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Lost
Violet
April 1996
Toby sat down in the chair by the bed. His voice was flat, a few degrees cooler than usual. "So," he said.
Andrea sat up a little straighter against the pillow. Her voice was weary and a little timid. "So."
"So."
She looked at her husband. "Could we please stop saying that?"
"Yeah." He rubbed his forehead with one hand. "So, you lost the baby."
"I miscarried. Yes."
"Are you all right?"
"I'm tired," she said uncertainly. "But yes, I'm all right."
"God, Andi."
"I know."
Toby looked at the floor. "I didn't. I didn't know."
"Honey--"
"I didn't know there was a baby."
Andrea sighed. "I saw that coming."
"How could you not tell me?" he asked sharply.
"I only knew for a few weeks," she told him. "You were up in New York, and I was busy here, and--"
He cut her off. "How could you not tell me?"
"I guess I wasn't ready to talk about it."
"You weren't -- how long were you going to wait?"
"I don't know."
"Were you taking care of yourself? Have you been eating?"
"Pretty much. You know how it gets with the hours I work. I wasn't really ready to think about it, either."
"But you knew you were pregnant."
"Yes," she admitted.
"So you should have been thinking about it."
She was stung. "You're angry at me."
"No," he replied quickly. "I'm just -- I wish you'd told me."
"You couldn't have done anything, Toby."
"I would have made sure you were eating, for a start."
"I was eating, okay? Listen. It wasn't meant to be, that's all."
He scoffed. "You believe that?"
"You don't?" She ran a hand through her hair. "I'm not sure how I feel about children, but I know I'm not equipped to be a mother right now. I love my career, and you and I are spending half our time in different cities. It's just not what I want. Maybe not ever. And I shouldn't have to apologize for that, or explain it to you."
"Andi."
"Come on. We had this conversation when we got married."
"That was six years ago."
"You didn't want to talk about kids then. Neither did I. Are you saying you've changed your mind?"
"No."
"Well, then."
"But if I'd known...."
"You couldn't have done anything," she repeated. "And we weren't trying to do this. It was an accident. It was a mistake that happened. That's all."
His voice dropped, and he seemed to be struggling to keep himself under control. "That's all?"
"That's all," she said firmly. "We haven't really lost anything."
It took him a very long time to answer. Finally, he edged his chair a few inches closer to her side. "You're sure you feel all right?"
"Yes. But the doctor says I have to stay until the morning."
"Then I will, too."
"They might not let you do that."
"I'm staying." He loosened his tie.
She reached out and squeezed his hand quickly. "I'm glad. I think I'm going to try and sleep a little, okay?"
"Yeah. You should."
"Goodnight." She settled down under the blanket and closed her eyes.
He leaned back in his chair, wide awake as she slept.
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