Chapter 441: Modo XX—The Same Thing All Along

And officially, Modano admitted that he gluttoned for punishment like a lovesick, tragically romantic goth teenager, he craved torturing himself. How else could he explain it? He’d promised to be there for Peter, to pay almost exclusive attention to Peter, to help him through this no doubt confusing time, and he’d felt content with that. Smiling shyly, Modano’s heart melted for him. Ah yes, he could take care of Peter, he felt this calling.

That lasted all of the time it lasted to go from the hotel to the team bus that would take them to the airport. On that bus, Peter opted for a seat next to Drury and Modano took an empty seat next to Joe Sakic who looked literally prickly with chin stubble, and emotionally with tired, narrowed, shadowed eyes. Almost instantly, Modano brimmed with a rush of concern and care. He wanted to take Joe’s warm hand in his own, press it and ask him what was wrong, and how he could fix it. Basically, his pulse still quickened at the sight and nearness of Joe.

Modano wanted to groan and bang his head against the back of the seat in front of him. Why? Why did everything have to be so hard for him? It seemed that he had a more than adequate replacement in Peter, so why would he continue to beat himself over wanting someone he couldn’t have. Yes, he understood that by now.

I have to be true to Peter, he deserves more than I got. I have to show myself better, I have to be strong. I have to realize that I can’t… have… Joe! And God he smelled good, not after shave, was it shampoo? Was it cologne? Mike knew he would go mad. He knew it.

“Mikey Mo word of advice to you,” Sakic said in a low voice, he didn’t sound irritated but he didn’t exactly sound jumping with joy either.

“Huh?” Modano asked peering at Joe who stretched and yawned.

Joe nodded, “Beer and pizza after eleven at night, not good, no matter what the old dog veterans used to do, or the rest of us in juniors. Okay?”

“Sure,” Modano nodded. And he knew instantly what Joe referred to here. Hell he remembered it almost every night when he roomed with Keaner. “Just tell Keanes to lay off, he’ll listen to ya. Just tell him you need to sleep, and you have a lot of things on your mind.”

Joe laughed mirthlessly. “Heh, yeah, well problem is Keane already thinks I have a lot on my mind, that’s why he’s always trying to get me to clear my mind.”

“Heh,” Modano replied. “Well, hell, just tell him to go to shut up and go to sleep or you’ll tell his wife to nag him to death for bugging his superiors.”

“His wife?” Joe asked and his eyes widened. “Wife?”

Modano smiled and see there the pain began, his chest hurt because he felt just so damn good to be on Joe’s good side, to be holding his interest, to be a real help to him. “Sure, Tammy can nag better than any woman since Eve, Mike’s actually afraid of her. Just tell him you’ll complain about him to Tammy, he’ll lay off fast enough.”

Shaking his head, Joe laughed and Mike wanted to hug him close and kiss him. And he felt like a piece of crap for doing that. “I’ll keep that in mind Mikey, I forgot about you being his teammate. I’ll keep you in mind, hahaa.”

At the airport, Mike tried to get close to Peter, but he couldn’t seem to even make eye contact with him. It frustrated him, it confused him. Previously it had never been this hard to get near to Peter; of course, he had to be purposely avoiding him. Great, how scared was Peter then? How inexperienced? Did he feel especially embarrassed now and afraid that he would be told on by him? Well he would need to get Peter alone and reassure him on everything, Modano’s blood rushed and he grinned inside, amongst other things.

Modano settled on the airplane near Dan Hinote and Alex Tanguay, both seemed to be embroiled in a most epic game of hangman complete with sighs, pinching of the chin, and pensive looks. Modano turned his head as he glanced at the notepad. What words could those letters form into?

“Are you sure you didn’t write it in French Tangs?” Hinote said in a mournful voice. “I mean I don’t know French.”

“Noo!” Alex said, miffed. “It’s in English. Why are you giving up? Do I win?”

“No one said I was giving up!” Hinote exclaimed. “Just give me some time.”

Mike laughed and stretched in his seat, looking at his hands. He liked Vancouver roadtrips, he would definitely find some time to go out today. After all, he still owed Brandi Blake a purse, and he might as well use the extra time today to make sure he got her the best one he could find for the poor woman with the strong goalie heart. Haha! Modano knew he would always look back fondly on that silly charity game, but then he had to wonder. It also reminded him of Peter’s ex girlfriend, and really how he couldn’t understand why she would have left him or why he would have transformed so suddenly to get rid of her.

Despite himself, Modano just didn’t trust that.

“All star game rosters are out,” Sakic barked abruptly.

Modano’s stomach zinged and he sat up straight, everyone else on the plane stopped what they were doing and leaned over seats and went silent. Mike had forgotten that the roster would be announced sometime around midnight last night. He looked at Sakic who held up the newspaper.

“Give it to us, Joey,” Keaner said gruffly.

“Well, we all know Peter’s going,” Joe said nodding towards Peter who grinned. “The good old fans voted Pete in, and Robbie’s been voted in if he’s healed by then, and we all knew Patty had nothing to worry about, you’ve been voted in. So it leaves for me to tell you, the rest of the roster aye?”

Of course Joe would be going, Modano thought and he felt himself nervous and wistful to be going as well. He wanted to make a good showing there and…

“Mikey Mo you’re set to go,” Joe said brightly. “You’ve been selected for centers. Congratulations Mikey Mo.”

“Hey good going,” Dan Hinote said cheerily and he patted him on the back. Modano felt warm and gratified, and even Alex Tanguay whispered his congratulations.

“Who else?”

Sakic cleared his throat and Modano noted how much older and world weary the stubble on his face made him look. It awoke within him again the protective loving instincts he’d thought he’d tossed last night. “Well, still the league’s leading goal scorer, not for long I might add, I’m only one behind you, Chris Drury is going for wingers.”

But what about Joe? Modano thought.

“And let’s not forget our young stars!” Sakic grinned. “Tiger, young stars game, go have fun!”

“Wooo!” Dan Hinote whooped and he and Alex exchanged high fives.

“And for some reason, Abby you’re going to the young stars game as well, you’ve only played what, like five games this whole season?” But Sakic winked at Aebischer as he spoke.

“Permission to flip off the captain,” Aebischer smiled with that odd purr of a voice he had.

“Granted,” Joe nodded.

Now with a boyish, brilliant blushing smile Aebischer winked as he shot Joe the middle finger. Now that seemed odd! Everyone laughed a little uncomfortably, when before had Joe approved of obscene hand gestures but Joe seemed to be laughing.

“It’s only because Patty won’t give his fat ass a rest,” Aebischer sniffed. “At least someone out there knows what I’m capable of.” He looked at his nails and smirked.

“You little shit I’ll play the next two weeks straight for that, show you!” Patty snipped, quickly turning red and crossing his arms.

“Oh I’m sure the team will be grateful for that,” Aebischer needled.

Before Patty could say anything else, Coach Hartley stood up and patted him on the shoulders. “Abby is playing Vancouver eh, Patty, there is no shame in a rest, okay?”

“Right so you’re going to Joe, huh?” Chris Drury said, raising his thick eyebrows.

“Actually it looks like they’re giving me a rest this year,” Sakic said and it took a moment for it to fully sink into Modano.

“What?” Mike exclaimed. “Joe, you’re not going?”

A murmur went through the plane.

“Well that’s stupid!” Chris Drury declared and he did look morally offended. “Why the hell would they pick me and not you?”

“Oh rub it in,” Joe said with a frown.

Mike couldn’t tell if Joe were still joking or not but Chris certainly blanched. “No that’s not what I meant captain I must meant that you should be going!”

“Heh heh I know,” Joe grinned, “Well it looks like I will get a nice vacation, so much for you losers.”

Everyone seemed to relax at that quip but Modano couldn’t. He felt bad, he really did. As far as he was concerned Joe should be there, and he didn’t like having a spot when Joe didn’t. It just made him feel, funny. Aw hell, I feel like crap.

The crappy feeling didn’t leave him either. They landed in Vancouver, it was a cold but clear day, and the city looked beautiful as ever. Usually just the sight of the city, just being in the airport gave Modano a light, carefree, elated feeling and he could see it on the faces of some of the other guys. But today he didn’t feel it. Too many things on the mind, or rather, too many of one thing.

The thing that bothered Modano really, and he thought about it more as he walked by himself through an upscale downtown, finding just the right store, was that he realized that he didn’t think he was in love with Peter. Did love have to be the most important thing when it came to some of these relationships? For some guys, no, but Modano really felt that had to be important. Now how strongly did Peter feel about him? He couldn’t tell, but he assumed that Peter just wouldn’t appreciate being tossed off.

“How about this color, sir,” the lady opened a box, pulling a deep colored, purse with the distinctive LV initials crossing its canvas. “It’s called Victoire Red, a new color; we just got this model in today. Any knowledgeable woman would be dying to have one like this. The first of its kind.”

Modano held the purse in his hands, a funny thing really; to him it felt just like a purse. But to a woman, a woman like Rob Blake’s wife, it was more than gold, it was status. He peered at it and then smiled. “Hey, I’ll be leaving town by tomorrow night, and I’m willing to pay extra, but is there anyway your people could have something real special, it’s small, but special be done with this purse by then?” He made sure to smile at the lady, and show her how much trust he had in her ability to please him. She blushed.

“Well, I can see what we can do. How small?”

Grinning, Modano held his two fingers together. “Just little, like that big.”

With his order put in, Modano went back to the hotel and the buzz of what he’d accomplished began to melt away, and his feet felt like lead. He realized, that he just was not in love with Peter and probably could never be. Sure, he thought Peter a hot specimen, a gorgeous man, and exciting man but he just didn’t feel that special zing that should be there when someone was in love.

How cruel would it be though, to get rid of him?

No I don’t want to; Modano shoved his hands in his pockets. I started this just as much as he did; I can’t just sissy out of it now. Who knows, this could be the beginning of something real good. Unfortunately he hadn’t had any time to get to Keaner, now that would have helped. Keanes always knew how to cheer someone up or make them see things from a fresher perspective.

Three weeks, or a month, how about I give it about a month and maybe I let him down easy. It wouldn’t be so bad then. Either I’ll be attached or I won’t be, or maybe he won’t be… or maybe he will. Modano pressed his hand over his stomach, he wanted dinner, but he felt somehow too nervous. It felt as if he were too nervous to eat.

If I just knew how to let him down without hurting him. And that made Modano feel even worse, because now he had to wonder, if Brett had gone through the same thing, all along.