DBaby.page

My Baby

"Birth is always painful."

My little parasite, my darling boy, my little one...

Nature is cruel and treacherous, conniving even. In my vampire life I so fancy the blood of pretty streetwalkers and pregnant women. My taste tells of my past & my future. What a nasty little trick.

In my human life I avoided motherhood, even aborting at least two children before I gave them a real chance. After all, a whore is not destined to be a mother or is a mother destined to be a whore? Either way, I couldn't get rid of this one.

Everyone sees him (the baby) as Angel's child, Angel's son - yeah, yeah, I get it - I'm just the unfeeling thing that brought it into the world. Who cares about Darla, the mother of Angel's son. Perhaps, knocking me up is the last way Angel betrayed me, but I love my baby completely. I thought I would forget that love, but I haven't. Angel said I don't love anything and I agreed. I betrayed myself at that moment when I gave into his "insight," I played the docile female role. The truth is I loved Angel, but he's too stupid and blind to believe it, just like he doesn't believe that I can love Lindsey, or for that mater, that Lindsey is capable of loving me. Dru says we can love; Angel thinks one needs a soul to love. Maybe Elizabeth was right when she told him he knew nothing of love.

Lindsey says that no matter what they say they can't take away what I feel for my baby. I don't even know his name, but I still think of him, still love him, and I'm able to let him go because I know he's safe. I'm still afraid of myself with him and sometimes I cry - yeah, I cry - another dirty little secret. Since being cursed with that

filthy soul Angel hasn't cared about me - only when I was dying for the second time and only when I was carrying his child. And all I can think of is that our baby, our child, was born out of "perfect despair." That seems like the saddest thing in the world. Of course, Angel is too much of a coward to tell that to my baby. Would he ever tell my baby that he staked Mommy in the back? That he abandoned her so many times? That he could only love me when it was justified in his twisted, self-righteous soul? I hope he doesn't grow up to be like his daddy; it would be the final mockery of me, sacrilege, blasphemy, and I would truly be dead.

I came back wrong and though I should thank Angel for my baby, it's Lindsey I feel I should thank. If he hadn't brought me back my baby wouldn't exist. And yes, he is my baby. I carried him for nine moths, felt him kicking, breathing, and pounding until I thought I'd go insane; he was a part of me and I knew I didn't want to let him go. Then Angel takes all the credit and I'm treated as the "bad guy." My baby kept me company from loneliness, it's why he kicked so much, to let me know he was there for me. I meant it when I said the baby was the only good thing we did together. Still, I wonder if the baby hadn't been human if Angel would love it. And since Angel judges whom he thinks deserves to be loved and helped how can he ever completely love my baby?

Angel doesn't know what it was like for me, he never could imagine it, not that he'd even try because he saw what was inside me as his. My baby fed with me and I thought I wasn't nurturing him, but I was because just as he was telling me he was there for me, my baby knew I would be there for him, he knew I would love him before I did. And even though I know that he's safe I still feel that he isn't. And I resent them all touching my baby because they'll never see him as a part of me; they're just as blind and judgmental as Angel. I wonder if it was Wolfram & Hart that screwed me into being a mother or The Powers That Be. Or maybe it was Nature catching up with a woman who thought she could hide from motherhood. None of it seems important, anymore. I'm not even angry that my baby is a boy, I accept it, actually I'm thankful that my baby isn't a girl because then she'd already be damned in this cruel and dreadful world.

Sometimes I still dream of him on the ultrasound, and I was jealous that everyone else got to see - what did they ever do to earn the right to see my baby? Perhaps, it was then that I knew I would lose him, but a mother has to be strong for herself and her child.

I miss him, I miss my baby, but I don't miss Angel, not anymore. Just my baby. I don't even know his name. In a way it's better that way because then it's like I never had to let him go. Will he ever be told mine? The only one I know. I visit him in my dreams, or are they his dreams? We share a jasmine lullaby, we have the view to ourselves ~ untouched and serene; it's more that that, though, but it is only for us to know and feel, that jasmine lullaby I whisper in my sleep. He knows he doesn't have to kick to let me know he's there. He remembers who I am.