Chapter 312: Tangers XXVII—Igor the Spider

It was depressing losing like that. We didn’t even score a goal for Aebi, and what’s more we didn’t even play as if we tried. I could see how bad we were but like a bad dream or something, I couldn’t stop it. My muscles and tummy were still sore from Christmas and it was like being helpless. Funny coming from a hockey player isn’t it?

Still, I think Joe was more irritated by the whole thing than I was. He was really quiet after the game, and then he stood up and said that if we play like that again in front of our goalie then we should all just never get out of bed in the morning, because we were useless. Joe said this. JOE! I mean words like that coming from our Captain was enough to make anyone cry!

I was almost too scared to talk to Joe after the game and I was quiet on the bus and on our way up to the hotel room. At least we were gonna get a good night’s sleep before flying out of town, maybe things would be better in the morning. No one would be in a bad mood, and then Patty could bring in his Smittens to save the day. Yes, I have to admit sometimes I had just as much faith in Patty’s superstitious remedies as he did. Not that I assumed any real magical powers upon his fixations, just that if he believed in something, well he would play better that way.

That night as Joe watched TV I lay in bed with my hands over my tummy. I was hungry, I didn’t know if Joe would be bothered by me ordering room service though because he had been telling me for the last ten minutes about how fat he knew he would be getting cause of the Christmas pies. At least I had the benefit of a fast metabolism so I didn’t worry about the calories in my system like the other guys did, but ooo Joe had done a number on himself with those pies.

“Was that your tummy growling, Kid?” Joe asked out of the blue.

I felt my cheeks redden. “Nope,” I lied. “Maybe it’s yours.”

Joe laughed. “Sure, it’s mine…”

My tummy roared this time.

“Hey!” Joe said with a big smile and I felt heartened to see him happy again so I smiled back. “You’re hungry! How can you be hungry you just ate like two hours ago!”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Maybe it’s just the way I am.”

“Ugh I don’t see how,” Joe groaned and he pulled up his shirt revealing his hairy torso and he poked at his muscled abs, “In a week or so you’re gonna see a line of flab hanging just so. It’s not gonna be pretty. The fruits of gluttony, Alex, remember that.”

I nodded.

“So what’s up Kid?” Joe asked, and he turned off the television and looked at me.

I felt nervous now. “Um nothing… why?”

“Well you didn’t say a word on the way back here and you haven’t said anything this entire evening, is something bothering you? Usually you’re talking the my ear off. Hell, if it’s just the game, you know we’ll recover, don’t take it too personally.”

I smiled. “Sure Joe! I know! I mean with Patty’s Smittens…” I gasped, and I actually felt horrified because at that moment the biggest, ugliest, hairiest spider I had ever seen fell from the ceiling and onto Joe’s tummy.

“WOAH!” Joe yelled and he brushed at it with his hand but instead of falling off it only hopped onto the back of his hand. The spider was so big it actually covered the entire back of his hand. “Holy Hell!” I jumped off the bed and Joe jumped to his feet on the bed and he shook his arm violently back and forth. Instead of flying off, though, the spider merely fell down a dragline and stayed attached to his hand, except now it was spinning in circles on its silk.

“Step on it!” I cried, the only thing I could think to say.

“Gah!” And with a flick of his wrist the spider silk snapped and the thing fell to the carpet. Joe wasted no time in stomping his foot on it, but at that point I noticed that his feet were bare, and somehow he missed the spider. Instead of running from him the spider ran onto his foot and then up the leg of his jeans. Joe cried out. “Get it off!”

“Mon Dieu!” I exclaimed and I ran to Joe’s side as he unbuttoned his fly and just as he started to pull his jeans down the spider appeared at the waist of the pants and then fell onto the carpet again. I grabbed a shoe lying near the bed and I smashed it on the spider and ground it into the carpet. There that should do it!

But when I lifted the shoe, the spider, which had rolled into a ball, unfolded its legs and began to scramble away, seemingly uninjured. Insolent thing! I smashed the shoe on it again, and the spider unfolded and ran again so I tried it again and again and again. “Joe!” I cried with my heart quivering. “It’s not dying!”

I lifted the shoe and the spider ran under the television stand. I gulped. I really didn’t want to try another go at it. The main thing that burned my memory about it was that it had a pair of very long fangs. I recognized the general shape of the thing from somewhere, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

“What kind of spider was that?” Joe exclaimed in a breathless voice.

I ran to the window and opened it. If I couldn’t smash the spider I bet I could catch it and toss it outside. Right now it was the only option.

I frowned. “I don’t know did it bite you?”

“I don’t know.”

Then it hit me. “Joe! That’s a Funnel Web spider, they’re huge spiders almost like tarantulas, and I remember seeing them on the Discovery Channel.”

Joe was pale now. “Are they poisonous?”

“Yes. They’re really poisonous.”

Joe gulped. “I think it bit me.”

“Joe noo!” I exclaimed. “Where?”

Joe looked completely helpless. “I think on my stomach or something, I don’t feel too good. I think I’m gonna puke.”

I didn’t even think twice about falling to my knees at Joe’s feet and peering at his stomach. I saw a little welt but I couldn’t tell if that were a bite or just a scrape from his hockey gear. “I don’t think that’s a bite, Joe.” I squinted at it. I wasn’t wearing my contacts or my glasses so it was kinda hard to see. “I think spider bites usually turn black.”

Joe sighed loudly. “Are you sure?”

“I would think so,” I said, “I mean I think Funnel Web poison works really fast so you’d be on the floor dying by now if it did bite you.”

“Oh thank God!”

All of a sudden two men fell in through the open window; they just fell into the room and landed on top of each other on the floor. Instantly I recognized them as Danny Hinote and Mike Keane. “We made it Keanes,” Danny cried out in a desperate, unhinged voice, “we made it, we’re alive, we’re….” He stopped talking and he looked at us with really big eyes.

The smile on Keaner’s face brought the position Joe and I was in to my attention. I was kneeling in front of Joe like I was…. EW! And his fly was open too! “Hey boys,” Keane grinned. “What are you doing?”

I exchanged a quick horrified look with Joe and we both fell back from each other. “Not what are we doing,” Joe snapped. “What are YOU two doing? We have a door, you can knock.”

Danny blinked and gulped like a traumatized kitten. Oh Puh-leeze! Keane grinned and winked at us. “Right, you wouldn’t want us to just barge in on something we’re not supposed to be seeing right?”

“Oh shut it, Keaner,” Joe snipped and he crossed his arms. “What’s going on, what are you dragging Dan into?”

Keane cleared his throat and stood up, brushing off his clothes as he did. “Right, eh, Dan and I we were just… practicing our balance outdoors… and…”

“We played a joke on Parker that went bad we needed a quick escape,” Danny cut in. Humph! The tattletale! I would never betray my teammates like that.

Keane nodded. “That works too.”

“Just great,” Joe said calmly.

“So now what were you two up to?” Keane asked.

“There was a spider in Joe’s pants,” I declared, stepping forward. “And I was checking for bites, it was really big.”

“Oh sure,” Keane replied nodding his head with an obvious expression of being patronizing and conspiratorial.

“Holy shit!” Danny exclaimed. “There it is.”

Even Keane exclaimed in surprise when we saw the critter come out from under the television stand. It looked like the spider had a mind for going under the bed. Before it could reach its destination however, both Danny and Mike descended upon it stomping and yelling. I had to admit I felt sorry for the spider at that point, it had gone through so much to stay alive, but I don’t know why it decided to come out from under its hiding place. Both of the men jumped back at the same time from the spider.

“There Cap’n, it’s all dead and… Shit!”

“It’s still alive!” Danny cried.

Not only still alive but very angry, the spider lifted the front end of its body waving its legs at Keane and baring its long fangs. It then ran forward at his feet. “Yow!” Keaner exclaimed and he began to run backward with the critter running forward at him. Both Danny and Joe were behind Keaner screaming about different possibilities for why it’s not dead and at the same time they all went into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Well, there goes anyone caring about Tangers!

For my part, I grabbed a clear glass vase from the nightstand and while the spider’s back was turned I trapped it inside. “Gotcha!” I slid a magazine under the mouth of the vase and then lifted it so I could get a better look at it.

The spider seemed to be sitting calmly inside the vase and I could see its face clearly and it’s eight eyes which glinted like polished shiny black pearls. The furry body wasn’t completely black, there seemed to be brown striping on it almost like tiger stripes, actually it was a very attractive looking spider. It couldn’t be a Funnel Web, something different that still looked familiar to me. I squinted.

In my mind’s eye I could see Jana’s grin and her little hands on a jar, and the occupant was…. “Igor?” I whispered.

Now this might sound impossible to you but I assure you that I completely understand if you don’t believe a word of this because after all these years I don’t understand it myself. The spider didn’t speak for me to hear but I can swear that he communicated to me on some level. Yes, he told me, I am Igor now let me out before I bite you through this magazine.

You would do that? I thought.

Yes and the results will not be satisfactory to your health I assure you.

Are you Jana’s spider?

I do not belong to anyone, but yes I have had the pleasure of knowing the little girl.

How did you get in Nashville?

Shut up and toss me out the window I am tired of you!

At this point I didn’t think it would be wise not to obey the critter; I mean how many times had he been stomped on and lived to tell the tale? So I hastily carried him to the window and turned the vase over on the fire escape. I could hear his body land on the metal with a dull thud and the spider remained sitting for a second before it skittered over the railing and to his freedom.

I closed the window and I tell you I felt weird and floaty. Not only because I had just had a conversation with a spider who spoke with a soft Russian accent, but because it had startling implications as to everything the children had been giggling about for the last three years. I’m talking Gremlins, Ghoulies, magic mirrors, Mummy’s curses, and magic rabbits, the children had been talking about things like that to me for so long and I had always thought that they were talking from gifted imaginations. And now… Igor….

“It’s safe guys, the spider’s gone,” I called out.

The bathroom door opened and Danny’s face peeked out first. “Heh, you kill it?”

“No,” I replied. “I let him go.”

“Him?” Keaner asked pushing Joe aside and prancing out. “I thought spiders that big were girls.”

I laughed. “No this one was Igor, not a girl.”

“Igor?” Keane asked. “Isn’t that Jana’s spider?”

I sighed and sat down on one of the beds. “Igor belongs to no one.”

“Hehe now you’re just talking silly, Tangs,” Danny said in a goofy voice.

All I could think of was every story the kids had told me that I had passed off as silly. “Sure,” I said. “Silly.”