All characters belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Bros., & NBC. Title's from Paul Simon; inspiration's from Siobhan. Standard disclaimers apply. Please send feedback.
Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover
Violet
Just slip out the back, Jack...
1. Tell Lisa happily that you're going to New Hampshire.
2. She will tell you you're not; insist that you are. Continue doing that in the face of everything she says.
3. She will call you a vicious name and stalk into the bedroom, slamming the door. Step back before it hits you in the face.
4. Sleep badly on the couch.
5. Wake up in the morning. She will have made coffee. She will smile her sweetest and quietly apologize for losing her temper. You will be halfway wrapped around her finger again when Josh Lyman knocks on your door, bringing a brilliant grin and a suitcase.
6. Tell yourself, no, it's in your imagination, Lisa didn't really hiss at him.
7. She will throw some shirts, some pants at you. Catch them. Put them in the suitcase. Grab a few pairs of your shorts. Bring a sweater; it's cold in New Hampshire.
8. Tell her you'll call her when you get there. Tell her you love her. Tell her you're sure you can work this out. Doubt, for the first time, that any of those things are true.
9. Hurry, because Josh is holding the elevator and he's double-parked.
10. Do not cry until the car is on the highway.
Make a new plan, Stan...
1. Be less than meticulous about birth control, even though you're a grown woman and you know better.
2. Don't tell Toby about the pregnancy, because maybe if you pretend it's not happening, it's not happening.
3. Lose the baby.
4. Do not apologize for the fact that you never wanted a child. Remind him that he didn't want one either. Get out of the hospital and go back to work, insisting that your life hasn't changed.
5. Spend half the time you have together fighting. Start to hate his eloquence. Refuse to understand why he's angry with you. Refuse to understand why you're angry with yourself.
6. Take your wedding ring off for a bath one night, and forget to put it on the next day. Feel guilty about the way you're enjoying the lightness of your left hand.
7. Win a Congressional election.
8. Let a passionate argument turn into poisonous silence in a public place on New Year's Eve. Restrain yourself from tearing his heart out.
9. Walk around your apartment, tossing random possessions in a bag. Toby will follow you, chastising you, begging you to stay. Leave with your gum and your favorite shoes and your lawyer's phone number, but without your watch, or your ring.
10. Give yourself plenty of time to reassemble your broken heart.
You don't need to be coy, Roy...
1. Stand still in your bathroom for an hour on your thirty-fifth birthday, looking at your reflection and feeling twice your age.
2. Sit down to the breakfast with Luke, wondering why you feel lost.
3. Read books and magazine articles about putting spice back into your relationship. Try a few of them, hoping not to embarrass yourself.
4. Discover that chocolate syrup is hard to get out of white sheets.
5. Have more sex with him than you've done since you first moved in together. Tremble in his arms. Scream his name. You won't fall asleep afterwards.
6. Call Toby Ziegler long distance on a Saturday afternoon. You will wonder why he's known you for five years, but is incapable of remembering your boyfriend's name.
7. Remember that you'd just turned thirty when you met Luke, that you were lonely and doubted yourself. Notice that the political experience you've gained since then has made you infinitely more confident.
8. Realize how much Luke hates talking about politics.
9. Cry on the phone with almost everyone you know. Feel wretched, feel traitorous, but know that you have only one choice.
10. Tell him, truthfully, that you don't love him anymore.
Hop on the bus, Gus...
1. Start to read your bank statements closely. Realize how fast the money disappears.
2. Wonder about Dave's fellow medical students, beautiful women who were smart enough not to drop out of school for a man. Note that he doesn't exactly call you dumb, but he never stops praising their intelligence.
3. Hate your stupid job at the mall with every fiber of your being.
4. Your best friend has told you several dozen times that you're throwing yourself away. Start to hear her again.
5. Face the fairly convincing evidence that he is cheating on you.
6. Your lease is in his name. Stay with your best friend. Save your money; start taking care of yourself.
7. Drive to New Hampshire and volunteer to work for Josh Lyman. It will be both more difficult and more rewarding than you'd expected.
8. Dave will call you, crying. Remember how much you loved him. Remember all the reasons you thought he was The One. Go home.
9. Wreck your car, break your arm and spend too long sitting in a hospital waiting room. Come to your senses for a second time. Get your car back from the shop and leave.
10. Never look back again.
Just drop off the key, Lee...
1. Forget your wedding anniversary.
2. Spend the next day searching your mind and the minds of your employees for every possible romantic gesture, every imaginable way to ask forgiveness.
3. Damn the expense and order the Harry Winston choker, imagining how it will glitter on Jenny's throat. At the same time, entertain fantasies of killing various Congressmen.
4. A taxi will be parked in front of your house when you get home. Feel panic wash over you, and go in anyway.
5. Argue with your wife a tiny bit, but enough to say the most entirely wrong thing possible, even though it's true. Know it's your priorities, not hers, that are out of whack. Know that you won't change.
6. Understand that Margaret's calling your house to confirm your 9:00 meeting was an honest mistake. Swallow your anger; swallow your tears.
7. Offer to carry your wife's bag to the car. She will refuse. But she will leave.
8. Want a drink. Long for a drink. Lust after a drink.
9. Don't have a drink.
10. Take a deep breath, and get back to work.
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover...
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