Chapter 340: Danny XXXII—Afraid
“Hey look over there,” Cecile said brightly, straightening in her seat, startling Danny with her enthusiasm. She pointed across the restaurant, “Isn’t that Alex and that other teammate of yours?”
Danny
smiled. Only Cecile would not know Mike Modano’s name. He supposed that should
make him feel a little more secure. At least he didn’t have a girlfriend who
eyed his teammates. A problem he knew weighed on many guys minds in the league.
“Sure,” Danny said, “That’s Alex and
“Aw,” Cecile said wistfully, her cheeks slightly pink. In fact her eyes sparkled as she looked at him. “I like Alex. He’s a sweetie.”
The pancake Danny had just swallowed stuck and rolled down his esophagus like a broken boulder of shattered rock. He coughed and took a swig of orange juice and squinted at Cecile with watery rimmed eyes. “What?” Alex? What did she know about Tangs? Why the hell did he suddenly feel nervous? What kind of interaction did they have with each other?
“You know him that well?” Danny gasped. Imagining with a panicked breast Alex taking her aside, whispering and hinting into her ear about the things her fiancée was up to. How could he have missed this! Well it wasn’t as if he were guilty of too much, just a stupid kiss, argh why couldn’t Alex just let it go!
Cecile shrugged one shoulder. “No not particularly.” She narrowed her eyes as she swirled a piece of pancake in syrup. “What’s wrong with you?”
Danny’s heart relaxed and all was well with the world. “But you like him huh? Heh, do you think he’s cuuuute?” He needled playfully with his words, hoping not to annoy her too much or put her on the defensive.
Cecile grinned in a coy way that just didn’t suit her, and in fact he had never seen on her. “Sure, he’s cute,” she said so bluntly his stomach almost heaved. “I mean, in a little brother sort of way, actually he’s older than me so big brother, but he gives me this little brother vibe.” Danny’s stomach relaxed, ah just in a brother way, yes all was well. “I mean Mr. Sakic had me drive him home the other day and we got to talking,” His stomach twisted. “And well he did most of the talking, but he’s so lively and funny, he seems like a clean, fun sort of guy.” His stomach relaxed. “Are you close with him at all? I never hear you talk about him much.”
Ah she’s just doing a girl thing and trying to set me up with friends she approves of. Nothing to worry about there. Dan smiled, “Sure, sure we’re close. He’s a good buddy. We’re not roomies or anything but he’s great to hang with.”
“Cool,” Cecile said. “Does he have a girlfriend or anything?”
Heh she’s thinking of double dates already. Cute.
“Nope, not that I know of, he’s real picky about girls.”
Cecile nodded. “I can see that, I mean he complained a lot about the brand of peanuts on the airplanes being old and not salty enough so I couldn’t see him just settling easy on a girl.”
Dan laughed. “Yeah, he’s like that I mean he even turned down a date with Penelope Cruz….” His voice died of and he felt his throat clamp shut but too late. Cecile’s wrinkled nose and narrowed eyes screamed that he was too late. Dammit!
“Penelope Cruz? Isn’t she dating… THE Penelope… Tom Cruise’s girlfriend?”
Yup I’d have to open my dumb trap to the Tom Cruise encyclopedia of the world! Dan laughed helplessly. “Uh… no…”
Cecile grinned. “Danny! Tell me! Did you guys meet Tom Cruise and you didn’t tell me?”
“Eh no we didn’t,” Dan said and he felt his cheeks burn. “Well just her and she seemed real interested in Tangs and he turned her down…”
“Well I should think so!” Cecile snapped. “She’s taken!”
Dan laughed. “Sure, babe.”
Cecile smiled. “You guys have the most interesting lives, you know?” Dan watched the glint of the ruby he had put on that finger, as she held her straw still, sipping on a smoothie. How many years to get that ring there? He didn’t want to think about it, the waiting the worry, and in a span of a few months finally they were at the very cusp of joining each other. Finally, he had her, finally she belonged to him.
Yes that ring looked nice there, better than the emerald he had looked for. The red was more passionate, more of a flag. He had won his prize, his blessing. It boggled his mind how she didn’t know what lay in store for her. Anything, everything, all the things he could do for her he would. Did she know that? Did she know that she would be the most over loved and pampered young wife there ever was? Did she know how good she had it?
“Eh our lives are okay.” Danny nodded solemnly.
He thought
about last night. Just him and her, at that tiny, dimly lit,
intimate restaurant. She had smiled at him so much,
she had clung to him as they watched the fireworks display illuminating the
night to ring in the New Year. Yes, at
Cecile smiled with her eyes, those bright eyes.
“Is anyone
home?” Dan asked as Cecile unlocked the front door to the
“Nope,” Cecile replied. She swung the door open and Gigi slammed into her legs, wagging her tail and whimpering. Cecile turned and disarmed the security system and then began to walk away. “Come on Gigi, let’s go out the back.” Danny followed Cecile as she let the puppy out into the backyard. Gigi pranced over the muddy snow and did her business. “Everyone’s at their appointments, hockey and… oh Jana started figure skating today as well. Isn’t that nice?”
“Figure skating?” Danny exclaimed and he couldn’t help grimacing. “But..” He thought of Jana’s fiery eyes, and pinched, fearless face. “But figure skating will ruin her disposition!”
Cecile frowned. “Now that’s the weirdest thing I ever heard, since when is figure skating bad for little girls, it’s gotta be better for her than hockey.” She immediately grimaced and put her fingers over her mouth. Oh yeah he bet she just realized what she just said.
Dan lifted his eyebrows and crossed his arms. “And what’s wrong with hockey?”
Cecile sighed. “Look its okay for you but for little girls? Come on Danny, Jana shouldn’t grow up to be a big, beefy tomboy, she would be better off learning elegance and style, she’s pretty enough. Why spoil it with a game she can’t expect to do much with as she gets older?”
“Oh elegance?” Danny snorted, “That’s just a nice way of saying ‘future anorexic’.”
Cecile rolled her eyes, “Danny we’re not her parents okay, I’m sure they know what they’re doing.”
“Oh parents never do,” Danny snapped, he couldn’t help the tone in his voice either. He thought of Jana swinging her arms in a cookie cutter machine of performance and expectation and it really, really broke his heart. The girl would be a little lady now, all of her personality erased. Another interesting person lost to the annals of society.
“Man, you’re snippy,” Cecile exclaimed and she whistled for the puppy. “What’s wrong Danny? Does it really bother you that much?” Gigi leaped into the kitchen and darted deep into the house. Cecile closed the door.
“No it’s none of my business,” Danny said glumly. “Forget it.”
Cecile’s mouth turned down at one corner, her eyes still sparkled but with concern, almost like a mother’s. “It’s really bugging you Danny, it’s obvious.” She wriggled out of her coat and she took it to the closet. “Danny bring me your coat.”
Danny walked slowly, almost half heartedly and he leaned against the wall near the coat closet. He looked at Cecile and she looked back at him. “Danny you really care about Jana that much? I mean you’re acting like I just told you that she had a terminal illness.”
She might as well have! He thought. “No I’m not,” he replied.
Cecile shook her head. “She’ll be fine, just fine.” Danny sighed and she came to him, looking him straight in the eye with a soft expression, an inviting one. She cast her eyes down, took hold of the zipper on his coat and slowly, she unzipped it, the noise loud and Danny watched the sparkle of the ring on her finger. She’s mine! He felt dizzy and lucky at the same time and then his felt his legs tremble just a little as his coat fell open. Just a coat, but the gesture, her unzipping it, felt so intimate, like so much more than she’d ever allowed him to feel.
When her cool hands slid into the shoulders to push it off Danny grabbed her and kissed her. He felt her arms around him, her fingers in his hair. He let her catch her breath. “Danny!” She gasped, “What?”
“Oh you know what you were doing!” Dan muttered and he kissed her, and he squeezed her close, soft pulse and breasts and just all of it muddling his brain. He kissed her throat, heard her breathe and whisper something he couldn’t understand, perhaps she was chiding him and telling him no, and he was naughty and he shouldn’t be, and they shouldn’t be oh where was self control?
As smooth as silk, she slipped out of his arms, left him cold and he heard her walking across the kitchen, opening that basement door, closing it, telling him that they shall proceed no further from that point. “Christ,” Dan muttered and he closed his eyes tightly, tasting her and feeling her in his blood.
He wasted no time and he crossed the kitchen and opened that door and down the stairs and he found her sitting on the bed her hands over her ears, slouched, whispering that damned God damned crucifix dangling and swinging, the beaded chain of it hanging from one of her hands. Praying again.
Danny inhaled slowly and exhaled feeling more angry than he ever had before. He hated God at that point, stealing Cecile from him, not allowing her to become close to him, chaining her to guilt, chaining her to convention, strangling her desire and will. The girl he loved still not yet a real woman, a hostage to righteousness. He sat next to her on the bed and she didn’t react to him. He held his breath.
Another trance then. He had seen her like that the first time on the river bank, praying and oblivious, hypnotized. She could fall into these praying trances, these ecstasies and he had hoped that she would grow out of them perhaps. He wondered if she could ever completely belong to him, or if one day she would just slip away from his grasp like a mermaid in a fairy tale, disappear, become something she always wondered she would.
He looked away from her; he didn’t want to see her like this, as long as she didn’t cut herself or harm herself. He listened to her. She prayed but he never heard anything resembling the Lord’s Prayer or a scripture. It’s as if she was holding a telephone conversation and he could only hear her end.
He imagined her as a nun. He didn’t suppose she would ever really disappear if she did become one. No, not his Cecile. Danny half grinned. No his Cecile would outmatch the rest of those penguin black and white sisters and she would find a way to make use of her position. He imagined her as the right hand of the Pope or saving starving children in countries that had no plumbing, becoming world renowned and politically important and those starving children would become fat and sing her praises.
And Danny knew he would sit on his living room couch and see her on television, lost from him, the world loving her and he hated the world and those god dammned starving children for stealing her away. And above all he hated God for letting those children starve in the first place so that they would need her. And none of that was fair because Dan saw her first, screw God!
“Cecile,” he said sharply.
Her whispers stopped but she remained in her position.
He took off his coat and dropped it on the bed. Danny kissed the side of her head and he wrapped his arms around her, he could feel her tense trembling body and she relaxed into his arms. He ran his fingers through her soft, thick hair. “Why are you so afraid of me?” He asked. And he knew he had asked her that before. He felt hurt and lost. Didn’t she trust him by now? She must know by now that he hadn’t been waiting all these years just to abandon her once he had her virginity. Even if they did sleep together, she had to know that he would never abandon her. And if she didn’t know all that by now, what did that mean about her feelings for him? “I would never force myself on you, have I ever tried to force you? What do you think I would do? Why do you think you have to go ask God to save you from me?”
Cecile turned in his arms and he felt chills as her lips touched his neck and her warm breath moistened it. She whispered. “No, Danny I’m not afraid of you.”
“Then who?” Dan asked.
Cecile pressed her cheek against his, her fingers found his and entwined. “Me.”
Dan’s eyes widened.
“It’s me, Danny,” she whispered. “I’m afraid of myself.”