Why am I still here. I’m 19. 19 years of pathetic, worthless, wasted life. I still don’t have a purpose to live. I still haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile. I still haven’t made a “correct” decision. Nothing I do ever goes right. I was born and am meant to live my life as a failure. I wish I’d died that night. I chickened out like the wuss I am and failed. I couldn’t even succeed in killing myself. All I had to do was sleep. And I couldn’t do it. I feared pain. As if I haven’t had enough pain. Life is pain. Every choice I make brings pain. Waking up each morning I feel pain. What would a few moments of pain be? Nothing. Nothing compared to all the pain I’ve put myself thru. And the pain I imagined could be an imagined thing. Maybe I wouldn’t feel pain. Or maybe the pain is so great… I can’t feel. And besides… at least, after all that is done, I’d have completed one thing. The one promise to myself. My vow. I can’t keep that. I feared pain. A pain that would end my life. A pain that I would have for just a fleeting moment compared to the vast seas of pain I have gone thru. I would have been rid of the world I live in. rid of people I’ve hurt. Who hurt me. Who I despise. Who can’t stand me. I would rid my hated stepfather, my unfair father, my caring yet blinded step-mother, my loving mother, my sick sister, my slowly polluted brothers… I’d be gone. I don’t’ know why I feared that pain. I guess I didn’t think enough of what would come. My damnation from this earth into punishment and severe consequences… but I’d be gone. No more “choices.” Although if it’s how it’s described… it would be the same. All choices and decisions I’d make would be pointless, all leading to the same result of failure and disappointment. I haven’t achieved any goals. I haven’t “moved up” in life. I haven’t achieved happiness. True love… he’s moved on and given me up. I’m just left here as a shell. Inside my shell has bits and pieces of “me.”
I’m confused and lost and don’t know whether or not I should be here. I am hate, anger, rage, pity, sorrow, and pain. I feel no true happiness or love. So I think again to myself… why am I here?
11:30 - 11:47pm