole of the buttocks. Determine just where you want each
spank to land. If the spanking is bare-bottom, you'll be able to see the
skin redden as you smack it and direct your hand accordingly. Generally,
keep a safe distance from the kidneys, the coccyx and the genital area
(the latter especially when spanking a boy). Also, spank only the convex
part of the buttocks, not the sides.

Figure 4. The blue areas show the "prohibited zones": the
kidney (K), the coccyx (C) and the genital (G) area. The orange areas indicate
where spanking is safe. The lower half of each buttock (the "sit spot",
just above the place where the thigh and the bottom meets, shown in pink)
is particularly suitable for spanking. The drawing on the right illustrates
how to find the recommended area: keep about one inch (3 cm) lower than the
top of the crack. Never spank higher than that.
Since the bottom is divided into two cheeks, there are three options
for placing each spank - left cheek, right cheek, or both cheeks together.
Spanks that cover both cheeks can be particularly effective, but to ensure
a good distribution, it's best to use all three areas in
a random pattern (e.g. l, r, b, r, b, b, l, l, r, b, b...).
Speed and rhythm
There are two schools of thought. One says to spank at a steady pace,
with roughly equal intervals between the spanks. The spanking rate can
be as fast as 2-3 spanks per second (quick slapping) or as slow as only
one spank in 3-4 seconds. Generally, spankings with an implement (e.g. a
paddle) - which are discouraged on this website - should be slower than hand spankings.
The "steady pace" style,
however, is somewhat robotic. So, the other approach is to vary the tempo
all the time. Also, the location and force of each spank should change
in a random fashion. This will make each smack unpredictable and the overall
spanking more effective.
Building up
Imagine yourself giving (or receiving), say, five spanks of different strength -
very light, light, medium, hard, very hard. Does the order in which these
spanks are given matter?
Physically, the order should be irrelevant: the total effect
is the sum of the spanks, and the result of a sum does not depend on the
order of its components. This law applies to the physical aspects of the
spanking, such as the redness that results from the spanks. A spanking however is not given for
physical but for psychological reasons; and psychologically,
the order does matter. Spanks given in an increasing pattern have a stronger
effect than the same spanks given in a decreasing pattern. Parents can use
this effect to reduce the number of spanks (and their summed up physical
impact) needed to reach the desired result.
Of course, when giving a spanking that consists of more than 5 spanks,
it is neither practicable nor desirable to increase the strength throughout.
There are limits on both ends of the scale - too light spanks are
ineffective while too hard spanks are unsafe. For this reason, it is
recommendable to use sub-patterns of increasing strength - like an (ideally,
somewhat irregular) sawtooth function. If you're familiar with musical
terms, think of a series of short crescendos. Many parents will intuitively
follow this principle when giving a spanking.
Note: increasing the speed of the spanking in a likewise manner (accellerando)
is not a very good idea. If the spanks come too fast, they are actually felt
less, not more. Generally, for maximum impact each spank should be given
sufficient time to "sink in" before the next spank.
The first spank is important
As an exception to the "building up" rule, the first spank should not
be a weak one. It is too psychologically important. Start with a good first
swat to get your child's full attention, then decrease.
Changing the position
(Reader's contribution, 2001): After spanking with the child
in the usual position, i.e. bottom to the right and head to the left, try
reversing the position and continuing the spanking with the hand applying
the spanks pointed downwards towards the base of the bottom.This enables
the spanks to land in a slightly different region and thus increases the
coverage.
"I had the idea when I was watching my sister give a spanking to her
young son whilst in the standing position. For the reasons you give I don't
favour that position but it occurred to me that her hand pointing downward
meant that she was making contact with the lower middle part of his bottom
in a way which my spankings did not. I then realised that the same effect
could be achieved by having the child's bottom on the left hand side. This
method also introduces a little variety and additional ritual into the
proceedings which I rather like."
Duration
When setting up house rules, some parents agree on fixed numbers of
spanks for certain offenses. This scheme is traditionally mostly used for
canings because the severity of the implement necessarily keeps the number
of strokes low; e.g. 3 or 6 strokes with the cane ("six of the best").
For spankings given with the flat hand, it is appropriate to give at
most 2-3 times as many spanks as the child's age. In practice, many parents
don't count the smacks - they just stop when they feel the punishment has
been sufficient. This flexible approach is preferable because it allows to
take the child's reaction into account.
In addition, counting each spank makes the exercise cold and impersonal.
This may be something for judicial corporal punishment, but not for a normal
parent-child spanking.
During the spanking
During the spanking, it is best to keep silent. For one thing, you
can concentrate better on each spank when you are not talking. Also, your
child's thoughts should be focussed entirely on the spanking. You're
probably familar with the "Now <spank> will you <spank> promise <spank>
to be <spank> good? <spank>" approach. Avoid this if you can. By
asking questions during the spanking you will distract your child. In
effect, neither your words nor your spanks will get the attention they need.
Use your voice during the spanking only to control your children verbally
when they have gotten out of position (see the next section). But don't use
your voice to keep your children from crying. Crying is natural in this
situation and not an act of disobedience. Tears are good and purifying.
The "layer cake" method
(Added May, 2003) This method was suggested by a former public school
teacher who has been instructing parents with great success on how
to spank effectively. In this method, the spanking is split into
a series of intervals with a dialogue phase in between each
"layer".
"With the "layer cake" approach, the necessary preparation
and explanation are followed by sufficient spanking to
ensure the child's attention. Then, with the child either
repositioned so that he or she is standing at the parent's
knee or still in position, the parent reasons with the child.
The parent then spanks enough to make sure that he or she
has the child's undivided attention before pausing to reason
with the child once more. A little more talking is then
followed by a little more spanking. (...)
All comments made by the parent
during the punishment should be positive, specifically
addressing the parent's faith in the child to fulfill the
parent's reasonable expectation, since the spanking addresses
the parent's displeasure with the child's past behavior (as
well as maintaining the child's undivided attention).
The reasoning is meant to provide balance in the child's mind
as the parent directs and amends the child's thinking process
from the past and into the future. Repetition, ritual, and
reinforcement are key components of "layer cake". So the
lesson the parent desires to teach is not likely to have to
be repeated. (...)
The spanking and pauses for discussion should proceed at a
pace with which the parent is comfortable and the child is
appropriately responsive.
The planned pauses allow both the parent and child to reflect
on the disciplinary process. In particular, it permits the
parent to concentrate on one task at a time while gauging
the effectiveness. (...) The alternating pattern of reinforcing "layers" spanking and
dialogue continues until the parent is absolutely sure that
the child has "gotten the message". Then, the parent finishes
the session with sufficient spanking to bring the child to a
full flow of cleansing tears and repentance. Of course, it
goes without saying that, unreserved reconciliation follows."
Note: Some children cry more easily than others. For this reason,
crying is not an objective indicator to judge whether the punishment
is enough. If your child doesn't cry easily, you should not
assume that a spanking isn't effective just because he/she isn't
crying. Tears are cleansing, but they aren't a must.
For more details on the "layer cake" method, see Reader's
Feedback, April 30, 2003.
Positive reinforcement
(Added May, 2003) When discussing the child's behavior, try to use
positive statements addressing your faith in the child to fulfill
your expectations. The reasoning is meant to provide balance in the
child's mind as the parent directs and amends the child's thinking
process from the past and into the future.
Here are some examples for positive verbal reinforcement: "I know that you can do
better and you know it, too, don't you? You are much better than
your recent behavior is telling the world that you are; isn't it?
Way down, deep inside, you really are a good kid; aren't you?
You know, I would not trade you for any child in the whole wide
world. You are mine and I am keeping you. Even now, I love you more
than you know at this moment. You really are a good kid. I am never
letting you go. But, we are here because we are not going to let
the way you have acted get in the way of who you are and what you
can become! You really are bunches and bunches better than you have
behaved recently. Why just the other day your grandmother (teacher,
whoever, or I) was saying (praise, praise, praise) ..."
To be avoided at all costs are guaranteed spirit-breakers such as,
"You are just like you father (or mother); how could you be so stupid?"
or "Why can't you be like your sister (or older brother, cousin, etc.);
she (or he)’s so perfect; why can't you be just like her (him)?"
Also to be avoided are open-ended questions for which no real answer
may exist. These may include, "Why do you behave like that?" Often,
the child has no idea.
For more details on positive reinforcement, see Reader's
Feedback, April 30, 2003.
Keeping in position
Assuming a good position before the spanking begins is important, but
sometimes it can be difficult to maintain. The child may start kicking,
squirming, or trying to cover his/her bottom with his/her hand. If so,
the parent must counteract because such resistance jeopardizes the
safety of the spanking.
The best solution is to verbally get the child back into the proper
position. It can help to let the child grab the legs of the chair, or the
parent's legs. This will make it easier to keep his/her hands in front and
give them some physical (and moral) support. If this still doesn't help
and the child's hand flings back, it should be held, "pinned down", at
the small of the child's back with the parent's free left hand, allowing
the spanking to continue.
To prevent kicking, the best solution again is verbal instruction. As
a physical countermeasure if verbal instruction doesn't help, the child's
legs can be tucked under the parent's right leg (see chapter
"Positions"). Also, the child's pants, if
they are bunched at the knees or ankles, will limit the freedom to kick.
After the spanking
Remember that after the spanking, the child has "paid" for his/her
misbehavior and should be fully forgiven, effective immediately. The
slate is clean again. Reassure your child, tell him/her how much he/she
is loved and that the punishment was necessary to keep him/her from
repeating the bad act. If he/she is crying, hold him/her on your lap
until the tears subside, and hug him/her. Have some tissue or a hanky
ready to clean his/her eyes and nose.
After the child has regained his/her constitution, help him/her to
get dressed again. You can let him/her apologize to you (or the
offended person, if different), and promise not to repeat the bad
behavior. This will strengthen the educational effect. Do not apologize
for having given the spanking. If you truly felt that such a punishment
was deserved, it was your responsibility to carry it out. You don't
want to undermine the deterrence factor by suggesting that you spanked
unfairly.
Let the spanking stand as the punishment for the offense, and do not
humiliate your child by mentioning the offense or its penalty in public.
The child has paid and the issue is settled. Fully reintegrate the child
to the family, and make sure all family members accept the punishment as
sufficient, so that they will reaccept the child as well. Do not tolerate
any further angry words (e.g. from your spouse) about the misbehavior.
The matter is to be considered closed.
Lotion
(Added Nov, 2003) Some readers recommend to put lotion on the child's
bottom after the spanking. Normally this shouldn't be necessary, and
parents might also argue that doing so is not pedagogically desirable.
Still, it will do no harm and, like the hug, it might help in showing
the child he/she is fully forgiven.
Recommended lotions are after-sun lotions and aloe-vera-based lotions -
generally, any lotion which is cooling and soothing.
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Last update: Mar-19-2005 |