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The Crackpots And These Golden Girls
Violet & Cinnamon
SCENE SIX
[Cut to Sophia wandering the White House halls.]
Sophia: I can't find anything to drink, I can't find a bathroom, what the hell kind of place is this, anyway?
[She sees a door marked "Press Room".]
Sophia: Press room, huh? I'll bet they have stuff to eat in there. I remember at Gil Kessler's press conference, there was fruit and cake and--
[Sophia opens the door and walks in on C.J.'s press conference. She sneaks along the side of the room and up onto the stage.]
C.J.: At the risk of repeating myself, I will not be answering more questions about last night's speech. The President will be making a statement this afternoon and--
[C.J. notices Sophia covers the microphone.]
C.J.: Um, who are you?
Sophia: Are you the hostess?
C.J.: Excuse me?
[C.J. makes a little "just a second" motion to the press.]
C.J.: Who are you?
[Sophia moves past C.J. and speaks into the microphone at the podium.]
Sophia: My name is Sophia Petrillo. I'd like a croissant and some water. You got any of that around?
C.J.: Listen, lady, I don't know who let you in here, but I'm kind of busy right now.
Sophia: Oh! Are you giving a press conference right now?
C.J. [annoyed]: Yeah.
Sophia: Why are you giving a press conference? Who the hell are you?
[A Secret Service agent steps up and drags Sophia off the stage. C.J. turns to face the press, and they all begin shouting questions to her about Sophia.]
C.J.: No more questions.
[C.J. storms out.]
--
SCENE SEVEN
[Cut to C.J., stalking toward Josh's office with Sophia in tow. Donna and Rose are visiting at Donna's desk. Josh is in his office, speed-reading through budget records. Half of Rose's homemade dessert is left on his desk.]
C.J. [yelling]: Joshua!
Josh: Claudia Jean! I have got such a sugar rush going right now –
[C.J. yanks Sophia into the room.]
Sophia: Hey! That's no way to treat a senior citizen!
C.J.: Are you responsible for this wizened little witch?
Josh: Well, I don't know that I'm really responsible for her. I mean, clearly she's over 18.
C.J. [outraged]: She ruined my briefing, Josh! She decimated it! She incited the White House press corps to a height of madness I've never seen before!
Josh: So I guess Social Security won't be the headline?
C.J.: You think this is funny?
Josh: Yeah, a little.
C.J.[miserably]: Danny Concannon asked me if the President was making her the new Surgeon General.
Josh: C.J. Do yourself a favor. Try a bit of this... Honey Glazed Rice Krispie Log thing.
C.J.: Josh!
Josh: Just try it.
[C.J. takes a small piece of the confection and nibbles it.]
C.J.: Oh my God.
Josh: I know.
C.J.: No, really, this is a serious problem. [She takes another bite.] Oh my God.
Josh: I know!
Sophia: I'm being falsely accused. This is America! I know my rights! I want to speak to the President!
Josh: That's not gonna happen, Mrs. Petrillo.
Sophia: I'm an American citizen. I vote. I deserve to talk to the man in charge!
Josh: Hey, Lunatic Lady! Trust me when I tell you that there's absolutely *no* way that you're going to see the President!
[Suddenly, PRESIDENT JOSIAH BARTLET appears in Josh's doorway.]
Bartlet: Hey, Josh.
[C.J., Josh, and Sophia stare at him.]
Josh [taken off-guard]: Hello, Mr. President.
Bartlet: How are you, C.J.?
C.J.: Well, I'd like this day to be over pretty bad.
Bartlet: Who's your friend?
Josh [sighing]: This is Sophia Petrillo. She's a friend of Donna's grandmother Rose, who's out there. I assume her other buddies are around here somewhere.
C.J.: There are *more* of them?
Bartlet [greeting Sophia]: How are you?
Sophia: I'm doing all right for an eighty year old woman who just got dragged around by armed guards!
Bartlet: Would you like to take a walk with me?
Sophia [with a triumphant glance at Josh]: Sure!
--
SCENE EIGHT
[Cut to Bartlet walking down the hall with Sophia and Rose.]
Bartlet: So you both live in Miami.
Rose: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: And you're Sicilian, Sophia? And Rose is from Minnesota?
Sophia: Yes, that's right.
Bartlet: And do you both have health insurance?
Sophia: What does it look like? I'm on Medicare.
Bartlet: Do you believe that it's more important to save Social Security than to maintain a balanced budget for the next decade?
Sophia: I've had a stroke, heart surgery, and three hip operations. If I can't count on Social Security, you want me to get a job loading delivery trucks?
Bartlet [chuckles]: I agree with you. Apparently, most of Congress doesn't, even though when elections roll around they love to talk about how they're going to help the elderly.
Rose: Some of those politicians will say anything to get elected. I remember when I was a little girl, back in St. Olaf, when Thor Strottlebiggen was running for the state Senate against Mimi....
Bartlet [fascinated]: You had a woman candidate in your hometown? That's something to be proud of.
Rose: Oh, Mimi wasn't a woman; she was a cow!
Bartlet: A cow?
Rose: She was the favorite in the election, although some people didn't agree with her policies on vegetarianism.
[Dorothy comes up the hallway behind them.]
Dorothy: Girls, you'll never guess what I.... [Rose, Sophia, and Bartlet turn around. Dorothy freezes.]
Sophia: President Bartlet, this is my daughter, Dorothy Zbornak.
Bartlet: It's very nice to meet you.
[Dorothy, in shock, nods vaguely.]
Bartlet: Your mother's been telling me about you. You're a teacher?
[Dorothy nods again.]
Bartlet: She also said you've been very much involved in Democratic politics all your life.
[Dorothy nods again, practically catatonic. Bartlet shrugs as Leo walks up.]
Leo: Mr. President, could I have a moment of your time?
Bartlet: Of course, Leo. Ladies, you'll excuse me for a few minutes?
[Dorothy does her little nod again.]
Rose: Of course we will, sir! It's been an honor talking to you.
Bartlet [to Sophia, affectionately]: And you, don't sneak into any more press conferences.
Sophia: Fair enough. [As Bartlet and Leo walk away, Sophia pinches Dorothy on the arm.]
Dorothy [distantly]: That was Jed Bartlet. President Jed Bartlet.
Sophia: My daughter, the ace detective.
--
SCENE NINE
[Cut to the President and Leo, going into Leo's office.]
Bartlet: I can't tell if that Zbornak woman is boring or just rude, but she's one or the other.
Leo: I'm sorry to hear that, sir.
Bartlet: Cute little old mother, though.
Leo: Yeah, 24 reporters in the Press Room think she's adorable.
Bartlet: C.J. isn't so crazy about her. What do you need?
Leo: Blanche, Mrs. Petrillo's other friend. I used to date her, back before I met you.
Bartlet: When you were still in school down South?
Leo: Yeah.
Bartlet: Seeing her again must have brought back some memories.
Leo: I broke off our relationship sort of abruptly. I'm having lunch with her in a few minutes.
Bartlet: Well, did you love her?
Leo: It was a long time ago. I just wish we'd ended things properly.
Bartlet: Well, Leo, it sounds to me like your relationship with Blanche was just a violet spark between the flicker of the light.
Leo: With all due respect, sir, what the hell are you talking about?
Bartlet: You know, Leo! When you get an electric shock, and you see a flash of violet light for just a second before you can see properly again?
Leo: I try to avoid getting electric shocks.
Bartlet: I'm saying, go to lunch. Tell her why you left her. Talk it out, you'll feel better.
Leo: Thank you, sir.
[As Leo walks away, Bartlet calls after him.]
Bartlet: Just a violet spark between the flicker of the light, Leo.
Leo [calling back]: If you say so, sir.
[Leo exits. Bartlet looks pleased with his good advice. Fade out]
--
SCENE TEN
[Fade up on Leo and Blanche, walking in the Mall together by the Reflecting Pool.]
Leo: So you married George Devereaux! I remember him. He was a nice guy.
Blanche: Yes, he really was a wonderful man.
Leo: I could've taken him.
Blanche: Oh, stop! [They laugh.] There's just one thing I still don't understand -- why did you stand me up that night, and then leave town so suddenly?
Leo: That night I met a girl named Jennifer Colby. She was visiting her cousin; she was in school up north. I met her at a lecture and right away I knew she was the one for me.
Blanche: So you changed schools to be with her?
Leo: Yes. We got married right after graduation. Right now we're separated.
Blanche [slightly flustered]: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Leo: Well, I'm sorry that your husband passed away.
Blanche: It's kind of you to say that. I --
[A passing roller-blader accidentally jostles Blanche and topples her into the pool.]
Blanche: UGH!
Leo [trying not to laugh]: Blanche, do you need a hand there?
Blanche: Avert your eyes, Leo McGarry!
Leo: Huh?
Blanche: I'm going to be climbing out of the water in wet, clingy clothes. Avert your eyes!
[Leo turns around politely as she clambers out of the water. Realizing she doesn't have a towel, she folds her arms around herself.]
Blanche: Oh... turn around.
Leo: Let me take you back to the office. We'll find you a towel, or something.
Blanche: I hope so. [She pauses.] Leo? If you fell in love with Jenny, and I fell in love with George, does that mean that you and I were never in love with each other to begin with?
Leo: I don't know, Blanche. Maybe it means our love was just a violet spark between the flicker of the light. [She looks at him. He shrugs.] Yeah, I don't know what it means either.
[She laughs and they walk away together.]
--
SCENE ELEVEN
[Cut to Toby and Dorothy, standing behind Sam and reading over his shoulder as he types.]
Toby: Sam, you're going to come to a verb soon, right?
Sam: Okay, you know what this is called?
Dorothy: Bad writing?
Sam: Imagery.
Toby: Well, you say potato.
Dorothy: Why do you keep talking about putting Social Security in a lockbox? You've said that four times already in three paragraphs.
Sam: It's symbolic!
Toby: It's the worst metaphor I've ever heard.
Sam: I know.
[Sam's secretary KATHY knocks on the door.]
Kathy: The President wants you in his office in five minutes.
Sam: Is there some kind of situation?
Kathy: No, he wants Ms. Zbornak to come too. I think he wants to toast everybody. [She walks out.]
Dorothy: The President wants to see *me* in the Oval Office!
Toby: I hope he's not loopy on back medication again. [He looks down at what Sam has just typed.] Honestly, anytime you want to use a verb would be fine with me.
[Cut to Josh and Donna in Josh's office.]
Josh: Why did you let her do that?!
Donna: I couldn't exactly stop her, Josh.
Josh: I can't believe you let your grandmother give the rest of that Maple Molasses Log thing away.
Donna: Take it up with the President, then. He wants us in his office in five minutes.
Josh: Well, before we go, I really did get you a birthday present.
Donna: Really?
Josh: In spite of the fact that you allowed the Honey Log to get away.
[Josh produces a box from a drawer in his desk and gives it to Donna. Inside is a small lamp shaped like a turtle.]
Donna: It's a turtle.
Josh: Donna Moss, mistress of the obvious. It's a turtle lamp. A *Galapogos* turtle lamp. And there's a card.
[Donna reads the card and bursts into tears.]
Donna: You know, you spend all day being a colossal pain in the –
Josh: Donna.
Donna: Neck. And then you go and write such a sweet card....
[She smiles and hugs him quickly.]
Josh: Better than scuba-diving, huh?
Donna: Don't push your luck.
[Cut to CJ, in her office with DANNY CONCANNON.]
Danny: So, the little old lady --
C.J.: Danny, aren't we past this already?
Danny: Did the Secret Service have a really hard time overpowering her? [She rolls her eyes.] Inquiring minds want to know. The whole press corps, in fact --
C.J.: You're a rabble-rouser, you know that? You rouse rabbles. [She stands up and hustles him toward the door.] I have to go to the Oval Office.
Danny: Is there something going on I want to know about?
C.J.: No, it's the President being paternal and loving again.
Danny: I love it when he does that!
C.J.: And you're not invited.
Danny: You're no fun.
C.J.: I'm barrels of fun!
[C.J. closes the door behind them. Cut to the Oval Office, where Josh, Donna, Leo, Sam, Toby, C.J., Sophia, Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and the President are assembled.]
Bartlet [to Rose]: That Brown Sugar Crunchy Log – would you please stop on your way out and give Mrs. Landingham the recipe for that?
Rose: I'd be delighted to!
Bartlet: She won't let me eat it, though.
Rose: Why not?
Bartlet [conspiratorily]: Special diet. She withholds food from me.
[Across the room, Dorothy is talking to Sam and Josh.]
Dorothy: ...So, I said, "What does Joe have to say about this?" And he said, "Joe who?" And I said, "Jo' Mama!"
[Sam laughs. Toby shakes his head.]
Sam: Sarcasm's a scary thing in a woman of your age, Ms. Zbornak.
Dorothy: Oh, and what age is that?
Sam: Late twenties.
Dorothy: Attaboy.
Bartlet [walking behind his desk]: Can I have everyone's attention, please?
[They turn to him.]
Bartlet: First of all, I'd like to extend hearty birthday salutations to Donna. Happy birthday.
[Everyone applauds. Donna looks embarassed.]
Bartlet: It's been an unusual day, not that there are too many normal days around here. Toby, have you forgiven me yet for getting a little inventive during my speech last night? Please remember the name of the room we're in before you answer.
Toby: All is forgiven, sir.
Bartlet: I thought so. It's important sometimes, at the end of the day, to stop and think about things before we put them aside. C.J., I'm sorry your briefing went off-kilter today, and I'm sure Sophia is too.
Sophia: I guess so.
Bartlet: You can forgive her. Eventually, you'll look back and smile and realize it's a much smaller problem than whatever comes up next week. We look back at our days, at our weeks, at our lives. [He beams at Leo and Blanche, who smile meaningfully at each other.] We forgive the wrongs, and remember the little details with joy. We should remember to turn to one another to share that, and I'd like to thank these women for reminding me to touch base with the people who support me.
Sophia: Thanks, but, uh, I never voted for you!
Bartlet: Well, thanks for trying, but here I am anyway. I've learned something from you today; I think we all have. I'm thinking about friendship, and forgiveness, and how to carry those things from our past, into our present, toward our future.
Josh [holding up a glass]: Hear, hear!
[They toast. Pull back to an overhead shot of everyone in the room enjoying each other's company, and then to an exterior shot of the White House at sunset before we fade to black.]
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