Chapter 354: Danny XXXIV—On the Edge of Everything

Danny didn’t look at Alex as he pushed by him, he didn’t look at Patrick he could only feel the burning in his cheeks, on his palms, at the back of his neck and his thighs and everywhere. Guilt, lust, anger, he couldn’t separate which was which as it pounded in his temples and tore at his heart. Most of all, he felt fear, he felt alone.

Patrick had to have heard everything, if he answered the door so quickly for Alex there was no telling how long he had been standing at the kitchen, listening, his anger growing no doubt, rage growing. Did Michele say anything incriminating? Dan tried to think as he drove home, because like a coward he had just used Alex’s entrance as an excuse to get away from the situation. So now, he had to think carefully, had Michele said anything to him that Patrick would have heard as damning evidence of something improper?

No it was just me. Dan thought. It was just me and thank God for Alex coming when he did because I would have said and, done so much more. Me and my stupid mouth, what will Patrick do now? Will he tell Joe? Will he handle it on his own or tell the team? He knew there were consequences and they varied from team to team when it came to a pup tampering with a veteran’s wife.

And here I am, leaving her behind. Dan was overcome with so much nauseated guilt that he paced his living room with his hands over his ears. She only asked for a God Damn poem for Cecile, not for her. All the poor woman wanted to do was see a young couple happy and settled together, just to give herself some happiness and accomplishment and what did he do? He just moved beyond the edge of everything to destroy that special little understanding that had blossomed. Damn it even Cecile had warmed up to Michele finally!

Oh Cecile! Dan groaned. Why did she have to hang up on him like that? Why couldn’t she have just reciprocated with a quick, playful I love you and left it at that? If she had then he wouldn’t have gone to Michele in the first place. He closed his eyes.

“What do I do now?” He muttered. “I’m dead, I’m just, and I’m just dead.”

Dead and angry! Dan felt ready to punch his fist through a wall, yell at helpless things, kick things. He didn’t know what to do first. Sweating through his shirt he peeled off his coat and grabbed the phone, dialing the numbers and gritting his teeth. He knew whose fault it really was.

“Hello?”

“Jackie!” Dan snapped, “God dammit is that you?”

Mrs. Trepanier snorted. “What?”

“This is your fault!”

“What is my dear?” Jacquelyn said calmly.

“I’m in big shit with Patrick and it’s because of everything you put in my head about Mimi, dammit I don’t know what I’m going to do!” Dan moaned and he wanted her to apologize at least, or comfort him.

“Mon Dieu!” Jacquelyn gasped. “You didn’t sleep with her did you?”

“No,” Dan said quickly. “No but still, shit, you got me thinking about her all the time now, that shit you said about her loving me and everything and I think I got carried away and Patrick was listening and Alex interrupted everything but God knows what Patty’s gonna do now!”

“Shh, calm down,” Jacquelyn said coolly, “The main point is you did not sleep with her and as disappoin--- unnerving as that is, it is nothing and can easily be remedied yes?”

“I don’t know,” Dan said feeling dull and weak. He sat on his couch staring at the empty television screen. “I think, I think I may actually be falling for her or something, that’s the worst part.” He thought of Michele’s blue eyes, the bruises on her skin, her delicate body, the smile, her laugh, her goodness. He remembered how her skin felt against his lips, her mouth on his…

He heard Jacquelyn gasp, an intake sharp but not exactly horrified sounding. He frowned not believing he had actually said that out loud about Michele, feeling vulnerable and exposed now that he’d said it, but also he felt somewhat nervous. Cold air seemed to prickle his skin and he felt the hair rise on his arms. He felt as if Cecile’s eyes were suddenly in the room with him, appraising, angry, hurt, and betrayed.

“Are you really?” And there it was a warning flag in Dan’s soul. Jacquelyn sounded amused, as if she were stifling a giggle.

“NO!” Dan shouted. “No I’m not! I love Cecile but you whether you wanted to or not planted this Goddamn seed in my head and it’s growing into something I won’t let go any further OKAY? I love Cecile and don’t volunteer any more helpful information to me cause I don’t need it okay? My life is fucked up as it is and I don’t need anymore fucking women messing around with it! Got that?”

He really didn’t know if he were being paranoid about Mrs. Trepanier, and he probably was, but he needed to yell at something and he sure as hell wasn’t going to blame Cecile for any of this. He couldn’t believe how he had just betrayed her, how he would have done more.

“You’re the one who called me, yes?” Jacquelyn said without pause or emotional change. “But I can see there is problems with Cecile that’s why you’re looking at Mimi?”

“I said I’m not in love with Mimi and there’s nothing wrong with me and Cecile!”

“But I never mentioned, love, Daniel,” Jacquelyn replied calmly. “And as for Cecile, you’re just feeling guilty, a man can love two women, it happens all the time, and even if it isn’t love desire is so much easier and common. It is an old story.”

Dan closed his eyes and hung up the phone. “Cecile I’m so sorry,” he whispered and he rolled into a ball on the couch remembering how glistening with blue black light her hair had been that first time he had seen her, crumpled and crying on the grass on a summer day. If he were one to believe in omens, he would have worried then, knowing that the first time he met Cecile, he made her cry.

The phone rang later that night. When he picked it up, he felt his heart stop.

“Danny?”

“Cecile!” He wanted to yell at her suddenly and blame her for everything he let happen, for setting things in motion.

“Danny I’m so sorry for being so abrupt with you earlier today but the, ohhh the most, most, oh I can’t explain it but so much was going on and to put it short I lost Mitchell, and it’s my fault and Debbie didn’t blame me for it when she should have and it led to all this stuff going on and I feel so horrible one for losing Mitchell like that and then two for not being blamed for it, and then you call and I just, oh Danny I’m so sorry all you wanted to do was be cute and I just cut you off like that.” Cecile’s words fired like bullets and Dan felt even worse, felt his eyes water and he wanted Cecile in his arms right now, in his embrace and helpless and loving.

“I love you baby,” he whispered.

“I love you too!” Cecile said more as a declaration than as tenderness. “And I shouldn’t have been so mean, can you ever forgive me?”

“There’s nothing for you to forgive,” Dan murmured. “Look you were working and I should know better, especially seeing how serious the Sakic’s are about the people who work for them. I could have gotten you in trouble. Look, Cecile, I just want… I just…” His throat closed.

“You just?”

“I just want us to be together, as soon as possible, I want us to be married.”

“I do too Danny!” Cecile said. “I just need… well Mrs. Sakic said that she’d, she offered me help with everything but it kinda hurts, I mean without family.”

Dan thought about his mother, he had spoken with her shortly after the engagement and she had been so happy. She wanted to fly in as soon as possible to meet Cecile, and she had been angry with him for not telling her sooner about her. Dan didn’t invite his mom over just yet, because he hadn’t wanted Cecile to feel just that more isolated from her own mother but he knew his mom would adore her, and take care of her and be everything a mom could be. He swallowed and he wanted to ask Cecile but he didn’t. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, Danny its fine, I just need a little more time to get prepared and everything, I mean, well it stings now but I’m sure it’ll get better.”

When Cecile said goodnight and he turned off his light and closed his eyes to go to sleep, Dan thought to himself. Did she ask for a little more time? Time for what and from what? He didn’t trust that phrase anymore, and it terrified him, especially coming from her.