Lindsey
...continued from the previous page
    Lindsey, my darling Lindsey...has those nastier urges, too. Jealousy, a temper - he wanted to know all the bruised details of my infamous night with Angel, and I did tell him. It wasn't enough, though. I didn't tell him to hurt him; I told him because in some perverse way I wanted him to help me. I thought he would hit me, but he didn't, though he must have wanted to. I thought maybe he could fix me, like all the other times before. He yelled and showed that he was indeed male, that he had all those unpleasant male traits of possessiveness, jealousy, and competition when it came to a single woman. So he went to claim some sort of vengeance on Angel because he couldn't bare the thought of his enemy touching me. Suddenly I had become the crossover limit in their constant little war. Everything was a mess and I didn't know how to fix it, I didn't have the enery to fix it so I left. Left Lindsey, left the city. Just left.
    Sometimes I wonder about his missing hand. Every time he looks at me does he think about it? Was there ever a time where I stirred pure hatred and revenge in him because of it? Am I a reminder of that loss? Sometimes I think he put all his passion into me because he could no longer give it to his music, not as completely as before, and he knew his job never truly deserved it. Was he trying to create something of me, something I could never be? Am I a strength for him or a weakness? I don't think I really ewanted to leave, not Lindsey, anyway. But I could never give him what he needed and wanted, at least I pretend that I can't because it's easier.
    I thought of siring him so many times, but I'm afraid he'll become another mistake. I don't want him to change, I don't want his heartbeat to go away because Dru is right, I miss mine. So I latch on to Lindsey's warmth.
    Maybe it's why I let him get so angry at me, why I let him yell at me, I could have easily snapped his neck and it was like he forgot what I was, I forgot what I was; I just wanted him to tell me it was okay. I wanted him to take me away and love me, but I was falling apart and I couldn't let him see me fall apart. He had already seen too much of me broken, more than I would have liked to share. And maybe I left because he closed the curtains, taking away the view, but no, my leaving was a choice. Anyway, I never completely explained to him how important the view was to me, and I can't expect him to know everything - he is only human. If I had been there when he returned I know he would have still loved me; I don't know why I can't let him.
    Angel told Lindsey once that sweetpea couldn't love me, that I couldn't love Lindsey. Angel was wrong; he's always wrong it seems. Lindsey loves me more than anyone, maybe it's his human soul. It's just that Angel says he can love because he has a soul, then why can't Angel love me? And if one needs a soul to love then why is it so impossible in Angel's mind for Lindsey to love me? Angel is jealous that Lindsey can and does love me. Angel doesn't want to love me, therefore, he doesn't want anyone else to love me. What good is being cursed with a soul if it's so very judgmental and self-righteous? I like Lindsey's soul - it's not afraid to make the wrong or the right choices.
    Lindsey is both my new saviour and my new tormentor. Loving me and leaving me no choice but to let him grow old and abandon me because I'm too scared to sire him because I don't want him to change; I don't want him to stop loving me. I want to be an independent woman and wreak all kinds of havoc without a man, but at the same time I want a man to love me. That's how it was with Angel; that's how it is with Lindsey. I like having someone keep me safe, I like being loved. It's easier for a man to fall in love because a man doesn't have to maintain an illusion of control; he's born with it. A woman has to balance her independence with being in love or the love will control her. So I act like I don't want a man in my life, I certainly don't need one - I didn't need one in Virginia and I never really needed to sire Angel. Lindsey is sometimes too easy to manipulate, though he's starting to learn my games; he makes me break all my own rules. Perhaps there's a fine line between wanting and needing. I do want one, though, I want a man in my life and that's my dirtiest secret of all. All of my torn beliefs and feelings used to revolve around Angel, but now all I want to hold on to is Lindsey. He's a little easier to control with him being human, but even he can tolerate my games and deliberate cruelty for only so long. Maybe he thinks I can fix him. I keep waiting for him to get tired of me, even thinking up ways to inspire it, but he doesn't, and that's the scariest thing of all.
    Being so independent yet dependent on someone else's love for you becomes exhausting. Lindsey told me he would never abandon me. I didn't believe him then,  not really, but I believe him now. That's why I have to abandon him first. I also know that if I ever return to that place I made up in my mind he'll be there, maybe over time it will be less painful...except that forever is never long enough; forever is a nasty crimson lie.