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| Lindsey |
| ~there may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer~* "Why haven't you kissed me? You've been dying for it?" "I didn't know you wanted me to..." "You could die here. Chances are you will...and you don't care?" "I care. I guess I just don't mind." "You're the only one who hasn't abandoned me." "And I never will." |
| All my life I've been killed by men. The Master killed me, Angel killed me, Lindsey killed me, my baby killed me. |
| If I was searching to fall in love then so was Lindsey, looking for that missing element in a life he chose for power and money; he never imagined he'd find that missing element at the very law firm that seemed to suck the soul right out of him. |
| Even though Lindsey has betrayed me I don't hate him. Even when he does all the wrong things he makes them seem right. |
| Lindsey is one of those people who Angel judges. Having a soul means making choices, but Angel didn't like the choices Lindsey made so sweetpea was deemed unworthy of help and redemption. The truth is Angel doesn't like to lose, and he knew Lindsey was winning. |
| I have to admit I was more than pleased that it was my boy who took Lindsey's hand from him, but Angel didn't have to bleed human flesh. Angel is a vampire - he can move faster and he's stronger. He could have snatched that scroll but he was angry, feeling that natural lust for violence; Angel wanted to cut off Lindsey's hand. That was his choice but, of course, Angel would never admit to the longing that made him choose the more darker thorned and bloody path. It was that innate darkness and it was a choice - his, and he can't hide from it. Angel's soul isn't as good and just as he parades it to be. |
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| Lindsey isn't completely evil, which is why he fascinates me so. Nor is he into redeeming; he's more of a , "I made a not so good choice, now I'm moving on, I won't make the same one." Gray. His soul's a pretty shade of gray. I suppose we're similar in that way, after I started feeling the soul they brought me back with. It hurt at first, like a cancer I wanted to claw out of me, but after a while I just decided to let it be, live the human life I was given without complaint or self-pity. Maybe even rebuild the life I made for myself the first time I was human - it was the only way I really knew. I wasn't going to sit and brood about my soul or the things I did as a vampire, maybe I'd cry but they were only tears, and maybe Angel envied me for my lacking desire to seek out redemption. I never wanted to keep living because I felt I had to make up for all the nasty things I did; I wanted to keep living because I didn't want to die. Or maybe that's why Angel envies Lindsey - because Lindsey is able to go on living with a self-tarnished soul that is still purer than Angel's. Still, even the grayest of souls can start to feel heavy. What also intrigues me even more about Lindsey is that he's in love with me, completely smitten, and there's nothing I can do to change his mind. I feed on little children, he'll look the other way but secretly be upset. |
| I was brought back and Lindsey was there from the very beginning, he even said the words. It's true he said them for himself, to prove himself, to show his dedication to Wolfram & Hart; he could have never imagined what he was sacrificing himself for that night, except that it had better been worth the loss. We simply connected to one |
| another; we both wanted to hurt Angel. But even as a decisive human I didn't realise his beehive firm was using me, until I found out I was dying. |
| I told Lindsey he couldn't understand, that he didn't have it in him, but the boy has so much in him it's unbearable. Unlike Angel, Lindsey wanted to understand me, tried to understand me. He doesn't judge me; he accepts me as just me, just Darla, with a soul, without a soul, vampire face, human face. He's there for me when I'm scared, bruised, bleeding, pounding, burned, broken, lonely, and he's never afraid of me. That pisses me off a bit, but Lindsey is my sanctuary. |
| His beating. I'm addicted to his beating, his soul, his love for me. I blame him for bringing me back, I blame him for bringing Dru, but I don't hate him. He makes promises and he doesn't break them. Yes, he brought Dru to sire me to spite Angel, but he also did it to save me. That was also out of selfishness, but he didn't want me to die, he didn't want to stop seeing me. Selfish or not, it doesn't matter because it took courage. It takes courage to watch the woman you love die only so she can be reborn but still be forever dead. I know Lindsey wished he could have sired me himself, so he did the next thing he could - enter Drusilla. Angel wouldn't sire me when I asked, but Lindsey had the courage to have me sired without my permission. Sometimes I wonder when it was Lindsey actually realized he was in love with me. And did I deliberately play the courting game with him in his office, during our plotting to unhinge Angel, because I was falling in love with him? Or did I just want someone to love me again, and he was quite easy? |
| Lindsey believes in soulmates - such a silly notion. He says I died again and again and was brought back because it was the only way I could find him and he could find me. Isn't that a disaster of beliefs for someone so grounded in the law to believe; that breaks all the laws, doesn't it? i think about all our little moments - the prelude, touching his plastic hand, the kiss in his office that he asked for before taking, the wine cellar mystery, the laugh in his face - that cruel heartless laugh that still haunts him. A defense mechanism to hide myself, well, from myself. He's pretty and smart, quick to understand that when I told him I was in love with him and laughed, I really meant I was in love with him. And I continue to lie to myself, and he's sweet enough to indulge my self-betrayal because he's foolish enough to believe that he can break the truth from me without the laughter or the roll of my eyes. |
| Maybe he can, maybe he has - Lindsey sees me, I don't know what he sees, but he sees something and he loves me. Did I really spare him for love or are my feelings towards him just as selfish as his sometimes are for me? He took care of me after the fire, brought me human blood (makes a girl want to swoon, if she could breathe that is). When I'm starving and pregnant Angel doesn't bring me human blood, in fact he lets me continue to starve, never mind the fact that I'm hauling his baby around all over town and South America. And Lindsey saved me like in one of those corny cliched romance novels; he punched Lilah at the Seventy-Five Year Review and kept me out of danger, always protecting me when everyone else wants me gone or out of their way. Not Lindsey, though, he always wants me in his way, even when things get complicated. And for that brief moment I looked into his eyes I almost believed in real soulmates, too; I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't, and damn him for not following after me. Maybe things would be different. |
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