Laverne: You don't kiss too bad either.
Act One:
"Better clear the runway, Shirl, ‘cause there’s a pork roast coming in at 12 o’clock!"
Employees from Shotz Brewery have gathered up at the girls apartment to cheer for the Milwaukee Braves. Lenny plays the guitar and they all sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”. Shirley walks out of her room with a big box of home-made confetti and Carmine accidentally spills it all over the floor. Shirley is upset because she had spent the whole night cutting up National Geographic to make colorful confetti and it was ruined.Laverne askes her why she is cranky then sends everybody home. Shirley cries and Carmine tells her she is beautiful. She says she may be beautiful, but she is NOT CRANKY!
Squiggy sits with a friend (with his legs on her lap) and makes her drink beer because ‘it’ll make it easier’. Squiggy informs Lenny not to come home. Lenny asks Squiggy if his friend has someone for him, but Squiggy tells him the girl thinks Lenny is weird-looking. That upsets him and Laverne says the girl didn’t know what she was talking about, that he had a lot of good things going for him. He asks her to name one, and Laverne says she thinks he is sweet and that he is better looking that Squiggy. Lenny actually doesn’t believe it.
Lenny asks Laverne how come Squiggy is such a ‘San Juan’ and Laverne tells him he’s found a girl that likes dead moths and all the disgusting things he likes. She tells Len he has to find a girl that is into the same things that he is and she will like him back. Lenny doubts there is a girl who likes monster movies and sports. Laverne tells him she likes all that (she’s seen “Godzilla Eats Tokyo” sixteen times).
If she has just told him that a girl that has the same tastes as he will like him back, then why does she insist she is basically that girl (she boast she is quite a baseball player, watches monster movies...)? Did she realize the message she was sending him? Supposedly she didn't, but something tells me Laverne knew what she was doing. She knows he’s always liked her quite a bit and she’s like him a bit too. Throughout the series there was always that flirty eye contact, that smile just before kissing... Who can blame Lenny for misunderstanding her? Was it really a missunderstanding? Did Laverne change her mind for her own sake, to hide it from Shirley? Was she entirely leading him on to nothing? To something? Too many questions! Not one answer! Oh, now I've gone cross-eyed...
Laverne leads him on worse as she holds his hand and asks him, twice, if anything she’s saying is getting through to him. It’s basically telling him: “Are you getting it? It’s me!” At least that’s what he sees and tells her he thinks he’s found someone, obviously her, but Laverne doesn’t notice and congratulates him.
Lenny is ready to go out to sleep in the gutter and Laverne tells him he can sleep on the couch. (Usually Laverne would grimace at the thought of Lenny sleeping there. That’s what’s unusual about this episode. She treats him like a human being, not like cartoon-ish, silly, annoying neighbor from upstairs. The same goes to Shirley and Squiggy in "Squiggy in Love” where they have a heart-to-heart. If only there had been more episodes like these…)
Lenny thanks her for her help and tells her she talks good. He tells him he talks good too and, again, that he is a real sweet guy. Right there he steals a kiss (personally one of their sexiest kisses, even if it is seems like the most innocent one, because I don’t know what MMK those with his lower lip there, but whatever it is I bet it was good…) and Laverne tells him he doesn’t kiss bad either (No kidding!) For a person who ran away with completely disgusted in "Hi Neighbor" when Lenny kissed her she surely took this kiss quite happily. Back then he had an excuse; she's sewn her 'L' on his jacket, but what excuse does he have for kissing her now? Why didn't she ask him for one? Did she care at all? Doesn't seem like it. Hmmm... But Laverne just exits to the bedroom and he stays there staring after her.
The next morning Lenny sits on the couch writing a song in his guitar. Shirley enters from the bedroom in her pajamas, obviously she has just woken up, and says hello to Lenny. She quickly realizes she’s just walked in front of him dressed like that and hides behind the counter. She calls Laverne but Laverne tells her she is shaving her legs. Lenny says that’s the voice of his beloved. Shirley covers herself with a kitchen towel, and says he is talking in his sleep and it’s sillier when he’s awake (???). He says you don’t have to be Mr. Wizard to know when you’ve been kissed, and that he and Laverne are a hot item. Shirley of course doesn’t believe him. The day that he and Laverne are a hot item is the day pigs fly. “Better clear the runway, Shirl, ‘cause there’s a pork roast coming in at 12 o’clock,” he tells her. Shirley still doesn’t believe him. He says that when you lest expect it love walks through the door.
Squiggy enters, angry because he looked for Lenny everywhere. Lenny tells him he had quite a night, and Squiggy, seeing Shirley covering herself, misunderstands and hopes he had a good time (with Shirley). Shirley says proudly that no man has ever had a good time with her. Lenny tells him it’s Laverne.
The boys leave and Shirley calls Laverne. Laverne enters with her legs all cut from shaving. Shirley wants to hear everything, every detail that happened between her and Lenny last night, and if the sound (smooches her own hand) ever occurred. Laverne says no, it was a quiet, gentle little kiss. Shirley tells her that gentle, little kiss made Lenny fall for her, but Laverne says he’s always liked her a little. Shirley tells her he has a serious crush on her and to go upstairs and set things straight. Laverne refuses and Shirley tells the story of Ned Stern, a boy she had led on and then had to break it to him she had done so. He was so depressed he had to leave town (and later became Big Time Dr. Stern).
Shirley tells Laverne she’s gonna hurt Lenny. Lenny enters and says he stayed up all night writing a song for Laverne and sings “I’m in Love with Laverne”. The sweet lyrics ( especially: “You search around the world then you find your special girl in a basement in your own backyard…”) makes Laverne realize Shirley is right.
Laverne: You know that special something that happens between a guy and a girl...?
Lenny: Yeah, I got that for you.
Act Two:
"Is this how you treat your best guy?"
The gang is at a Braves game and Lenny goes to get Laverne a hot dog. A guy called Rusty asks Laverne out and when Lenny comes back he is outraged. He challenges Rusty to a duel and slaps Rusty with the hot dog (the guy’s face is smothered with mustard). Rusty, who is much bigger than Lenny, punches him in the stomach and leaves. Laverne still tells him she will see him Tuesday.
Laverne kneels beside Lenny (who is still in quite a lot pain) and asks him what was he doing. He says he was protecting her, that she doesn’t want to go out with that creep. When she tells him she did want to go out with him, Lenny, in the verge of tears says: “Is this how you treat your best guy? You stab him in the back? You make it kinda hard to love ya, you know that, Laverne?” and storms out. One big ‘Ouch’ for Laverne, but Lenny will have plenty of ‘Ouch’s from Laverne real soon.
Back home Laverne is sad, says that everyone hates her. Shirley tells her not to be silly, that she was trying to be nice and it backfired on her. Laverne asks her if she will stay to help her set things straight with Lenny. Shirley won’t because she remembered how Ned Stern took it. (“…cried like a baby. I had to mop him up. It was so sad…" One of my favorite Shirley quotes. It's just the way she says "mop him up" like one word: "muh-pem-uhp".) She leaves and soon Lenny enters.
Lenny is understandably very angry. He grabs Laverne, throws her in the couch and sits on top of her. He reads a note he wrote; it says that she lied to him, hurt his feelings, got him punched out and got mustard all over his jacket. She apologizes and tells him she should’ve spoken to him sooner, but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He tells her hurt them anyway (Ouch!: 1). She says she’ll make it up to him, and he asks her to be his girlfriend. She says no (Ouch!: 2) and he asks her to be his wife. Again she says no (Ouch!: 3) and Lenny loses it and angrily hides under the coffee table. He asks her what she wants, that he will get it for her. They both sit on the couch. Laverne says it’s not something you can go out and get.
Laverne asks him if he knows that special something that happens between a guy and a girl. Lenny says he knows; he has it for her. Just seeing Lenny there, with a pouty face, spilling his feelings to Laverne like that was enough to maky my heart sink. It was like being punched in the stomach by Rusty. The man actually confesses he's got that special feeling for her. That took a lot of guts, especially when knowing deep inside what would inevitably come next. You're breakin' my heart, Len.
Here comes the hard part, says Laverne, because sometimes only one person has those feelings (Ouch!: 4...5...6...7...8...9...). Lenny is embarrassed and exhausted so he says she hates him. She says she doesn’t; she loves him. “You do!” he cries joyfully, holding to that last bit of hope, but she goes and tells him that not like that, like a friend (Ouch!: 1,358). Big deal, he says and is ready to go back under the table. She stops him and tells him it happens to be a very big deal.
Girlfriends come and go but friends, like he and Squiggy, and Shirley and her, last forever. You can see it in his face he doesn't buy it, but eventually he does. They shake hands. Personally I don’t buy the whole friendship thing either. She obviously likes him, too. Why she holds out is a mystery to me. If they are such good friends they should’ve at least given it a try. If they broke up, THEN she should have slipped him the ‘friendship’ routine and everything would worked out fine anyway. Shirley and Carmine were on-and-off. Why not Laverne and Lenny? Tsk, tsk, Laverne…
Lenny accepts the friendship thing. Laverne feels better, but he says he doesn’t. She says she’s tried everything and wants to go under the coffee table herself. He stops her telling her it’s not her (right…) but the fact that he doesn’t have a date for the night. She doesn’t have one either. Godzilla on Monster Island in Tohoscope is showing at the movies and, since there is nothing wrong with two friends going to the movies together, they go out (*sigh* It’s the same thing, Laverne, except you won’t be making out with a blond hottie. Is what I’m saying getting through to ya?) .
They start talking about Godzilla and Lenny tries once again: "We really do got a lot in common, ya know that?" Laverne just doesn't go for it. She gets her coat and asks Lenny to put it on her, but he puts it on himself instead and exits. As she opens the door Lenny stands there laughing and they leave. And the world lets out a collective sigh of disappointment.
Squiggy: Our hearts, they beat as one.
Shirley: The day you drop dead.
TAG:"Lettuce goes with everything."
Days later Laverne, Shirley and Squiggy are playing animal vegetable or mineral. Squiggy always loses because he always chooses ‘lettuce’. Lenny enters with a date, tells her that Laverne is the girl he dumped for her and tells Squiggy not to come home tonight. (He got over her pretty quick, didn't he? But we must have patience with the writers...) When he leaves Laverne says that the girl is not good enough for him (you had your chance!). Squiggy says she is jealous because Lenny and the girl are two people very much in love, just like he and Shirley; their hearts beat as one. The day he drops dead, Shirley points out. She then starts scolding Laverne: “What are you talking about? You wanna lead him on again…?”
Lead him on, Shirl?
The End
