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| 1:48 p.m. 2004-26-7 |
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**"It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. It didn't turn out the way you wanted it. Did it?" -The Wretched, Trent** O.k.. Upon advice from the person I trust most... maybe second most, but deifnitely top two, anyway.. I am spilling it. I make no gurantee that I will word thigns correctly, be coherent, or even accurate. I'm just gonna babble. THings are jsut gonna come out. And you get to deal with it. This is the chance you take for reading someone's emo journal. I've warned you. Enter at j00r own risk. O.k.. So yeah, I broke up with you. As much as we were going out, I said, I broke up with you. My intent, shock you into paying attention to me. I wanted you to say, "No." You were supposed to tell me that wasn't the way to do it and that you really did want me to be your girlfriend and that you loved me. But you told me I was right. You told me that we shouldn't be trying this. It just wasn't working. And I'm still blinking back the tears going, "What?" I didn't want to be right. I wanted you to explain to me that I was wrong. Maybe I should have left that in a p.s.. Maybe I shouldn't have been such a girl. Girls do that. Expect you to know what's going on. Expect you to know what we want without us telling you. I guess I was just living in a movie. I was throwing in a romantic plot twist. You know, the girl gets on the plane in a huff, but the hero chases after her because he really does lvoe her even though he treats her like shit and he's gonna change becuase he knows what's what now. Suddenly. But life isn't a cheesy movie. Someone new came along and I thought, "Wow. He likes me." And he did. And I told myself I liked him too. I todl him I was over you. I convinced myself I was over you. I said that technically I hadn't really heard form you in months, even though I'd just "broken up" with you. I justified it. I wanted to be happy for just a little while. I thought I could have a summer fling like a normal teenager and maybe you'd come to your senses when you were older and we'd try again. But then you found her. And I saw how perfectly it all fit. You two are so beautiful together. And I'm jsut so fucking goddamn jealous. I know I shouldn't. I know I fucked it up. But it was just one of those plot twists I didn't see coming. I'm so happy for you both. And I hate it so much too. Oh my masterpiece...  That's the closest I've coming to describing it. I wanted to save it for the Art Show, but it's out now. There it is. I wish... that... there was something I could do. The soultion is probably to talk to you, but I know how much that would hurt all of us. I mean, that's how we never worked out in the first place. I wanted to tell you everything about Tim. I never even expected you and I to last. "School Night" **"But I stand commited, to a love that came before you. And the fact that I adore you is just one of my truths."** And then I missed you so much when I didn't see you or didn't hear from you and my choice of colleges became my choice between you two. ONU 30 minutes away. Miami 4 hours closer. And it was so hard to be forgotten. I know you didn't mean it. Didn't realize it. Had other greater fears than upsetting me. But it still hurt. It still hurts. To realize how much I wanted what's happening now with not me. How much I cried. I just wanted to see you. The day of your play. THe day even Dutro couldn't make it and that should have given me some solace, but it didn't. I wanted to be there so badly and no one could pick up the goddamn phone to tell me a time. And you said the play was over and you were going to a hockey game and I hung up and I curled up and I cried for an hour and I cursed your goddamn name and I hated you so much that I loved you even more. And I thought that if I told you it was over you'd say no and fix things. But you said yes. And I went to the Rush that night looking for Dustin. Dustin was going to give me pot and I was thinking about how easy it would be to fool around with him just because I was tired of going unnoticed and unwanted and I didn't even care if it meant anything anymore because guys who meant something broke my heart. But Dustin never showed up and Jason did and we left and Julie said to me, "Oh my god, who was that guy hitting on you?" And I said, "What?" I had no idea. I thought he was just friendly. Maybe I am just crazy. I know I am just crazy. But I was intrigued. I e-mailed him when I got home and we talked and we tried things. And I pretended that he was better than you, but he was just substituting for you until you could get your act together. And I meant to talk to you more. Monitor your progress. But my time got consumed by him. And before I knew it you had fixed up and you were giving yourself to my best friend. "Reading your journal is like reading my soul." And I know I could never affect you that way. I know we are nothing alike. But it just hurts to realize how unperfect I am in comparison and how happy you two must be now and know in the back of my mind that I only want to tear that happiness apart and reclaim you. I want to destroy my best friend's happiness. My best friends' happiness. WHat kind of a fucking person am I? How horrible I am! And the more i htink about it that more I want it. And whenever I hear Christie speak of british boys my heart jumps and my mind slaps it like a nun with a ruler. Even if you both go your seperate ways for college, Ihave no business shimmying myself back into the picture. After this, what more could you want? Why the hell should there even be an after this. Your two are so perfect together. And I never want to see you parted, yet I only want to see you parted and I don't udnerstand how I can want both wholely mutually exclusive things at once. I 100% want both. ANd I don't understand it. And that's what tears me up inside. And that's why I hate it and fear it and am jealous of it and I love it with the whole of my heart, too. I love you both more than anything else in this world. I love you so much that it hurts me to fathom it. I love you you both so much I can't imagine ever moving on becuase how could I give anyone else what I give you? And how fair would it be to anyone else that I not give them what I give you? Dear, god. I'm fucked up.
Mood: Erupting |
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