April 28, 2000
There's a pain. It's just a small pain. I shrug it off. I've had many pains before. This one will go away. In a few days it does. Or so I think. The pain slowly spreads. Now I feel a throbbing. A fire is burning inside of me. I can't find the fuel source to shut if down. So I add some water. I cool down a bit, but the flames are still coming. These flames are fueled by love, anger, hate, and rage. Water can't do anything more than create a slight sizzle. It's too late. The pain is all over. It's a dull pain. I feel my body pulsing. I can feel my skull moving. My stomach follows. My chest squeezes at me as an attempt to hold me together. I feel my arms burn. My feet have turned to pained stones. Everything is pounding to the rhythmic, quick pace of my heart. The pounding is hard now. My chest can't hold it back. The pain has taken over. It is at my heart.
* * * *
I am dead now. I've never felt so much pain in my life. It engulfed me. Swallowed me as a whole. As if it were Moby Dick and I was a small guppy. The light was so bright I felt more pain. My eyes felt as if they would roll to the back of my head and all together I would explode. I hoped that. The light turned into heat. More fire to burn me. To pain me. All I can see is white. It's so white I'm beginning to see spots of colors. But there are none. I know there are none. I try to walk. My foot moves. The weights have been lifted from my painted stoned feet. I feel weightless. I hear nothing. It's so quiet and bright. All of my pain has seemed to have left my body. Although my memories are still here. I think of my life. Yet I feel no pain. I just feel sorry. I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for the others I've touched. I blink. Suddenly the lights fade. The pain follows. My fingers ache of a pain. I can no longer feel the tips. It makes me want to wish away my hand. It's so painful. Then my whole body burns and hurts. I am truly feeling pain. It's as if all of my emotions and pains from the past have come back. It is now gray. Now black. I'm engulfed in pain. I try and scream and no sound comes out. It's black. I'm full of fright and pain. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's ahead of me. I feel pain. It has won me over.
1:42- 2:02am