My headaches are getting worse. Jon says I’m grinding more and more. I was driving today for an hour and a half and I would drift off in to thoughts then come back and wan to cry, but just winced, form the extreme pain that continued to pulsate through my head, in my jaw, down my neck, deep down the spine, and settled in my lower back. I know I’m depressed but I can’t get out. I’m always tired. I’m sore and achy. Days go by with no meaning. My head pulses. I feel nauseous. I worry. I worry about my schooling, my lack of money, my lack of energy, and Jon’s falling down with me. Once again I try to shrug off me for him but the tiredness takes over and my weakness shines through and my eyes get heavy as I drift off to a land with even less control. A world with expressed anger, with muted words, with a constant dull pain. A world of strange, unfamiliar faces. A world where I can’t run, can’t lash out, can’t scream. My second world of pain. I sleep to rid this world… and wake to rid my sleep. I’ve started to sweat in my sleep again. I wake up upset and don’t’ know why. I want answers. I want pain killers. I want happiness. I want to get rid of this stress.
I say “can’t” a lot.
I feel I’m setting myself up for failure. A beauty pageant where I don’t belong, cheer leading tryouts that I’m not skilled enough for, a profession I’m not suitable for, a world I can’t keep up with… can’t. There it is again. It’s always there. “I can’t.” and I can’t… am not able to hold it back. It’ll just blurt out.
Each day is more difficult to wake up to. Each day is less productive to the last, leaving me with more to do the following day. My life is a giant debt. I’m lacking money, skills, motivation, time, energy, grades, and happiness and I’m left with loads and loads of stress to fill the vast voids of emptiness. And my pain increase.
With all the set backs I’ve laid down for myself I feel it getting harder and harder to keep up with the world. I have no tolerance, no patience, no real joy, no real feelings. I have confusion, sorrow, pity, and hate. I hate people. I hate how so many are happy. I hate how so many are smarter than me. I hate how they have so much motivation. I hate how they have more talent than me. I hate that t hey don’t have stress. I hate that they give me stress. I hate the pain that continues to boil inside. I hate my thoughts. I hate having no answers.
Why am I here? Why do I try? What’s the point? Will I ever succeed? Why do I hurt so much?
I feel so alone… but I want to be. I want to be forgotten. I want to slip away and just be the useless, worthless being that I am. I want money and education to not matter. I don’t want to be annoyed so much. I don’t want to hate. I don’t want this pain. Why can’t I cry? It hurts so much I can’t speak. I feel the wrinkles become caves as I frown harder. I’m so uncomfortable. I can’t sit, stand, or lie down. I hurt…
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