A/N: None of this is true. This is a work of fiction.

And Jad! *pounces*

Chapter 478: Tangers XLV--Penny

Okay it's embarrassing to admit to you that the entire team, and I mean all of us were crying and hanging onto each other like a group of sniffling babies. I mean I know as I wept on someone's shoulder, I also kept thinking that even though Keaner had really overstepped the boundaries of good taste, and it was sad that for some reason everyone else felt the need to cry, why was I crying? Why was anyone crying? It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that we were all being blubbering sissies for apparently no reason at all.

Oh of course Joey was okay, I mean he's the epitome of somber leadership and I noticed that he and Kirk Muller up and left us too. And I didn't blame them one bit! I mean if you were a serious veteran in that locker room would you want to bother with a bunch of blubbering pansies like us? And Keaner, Mon Dieu, I didn't think the man even had tear ducts for all of the needless pain and suffering he could inflict with such glee on a hapless hockey player.

Well not long after Joey and Muller left we got our answer in the form of a team of guys in yellow suits and masks storming into the locker room. "Are all of you insane?" One of the men yelled, "Why aren't you answering the phone, there's a chemical leak in here, we have to evacuate the building!"

"But I love Footie," Patty sniffled to the man who'd yelled.

The man stood for a moment looking at Patty and then he looked around the room. "Get the stretchers and masks in here, it looks like they've been sucking up the fumes!"

"My men can walk," Coach Hartley said indignantly, "We have a game tonight they don't need stretchers."

"Just get them out of here!" One of the men in yellow barked.

So we filed out of the practice facility into a world of fire trucks, news reporters and ambulances. "But I have to pick up Penelope Cruz at the airport in a few hours!" I protested as they sat me in the back of an ambulance and strapped an oxygen mask around my face.

"Yeah, yeah," the paramedic said, "And I have Julia Roberts waiting for me at home."

"Oof!"
Things didn't turn out too bad, however, because the more oxygen I sucked in the better and calmer I felt. I began wandering around the emergency room where they'd sent all of us checking up on all the guys and learning from reporters exactly what had happened. A gas or a chemical leak seemed to be the diagnosis so far, but no one could really tell me the real details of it. The good news is, everyone else in the facility had been evacuated before real harm came to them, and us hockey players were the only nicompoops how lingered inside. Really that was only a difference of five minutes, but sucking up those fumes for five minutes really did a number on us!

Everyone seemed pretty good though, and even though Coach Hartley got a call from Papa Lacroix that the NHL and the Canucks were quite willing to postpone the game until tomorrow morning, by the way Robbie was playing pranks on an aggravated boxer with two broken legs in recovery room number four, Coach said that we would be more than ready to play tonight. The doctors were not happy with that decision and refused to check any of us out but that wasn't hard to get around. One by one by one, as Patty threw an extreme hissy fit with the entire medical staff about the improper treatment he'd been receiving in not getting a private room and five star room service, we slipped out of the hospital.

"Wow that was a real smart move, Coach," Mike Modano said to Bob. "That's classic, putting Patty up to that hissy fit to get us all out."

I nodded in agreement.

Coach Hartley frowned, "I never did that, I thought you guys did that."

We all exchanged glances. "Did anyone set Patty up to pull the hissy fit?"

A moment of silence came over us and some of us shuffled on our feet. And then all of us began to laugh. "Poor Patty," Blakie said, "I hope that's the fumes talking."

We paused, "I doubt it," Chris Drury muttered loud enough for all of us to hear.

And we laughed some more.

By the time I got home, it was in enough time to shower, and then stop by a flower store for the most expensive bouquet of roses I could find. I would not be able to get the perfect gift I had wanted for Penelope but there was nothing I could do about that now. From the flower store I went straight to the airport, clutching the paper with all of her arrival information in my hand.

As I waited for her, I did get noticed by a few people, a couple of giggling girls and a a guy who wanted to know if we'd be playing tonight. I told them we would be, and then smiled politely at their jokes about being high from the fumes. Apparently this was big news right now. I couldn't deny that I was feeling a little nauseated and my only hope for tonight was not puking on Penelope and not puking on national television. I had a feeling the other guys probably felt the same way.

Finally, the flight came in, the plane emptied and there she was. My heart froze when I saw her, those huge dark eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful honey colored skin and her long tangled hair. I almost thought about hiding behind the roses and running away from her so she could go and find the prince she deserved! But before I could do that, she spotted me and the happiness on her face reminded me yet again that someone upstairs had decided to bless me. "Alex!" She cried. "Roses! How beautiful!" She ran to me and I just remained frozen in place until I felt her skinny arms over my shoulders and her lips on my own.

"I know they're not as pretty as you but..." I began.

Penelope laughed. "No one is pretty as me yes? But we shall not hold it against the roses." She winked and I watched her, enraptured as she took the roses from me and inhaled their fragrance. If I had a camera right there I would have taken the most perfect shot in the world. As it happened, however, there was a group of people with cameras snapping away, and I found myself wondering how the paparazzi had already located her and zoomed in. "Oh Alex, they are beautiful, they smell perfect, I shall be sad when they wilt."

"Aww, hey Penelope, lets get your luggage okay? I'll carry it for you."

"Pssht," Penelope tutted with a quick wrinkle of her pretty nose. "I make last minute decision to come here, I have no luggage except my purse. I shall shop down town tomorrow. And you will go with me."

"Okay," I said and my mind wondered how the paparazzi knew about her last minute decision. They must be pretty good.

As we began to leave, excused myself and ran to the men with cameras, "Hey you guys, if you got a good picture of smelling her roses, can you please just sell me the print okay? I can pay for it! Thanks!"

One of the cameramen laughed but another one said, "Sure thing Alex Tanguay."

The paparazzi knew my name! I had to admit I found that kind of exciting, not that I'm the type who goes out looking for a lot of attention but that did feel kind of neat. Some of that novelty wore off immediately as we left the airport because the cameramen were always behind us or at our sides and sometimes in front of us snapping pictures. Really how many shots of the same moment did they need? "Just ignore them," Penelope said seemingly without moving her pretty lips.

It was kind of hard, because they kept asking me questions like in a friendly way, how old was I, how long have Penelope and I been dating, Penelope where was Tom, is it true you left Tom because this and that. The way I was brought up when someone asked a question you answered it so whenever one of them would say something, I would have to fight so hard the urge to answer back. By the time we got to the car I felt paranoid and exhausted, "Wow that was weird!" I said.

"And I am not even Nicole Keed-man," Penelope said with a wry smile, "Now that would be a greater nightmare. Now I am hungry, Alex and I am tired."

My heart quavered, "Um, Penelope, I have to get to the Pepsi Center to get ready for the game, is that okay with you? I got you a luxury suite seat with the Captain's wife, they're real comfortable, and there is lots of food, I'm sorry I can't bring you home just yet."

"Oh!" Penelope exclaimed. "Is alright, alright. Fantastico! Don't worry Alex, yes? I'll be fine." She yawned. "I know you have important things to be doing, and I shall like to meet the captain's wife. Is she nice?"

"Oh she's the nicest!" I said. "You'll love her and she'll love you. Her name is Debbie, Debbie Sakic."

"Debbie is a Hebrew name," Penelope yawned. "Debbies are nice."

At least Penelope seemed impressed with the Pepsi Center, she thought the entire thing from the outside was pretty, and I had only enough time to quickly walk her through the center and then deliver her to the star struck concierge with orders to introduce her to Stan Kroenke and maybe Papa Lacroix, and to make sure she was comfortable. "You're in good hands, Penny," I said. "I have to get downstairs now, I'm running late!"

Penelope giggled. "I like Penny!" And then she grabbed my cheeks and kissed me.

Oh sweet heavens!

So with a heart of golden happiness I pranced downstairs and made my way into the locker room. "Is everyone ready for this game?" I declared. "Because I am ready to take the world!" Everyone in the locker room seemed to be in good health and spirits too! Even Patty looked okay, considering the hissy he'd thrown in the ER and Peter Forsberg leaned against a wall in street clothes, just hanging with the guys no doubt. I wonder if Joe gave him permission. Where was Joe anyway?

"Still running on fumes Tangs?" Dan Hinote grinned.

"Better, PENELOPE!" I bragged.

"You better boink her this time," Mike Keane said gruffly, pointing.

"Why so the dead puppies can finally be put to rest in your mind?" I snapped. No one was going to make light of me and Penelope, No ONE!

Keane's eyes widened. "That was a dirty thing to say..." his voice kinda cracked. "A dirty thing."

"And the lambs wouldn't stop screaming!" Derek Morris shrieked.

"Shut up you!" Keane barked.

"Aw I'm sorry, Mike," I said feeling bad now. I patted him on the shoulder and he suddenly hugged me tight.

"It was horrible kid, you just don't understand!"

I patted him, "There, there..."

"Hey as far as I'm concerned you're still jinxed!" Joe Sakic exclaimed, entering the locker room, "And I know we're late, DEAL WITH IT!" Kirk Muller stood at his elbow, grinning.

"I'm still jinxed?" Keane said meekly.

Joe shrugged. "Eh it wore off, you're not jinxed anymore. And Peter what the hell are you doing in here. Are you playing?"

"Hooray!" Patty cried.

From there, Joe commenced a scathing lecture to all of us for our humiliating behavior in the practice facility. I never felt so insignificant and useless and I felt so ashamed of myself. I never heard Joe before talk with this much venom, even his eyes seemed to glow with anger and I wondered if this is a side of himself that Joe tried to bury from us. Now he felt it necessary to unleash, and his voice got deeper and louder, and more abrasive and I began to feel attacked. I mean really, we didn't deserve this much abuse!

"But Joe!" I cried. "It's not our fault!"

Joe sat down on a bench and squinted, "What?"

I nodded, well if no one else on the team was brave enough to stand up for truth, it had to be me. "There was some sort of chemical leak at the facility. It was the fumes that made us all cry, we were a little high on the fumes Joe."

Danny and a couple of other guys nodded in agreement and put in a few words. I felt proud of them.

Joe kept squinting. "Fumes? I didn't smell any fumes."

"They were odorless or something," Dan Hinote said. "There were fumes though, Captain, the medics even took us to the hospital."

Joe rolled his eyes. "I don't believe it. You guys are just making excuses."

"But nooo!" I cried. "Joe, would I lie to you? It's the fumes!"

Joe wrinkled his nose. "Eh I don't trust you anymore, Tiger. Not since you dyed your hair blue and started hanging Hollywood."

"JOE!" I gasped. "You dyed my hair blue, not me! You did it!"

"I don't remember doing it," Joe said and then he belched. I didn't even know Joe knew how to belch. That was my first clue that something was wrong. "If I don't remember doing it then it didn't happen." What kind of reasoning was that?

Adam Foote nodded, "You know if Captain says it didn't happen then it didn't happen, you know like man walking on the moon, the legend of Wayne Gretzky and Foppa losing his spleen."

Joe nodded his agreement to that statement and Forsberg stepped forward, widening his eyes. "But Joe, I did lose my spleen!"

"PBBBBTH," Joe replied. "You're just scared of getting hit." And he hiccupped.

"He's drunk," Chris Drury muttered into my ear. "Can't you smell it."

To my horror, I could indeed smell it, that sour unforgivable smell of too much liquor on the breath.

Unfortunately, with his inebriation dullness of the senses didn't come as well and Joe looked straight at me and Drury. "What did you say Chris?"

"Nothing!" Drury said quickly. "I didn't say anything."

"If I want you to say something about me you'd better tell me, and I mean tell it to my ear! You hear!" Joe drawled.

Drury and I gulped.

"Now!" Joe barked. "Chris you come here sit on my lap and you call me, Momma."

"What?" Drury squeaked and I covered my mouth.

"You heard me! Sit...on...my...lap and you call me MOMMA!"

Well talk about awkward situations......