He’s not that bad. I guess. It’s just the fact that he was unfair to me. And he hasn’t changed. I hate unfairness. And he’s the solid form of it. Me avoiding him has helped, cuz now there’s nothing to be unfair about. But once I’m around him for too long… it’s back to the past. Blaming me for this, saying I have to do that. And his hypocrisy just drives me insane. I hate him.
I’m tired of putting up with the shit of my parents. More than 18 years now. Come on. Gain some maturity. I’m expected to call. Talk to them about things… that aren’t happening. No, nothing’s new. I’m expected to visit. With no car. Ok, that’s y fault. But how do I get between houses. Last week I went out with Justin and Ca. Visited dad and took a tad long. Uncle Phil insisted he drive so my mom’d be safe. Yeah, I know. Sweet and nice of him. We get here and I get a lecture from both. My mom said I gotta listen to them and keep to my word. I was supposed to be home @ 2pm but wasn’t’ till 4:30pm. Step-dad said I’m inconsiderate and only think of myself. I have to think of others more. I’m sick of the pain in my chest when I think of all the stuff I have to do when I go home. How much I’m missing my brothers growing up. They’ve become their own selves and I don’t even know who they are. So I’ve decided. No more visiting my mom’s house. I’m straight to my dad’s.
I felt like cutting myself today. My wrists ached. I’ve never had that feeling before. I just wanted to let the pain that’s pumping in me flow out. I still feel it. At the same time I know the consequences it brings. No, I don’t want to kill myself…. Just… rid the pain. This horrid, incessant, dull, throbbing pain. There’s no outlet. Dancing helps rid stress and tire me to sleep. Then I wake again. Crying adds more pain. My chest hurts more now. My eyes are burning. I want it to go away. Everything.
11:05 - 11:20pm