| Lorne - The Host |
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| "...you wanna save the girl, I can see why..." |
| That green-faced horned lounge singer - can't say I like him very much. All right, to be fair - although life is far from it, I know - I don't trust him. I guess he's okay. It's weird, really, a guy asks me to take my clothes off and there's no problem there. A guy asks me to sing and i'm hesitant. |
| Maybe I shouldn't have chosen such an obvious song - it left me pretty open, and it's not easy being so tough on the outside, at least, not anymore, not since they brought me back. Ill Wind was always one of my favorite songs. The only one i've ever sung in front of was The Master. Of course, if Lindsey asked me to sing for him I probably would - at least he wouldn't be trying to read me (rolling my eyes here), he tries to read me other ways. Maybe if we sang together the green guy could tell how I really feel, then I wouldn't be able to laugh in Lindsey's sweet face. I wouldn't be able to hide myself, but Lindsey isn't here right now. I don't know where he is; I don't even know where I am. |
| When I sang at Carritas, though, I felt, for the first time in four hundred years and before, I felt like me. Just me. You're just you. I felt the way I was supposed to feel if I had never ben a whore (it's funny, isn't it, how "Whore" and "woman" both begin with "w"), never been sired, never been anything more than me. Sounds kind of human angsty, doesn't it - then again, I was human when I sang. Sang my withering soul out. By then I had accepted my heartbeat, though it was still a stranger, but I wasn't ready to accept death. I was scared, one dirty little secret of mine is that I'm afraid almost all of the time. I mean, I keep it hidden away, locked inside under layers and layers of pretense and cruelty, but my entire life (lives) I've been afraid of loneliness. Or maybe I don't really know what I'm afraid of and Lindsey can tell me. |
| After I sang I felt slightly content, happy even, all those people and demons applauding me. There it was - my human soul out for everyone to see, for everyone to hear, for him, yet it was still mine. You know, my human soul wasn't so different from whatever it is vampires have wavering in them. Being brought back has made me remember a lot of things about myself, and the girl who died in 1609 isn't so different from the Darla now. That's my dirty little secret - I have more of those than I like to admit. No one sees that girl or Darla, and I don't understand because she's always right there, even when she's being strong. Strength has to be one of the most deceptive pretenses of all and it's a real baddie for a woman to maintain. Strength & love. To be weak is easy, but to be strong is absolutely exhausting...let me rest today, no one leaves me alone. Not Angel, not Lindsey, and now with the baby everyone wants a piece of Darla. Talk about trying to keep up with troubles that creep up all at once. |
| One thing I can say about the green guy is that he noticed me. When I was pregnant he noticed me. Angel didn't, not at first, and when he did it was only because the baby inside me wasn't going to be some sort of scourge. The green guy, though, he noticed me and my baby. I heard them talking, 'cause vampires have great hearing, I heard Angel ask how she was, and the green guy thought he was talking about me. He really should know better than that - he's read Angel countless times. Still, I have to say it - Angel wasn't talking about me. So I guess in a way Lorne or whatever his name is cared about me before any of them even decided they should care, and they only cared about the baby, not even that, what the baby meant and why it was. Isn't that nice? |
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