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| Angel |
| "Maybe she's lonely." "Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is? To love someone who used to love you." ~the whirlwind~ "He's here...You can feel him." "Always could." |
| All I ever wanted was to fall in love. I don't pity the life I made for myself in Virginia; it made me strong. A whore spends most of her life with the wrong men. I thought my new life could be different, but I chose the wrong man - blinded by superficial magnificence. In our time together he was known as "the Scourge of Europe," but he has become the scourge of everything and anything. |
| I suppose I could go on and on about him, but it's simpler than that. He made promises to me and he broke them. Yes, he kept them for a long while, but even before his soul he started to waver from them, and I decided to play along, believing it was just a phase. One hundred and fifty years with someone is a long time, but I guess it wasn't long enough. No, in the early years I was everything to him - his lamb, the "definition of bliss," but now he denies even that much, taking away what little happiness I had held on to after he was cursed with that soul. Maybe I'm not supposed to love anything, but I loved him. God, I loved him because I believed he loved me; I loved him because he promised me the view, knew I cherished hats, and always tickled my body with goose feathers. Yes, I shunned him with that soul in his heart because I didn't understand, but then he came back and I took him back. If I hadn't loved him or even felt a little something then I would have killed him in China. I didn't, I couldn't, because even though that soul disgusted me I still needed him; I still wanted him. |
| The baby. He couldn't feed on that baby, saved it instead. The truth is if he hadn't fled with that baby in his arms I didn't know what I was going to do or say next. Maybe I would have finally broken down and cried in front of him, for him, the way Spike and Dru witnessed during his absence and my futile attempts to rid him of that filthy soul. But he left, taking the whirlwind with him. And that baby - now he and I have a baby. |
| When I saw him in Sunnydale I still wanted him to love me again, and The Master didn't interfere. No, but like a man, my boy found someone new - a Slayer, and he killed me for her. In the back, that hurt me more than the realization that he no longer wanted me; he was a coward. He still is except now he's a Champion Coward. He could kill me, but never could I kill him - it truly angered me, I was |
| upset with myself. And his name was the last word upon my lips. It wasn't even a special word because every woman who he has harmed has said that name in the same way - with weakness, disbelief, lost love, and realized despair. His name is almost as wickedly deceiving as his face. I know better than anyone... |
| And still when I was brought back I wanted him. I thought he could love me, with my human soul, but he didn't. Only when I was dying did he accept me and make promises to me, promises that I would never be alone again. To have me dying with a soul meant he finally had someone who could understand what he went through during those miserable wandering years, and he didn't want to give me up; he didn't want to brood alone. And I was happy because if dying meant he would love me again then I was willing to let go so he could catch me. I was afraid, I've always been afraid of death, but my boy was going to love me again. |
| Until I died and awoke without my soul. He was going to kill me again in the green house, to save me, but even he hesitated and I said his name the way I had said it before. Then it was my time to flee. |
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| Angel thinks his soul is good, he thinks he's redeeming, but he's only fooling himself. He judges who should be saved and if they should be saved. He judges who should and deserves to be loved. He could love me only when I was dying with my soul; once my soul was gone I became damaged goods again. He can't, he won't love me because I only remind him of everything dark he's trying to forget and make up for; it's why he doesn't want to love me. |
| But he can use me, toss me around, rip open my blouse whenever he likes, taste my blood, set me on fire, and screw me, all the while teasing me into believing that he will love me again. And never does he apologize for the way he treats me because I'm Darla, nothing more than the bad guy to him! The bad guy he can f**k. No, instead he tells me throwing me around seemed like the right thing to do at the time - wow, what a noble and champion apology that was - I really am the luckiest vampire girl in the whole world. I couldn't even give him perfect happiness! He tells me I'm "perfect despair," he tells me I damned him. Him! If he hadn't met me he never would have met his precious Buffy! Has he ever thanked me for that?! No, of course not, because all he can do is brood and judge. Guess Buffy really was just new, hm. Or what about |
| the "You have me and my women hiding in the luxury of a mineshaft" remark back in London! Forgetting who made him, forgetting that it is he who is mine. And I may enjoy playing rough, on occasion, but being thrown through glass doors without a sense of mutual playfulness or desire is not the way to treat a woman; I felt scared but still I gave in because I thought I had finally won him back. |
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