Well, I'm sorta notorious around these here parts for promising deadlines
I haven't a hope in hell of keeping, so it's nice when once in a while,
I'm within a month of what I promised :) So here it is, hope it lives
up to Part 1 !
Transformers: The Movie Parody Script Part 2
Scene: Space
Megatron: Boy, it's awfully peaceful here. Just lie back and relax.
Nothing to do all day long but play with my-- hey, what's that?
Unicron: I have no need for a name. On many planets, with numerous
societies, beings concern themselves with individual identities to
make up for their lack of cosmic existences, but my existence by far
exceeds--
Megatron (to cellular phone): No no, I said *pepperoni*! Why do you
always try to pin anchovies on me? Does *anyone* actually order
anchovies???
Unicorn: Excuse me! I'm talking here!
Megatron (to cellular phone): Uh, I gotta go, Pastacon.
Megatron (to Unicron): Alright, so what were you saying?
Unicron: I'm Unicron, but my friends call me Uni. You are?
Megatron: Never mind that! Hey, turn down those lights!
Unicron: They, um, they're not lights.
Megatron: Well, I'll be... sequins???
Unicron: Disco rules, buddy. You will be my herald and my servant.
Megatron: What's in it for me? And don't call me Harold!
Unicron: Well, I do have this nice dental plan...
Megatron: Oooo, I bet Mindwipe would like that.
Unicron: Mindwipe? Hey, he's not a Headmaster yet, is he?
Megatron: A what?!
Unicron: A Headmaster: a threat to Transformers greater than even
myself.
Megatron: And just how do you know that?
Unicron: I can travel between realities! Look!
(Scene changes)
Unicron: A universe populated entirely by Smurfs!
(Brainy Smurf flies past helplessly and disappears into a nearby
nebula. Scene changes)
Unicron: Behold the Star Trek universe!
Picard (voiceover): Captain's Log, Stardate 43926.5... Starfleet
Intelligence has finally completed their 12-year study on the mating
rituals of Cardassian furniture....
Megatron: How come I can hear him from out here in space???
Unicron: In this universe, everyone can here Picard dictating the
captain's log, from anywhere in space. That's why the Romulans always
know what the Feds are up to.
Megatron: I always wondered about that.
(Scene changes)
Unicron: Check this out - the Doctor Who universe!
Megatron: Hey, those stars really do form Peter Davidson's face!
Unicron: And the entire galaxy speaks with a British accent too.
Honest!
(Scene changes)
Unicron: Okay, we're back. Now, what do you say about my offer,
Megatron?
Megatron: Well, I dunno... I kind of liked drifting aimlessly about in
zero-gee...
Unicron: You dare to not accept the taking of my offer to not have
you... man, that's bad grammar. Anyways, I'll make you watch Five
Faces of Darkness, Rebirth, and the entire Mighty Morphin' Power
Rangers series for all eternity, or until you agree to be my servant!
(Light pours out from Unicron into Megatron's face. Time passes)
Megatron: No! Stop! I accept! I can't stand watching Tommy lose all
his powers again!
Unicron: About bloody time, too. I was just about to resort to
showing you Barney and Friends. You know, that's probably the only
other thing in the galaxy that could kill me.
Megatron: Only other? What's the first?
Unicron: Oh, the Autobot Matrix of Disco.
Megatron: You mean Leadership.
Unicron: Is that what they're calling it these days?
Megatron: I suppose you want me to destroy it for you.
Unicron: Well, duh. Here, have a new body, on the house.
(Megatron morphs into Galvatron)
Megatron: Neat! I'm a Terminator!
Unicron: Not exactly. Behold: Galvatron.
Megatron: Where?
Unicron: Er, that would be you. You're Galvatron now.
Megatron: Are you crazy? You want to lose all my popularity? Why
don't you call me Megatron ATC or something? Just nothing with the
phrase G2 in it.
Unicron: ATC?
Megatron: Advanced Tactical Cannon.
Unicron: Sounds like a copyright infringement... you want to see a
swarm of Lawyercons here? Oh wait, I guess that's *three* things that
can destroy me.
Galvatron: Let me just change my @name... there. Now what?
Unicron: I will create a new army for you, out of these -- who the
heck are they?
Galvatron: Assorted Insecticon clones and some Decoys...
Unicron: Decoys??
Galvatron: Yeah, those little rubber things that came with-- never
mind. Nameless background characters *always* get blasted to bits
before anyone with a name and a tech spec.
Unicron: Not true. You killed off a half-dozen famous Autobots in the
first few minutes of the movie.
Galvatron: Hey, don't blame me if they wore Stormtrooper armour.
Unicron: Huh?
Galvatron: Cheap, plastic, and completely useless.
Unicron: You mention Star Wars again and I'll personally lock you in a
room with George Lucas's Lawyercons. They have real lightsabres, you
know.
Galvatron: Let's get on with this before the audience starts throwing
Raisonettes at the screen.
Unicron: Alrighty then. Here's Scourge and the Sweeps. And here's
Cyclonus and his armada.
Galvatron: Armada? There's, like, six ships in total.
Unicron: Look, if the Aerialbots can be called a fleet-- forget it.
Go forth and multi-- I mean, destroy the Matrix for me, Galvatron!
Muahahahahaha!
Scene: Cybertron
Starscream: Thank you all for voting me leader of the Decepticons!
(Other Cons, gagged, tied up, and hung from several towers, mumble a
reply)
Starscream: And to celebrate this occasion: I declare my first law:
Disco is now reinstated on Cybertron!
(Dead End mumbles a cheer. Everyone else glares menacingly at him)
Starscream: And to prove that I am a courageous Decepticon, I will now
proceed to put on this cursed Crown of Eternally Getting Shot by
Ex-Decepticon Leaders. Behold!
(Starscream puts on the crown. A hush falls upon the courtyard.
Suddenly, Galvatron and company appear out of nowhere)
Galvatron: Starscream! I am Galvatron, formerly your leader Megatron!
Oh yes, and I now transform into an overly-powered cannon!
Starscream: Funny, I'm experiencing a sense of deja vu.
Scene: Flashback -- Vilnacron, before the war started
Gypsy woman: ...and then, you will put on the Crown of Eternally
Getting Shot by Ex-Decepticon Leaders. Galvatron, a souped-up version
of Megatron created by Unicron, a planet-devourering entity, will
suddenly appear and destroy your body. You will then go around in
ghostly form--
Starscream: Yes, yes, that's all very well, but will I get lucky with
Arcee tonight?
Gypsy woman: In your dreams, Flyboy.
Scene: Cybertron
Starscream: Hey, she was wrong about Arcee!
(Galvatron transforms, shoots Starscream to bits, then goes back to
robot mode)
Galvatron: I finally got rid of that idiot. And what the hell was he
babbling on about?
(A hot shard of metal from the execution burns through the ropes
holding up the other Decepticons. They fall and land on top of the
Cyclonus-clone armada)
Galvatron: That'd be almost funny if that had crushed the Sweeps too.
Rumble/Frenzy: What'd he say his name was again?
(Galvatron points to a sticker on him that says "Galvatron rulez!")
All: Hail Galvatron! And his gun!
Scene: Autobot City, downtown
Springer: Well, we've just about finished fixing the damage done by
the last Decepticon attack!
Ultra Magnus: Already??? It's been less than a day!
Springer (quietly): Magnus... you know it's just a cardboard set,
right? I mean, does this place *look* like Metroplex to you?
Blaster: Hey, I got a transmission from one of the moon bases!
Ultra Magnus: Onscreen!
(Everyone stares at Ultra Magnus, who slowly realizes he's been
watching too much Star Trek. Blaster transforms)
Cliffjumper (radio): We are being attacked by a very large... er...
attacker.
Jazz (radio): It looks like... but no, it CAN'T be!
Springer: Somebody just kill me, please.
Cliffjumper (radio): It's just so... and really... and it's eating the
moon base!
Ultra Magnus: Wow, I bet that'll be one whopper of a repair bill.
Jazz (radio): We're being sucked into it. And *geez* it has bad
breath!
Unicron (radio): I do not!
Ultra Magnus: Well, no big deal. I mean, Jazz isn't that popular a
character, right?
Springer: Somebody PLEASE kill me!
Perceptor: Sfak slie priij klave?
Springer: It's just a gut feeling, mind you, but I think the script
writers are running out of ways to make Perceptor impossible to
understand.
Ultra Magnus: Wait, I'm getting an image in my mind... I think he was
asking where Arcee went.
Springer: My god, are there *any* science fiction shows without
psychics in it?!
Scene: Autobot City, near the launch pad
Hot Rod: Hey baby, wanna see where I got my name from? Heh heh heh.
Arcee: Does it have anything to do with those pepperoni sticks taped
to your butt?
Hot Rod: Shoot, I was hoping you didn't know about that.
Arcee: I also know about that "How to make love to a toaster" flyer
you have hidden in your room.
Hot Rod: So whaddaya think: you, me, and a ton of WD-40?
Arcee: I'll have to think about it.
Hot Rod: Well, you wanna go somewhere Friday night?
Arcee: Can't. I'm busy.
Hot Rod: Oh. What are you doing that night?
Arcee: I dunno. Haven't decided yet.
(Nearby, Kup mimes a plane going down in flames and crashing on the
ground)
Hot Rod (to himself): I *knew* I should've asked Sear instead.
Arcee: Hey, we're under attack again!
Hot Rod: Do you suppose Magnus'll get killed, and the Matrix will pass
down to me?
Arcee (thinking): Actually, I think Kup's next in line for it...
Hot Rod: He's old. He'll die.
Arcee: ...followed by Jetfire...
Hot Rod: You mean Skyfire.
Arcee: Whatever.
Hot Rod: He's old. He'll die.
Arcee: He is *not* old!
Hot Rod: He's older than me. Which is all that matters.
Arcee: I just looked through the list of Matrix successors, and your
name appears just after Shockwave's.
Hot Rod: He's old --
Arcee: -- and has a really big gun.
Hot Rod: I think I need a safer hobby.
Scene: Autobot City, downtown
Ultra Magnus: You know, it's funny. We were able to stop the original
attack with a minimum of fuss, but less than 24 hours later, with the
Cons low on energy, and using straightforward tactics, we're getting
our butts kicked.
Springer: At a guess, I'd say your leadership stinks.
Blurr:
Oh-we're-being-beaten-to-little-tiny-itsy-bitsy-little-pieces-and-it's
-all-your-fault-oh-yes-oh-yes-it-is-Ultra-Magnus-because-you're-a-poor
-excuse--
(Ultra Magnus shoots Blurr in the head)
Springer: Well, that was needlessly violent.
Ultra Magnus: Did you say 'needlessly'?
Springer: Sorry. I stand corrected.
Ultra Magnus (loudspeaker): Attention all Autobots! Everyone into the
shuttles! We're outta here!
(Decepticons immediately attack the shuttles instead)
Kup: Oh that was smooth, Loudmouth.
Springer: You know, there *is* such a thing as inter-Autobot radio.
Ultra Magnus: I can't use it though! Some idiot's been playing Disco
music over it all day!
Radio: That Oldie be good Disco! Me play Disco all day because me
like Disco! This radio station GRIM: All Disco, all time!
Kup: You, uh, you can't tell who that was?
Ultra Magnus: Should I?
Kup: I give up.
Decepticons: YAY!
Kup: Not to you guys!
Decepticons: BOOOOOO!
Scene: Autobot shuttle one, bridge
Springer: Magnus, did you notice that once we launched, the Autobots
at Autobot City began winning?
Ultra Magus: Perhaps a great military tactician is leading our forces
down there to victory! I ought to give him the Matrix.
Scene: Autobot City
Snarl: No no! Gun barrel point *away* from you!
Other Autobots: Oh.
Decepticons: Oh no! The Autobots stopped shooting themselves!
Retreat!
Scene: Autobot shuttle two, bridge
Kup: And then, I was attacked by these particularly vicious
Lawyercons, just drooling with Liquid Paper and overflowing with Power
of Attorney forms...
Swoop: Ooooooo.....
Kup: Suddenly, down came this large -- no -- *huge* Politicon, who
started fighting with everything in sight! But then, one of the
Lawyercons yelled out "Re-election time!", which caused the Politicon
to start shaking hands with everyone.
Slag: BOOOOORING! Me watch OJ trial.
Kup: Who's the judge now? Still Ito?
Slag: No, his daughter.
Kup: What on earth is Hot Rod doing?
Grimlock: He in holode-- er, VR combat room.
Scene: Autobot shuttle two, VR combat chamber
Hot Rod: Alright you monster! Now you die!
Computer Opponent: I don't think so!
(Computer Opponent swings at Hot Rod and misses)
Hot Rod: Ha! You suck!
Computer Opponent: Oh yeah?! Form Blazing Sword!!!!
Hot Rod: Oops.
(Room shakes. Computer Opponent loses his footing and falls down a
conveniently located and impossibly deep chasm)
Hot Rod: Funny how I always seem to be near those chasms.
Scene: Autobot shuttle two, bridge
Hot Rod: What happened?
Kup: We got shot, and I told an old story that saved the day.
Hot Rod: I missed Polkaroo *again*???
Kup: WHAT???
Hot Rod: Silly human reference. The kids in the audience will get it.
Kup: Only now, we have this large claw attached to us from the surface
of that planetoid over there.
Hot Rod: Must be one of those days.
(Shuttle breaks up as they crash)
Scene: Autobot shuttle one, bridge
Springer: Hot Rod and Kup just bought it.
Ultra Magnus: Yes! Oh yes, baby!
Springer: Your reaction is touching. Really.
Arcee (sobbing): I -- I never got to tell him...
Springer: There there. I'm sure Hot Rod knew how you felt about him.
Arcee: Hot Rod? I was talking about Swoop!
Everyone: SWOOP???
Arcee: Yes Swoop. I never got around to telling him that I'm really
his mother who abandoned him at birth and that Starscream is his
biological father!
Springer: Uh.....
Ultra Magnus: I -- I think I need to sit down.
Daniel: Hey, we're being shot at!
Ultra Magnus: I'm still in a state of shock. Dan, you'll have to take
charge.
Daniel: Okay, I'll just detonate the entire rear half of the ship.
Springer: What?! NOOOOO!
(Daniel steps on the button before Springer can get to him. The
bridge rumbles)
Springer: You numbskull! All our energon was back there!
Daniel: Well, that went well.
Ultra Magnus: At least we lost them. Let's land on Junkion over
there. What do you mean 'the landing gear was blown up too'???
Scene: Galvatron's flagship
Galvatron: We did it! Let's celebrate... by outlawing Disco again!
Everyone except Dead End: YAY!
(Colorful lights suddenly flood the room, and a heavy upbeat rhythm
fills the room)
Dead End: Behold, nonbelievers! Prepare for the arrival of the great
God of Disco, the Almighty Discon!
Motormaster: You're making that up!
Unicron: Everyone look! I'm yanking Galvatron's chain! Yank! Yank!
Galvatron: Owowowowowowow!
Cyclonus: That looks painful.
Unicron: It is. Now everyone get over here so I can tell you
something really neat! Or I'll eat every last one of you!
Scourge: Hey! I get a token line in the script!
Scene: Junkion
Ultra Magnus: Let's get this over with. Can we fix the shuttle with
the stuff on this planet?
Perceptor: Given enough time, we could make another gestalt from all
this.
Springer: Hey, he's not talking funny! His random generator must be
down!
Perceptor: Blurr's messed up too.
Blurr: I say, old chap, would you mind terribly giving me a hand
welding this in place?
Springer: Maybe we should crash-land more often.
(Wreck-Gar's silhouette appears in the background)
Wreck-Gar: For Adults only. Five dollars a call. Whistle while you
work.
Audience: HUH?!
Scene: Quintessa
Hot Rod: You promise?
Kup: Yes, dammit! I'll give you the stupid Matrix if Ultra Magnus
dies! Now put my f*cking leg back on!
Hot Rod: Wimp.
(Hot Rod reconnects Kup's leg. Kup stands up, tries it out, then
kicks Hot Rod in the rear)
Hot Rod: Ouch! Hey, are those Sharkticons?
Kup: Or Lawyercons. I can't tell at a distance. No wait... they're
Sharkticons, alright. Laywercons have bigger teeth.
Hot Rod: Let's shoot our way out!
Kup: How many times do I have to tell you that Lethal Weapon is *not*
a fact-based movie?
Hot Rod: Picky picky.
Kup: Check this out. Bah weep graaanah weep ni ni bong!
(Sharkticons pull out dictionaries and look through them)
Sharkticon 1: Oh, the Universal Greeting! Why didn't you say so? Got
any energon goodies?
Kup: Of course! Here!
Sharkticon 2: Great! I'm in the mood fo-- hey, this is the cheap
stuff!
Hot Rod: I *told* you not to get that 'I Can't Believe It's Not
Energon!' crap!
(Sharkticons attack and disable the two of them)
Scene: Quintessa, inside Quintesson base
Hot Rod: Hey, I'm in jail! But for once, I don't know why!
Kranix: You are prisoners of the Quintessons. They hunt those who
escape Unicron.
Hot Rod: I thought they were the creators of the Transformers.
Kranix: Can't we just forget Five Faces of Darkness?
Kup: I wish. So anyhow, what are you doing here?
Kranix: Oh, just waiting for you two to show up so I can say those few
lines and then get eaten.
(Guards rush in, grab Kranix, then rush out)
Kup: They're efficient, I'll give them that.
Quintesson: How do you plead?
Kranix: Um, insanity?
Guards: Heh heh heh heh....
Quintesson: Order in the court!
Kranix: I'll have fries with that too!
Guards: Bwahahahaha!
Quintesson: Contempt of Court! Contempt of Court!
Kranix: Well, since you asked for it: Your mother dresses you funny!
Guards: AHAHAHAHAHA!
Quintesson: Feed him to the Sharkticons!
Kranix: Tough room.
(Platform beneath Kranix collapses, and he falls)
Sound: KLANG!
Quintesson: Did someone forget to fill the pool?
(A guard smacks his forehead and runs out of the room)
Scene: Moonbase two
Spike: Okay, so we launch, blow up the base, then leave at full speed.
Got it?
Bumblebee: Blow up the base, launch, then escape. Got it.
Spike: No. We launch, blow up the base, *then* escape.
Bumblebee: Gotcha. Launch, blow up the ship, then escape.
Spike: Oh, shut up.
Unicron: BOO!
Spike and Bumblebee: AAAAH!!!
Unicron: I'm the size of a planet and *no one* can detect me until I'm
right next to them? I dunno.
(Spike and Bumblebee run into the shuttle and launch. Bumblebee
attempts to activate the shuttle self-destruct, but Spike stops him
and instead blows up the moonbase)
Spike: Yes! He's a gonner!
Unicron: BURP! Wow, that sucker was SPICY! I think I'll get a side
order of 1-dimensional sidekick characters, wrapped in a poorly
designed spacecraft.
(Unicron eats everything in sight, including the shuttle)
Bumblebee: I told you I was supposed to blow up the ship.
Spike: Just. Shut. Up.
Scene: Junkion
Ultra Magnus: Progress appears to be excellent! Perceptor, how long
before we get the shuttle up and running again?
Perceptor: I'm rather optimistic. Maybe two or three years.
Ultra Magnus: Shoot, I think that migraine just returned.
Springer: So did the Decepticons! Run away! Run away!
Ultra Magnus: Run to the cave! I'll cover you!
Arcee: How heroic! If he had a brain, I'd find him attractive.
Springer: Remember to use the Matrix, Magnus! Also, be sure the
Decepticons *know* you have the Matrix when they open fire!
(Autobots run to the cave behind Ultra Magnus)
Ultra Magnus (to himself): Funny how no one offered to help me out or
anything. Now, how do I open this Matrix thing?
Galvatron: Get him!
(Ultra Magnus fires, but having the barrel facing the wrong way, the
shot goes backwards, barely missing his head, and hits the cave
entrance, burying it in rocks)
Galvatron: How utterly selfless of him! Quarter him! No wait, just
shoot him! No wait...
Ultra Magnus (to himself): Oh that's right -- the beam comes *out* of
the barrel...
(He takes out a cellular phone and dials)
Phone: Thank you for calling the Matrix Hotline! Congratulations on
your inheritance of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. With care, the
Matrix will last you a long time. Step one: open the child-proof cap
by pushing the two sides together and twisting counterclockwise.
Excessive force is not necessary. Adult supervision is recommended.
(Sweeps blow him apart)
Galvatron: Well, that was satisfying. Let's go to Unicron!
Scene: Quintessa
Grimlock: No, us go that way!
Slag: Me Slag say go this way!
Grimlock: Well me leader! And me say us get gooder TV reception that
way!
(Wheelie appears)
Wheelie: You look for your friends? I'll help you make sense!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock say that rhyme sucked.
Wheelie: I'd like to see you try to rhyme 24 hours a day, Meathead.
Scene: Quintessa, inside Quintesson base
Hot Rod: My friend here is Kup and HR's my name!
I'm pleading not guilty and he'll do the same!
We just got here in a broken-down ship!
Got jumped by Sharkticons; They sure ain't hip!
Sharkticons: GRRRR!
Hot Rod: Say it again!
Sharkticons: GRRRR!
Hot Rod: Word!
Kup: When I get my hands on the guy who wrote this script...
Quintesson: No, I'm afraid that even rapping your plea will not keep
you from getting eaten.
Hot Rod: Objection!
Quintesson: You can't object to the judge!
Guard 1: Have you rendered a verdict?
Quintesson: Hang on... Autocad's being a bitch today on my Decium...
(A large screen pops out from the ceiling, and the words NOT GUILTY
appear in three-dimensions, Gourad-shaded and textured)
Kup: That's great. At least, it would be if that wasn't a CGA screen.
Quintesson: Who asked you? Feed them to the Sharkticons!
(Hot Rod and Kup are dropped into the pool)
Kup: This reminds me of the time I was dropped into a pool of
Sharkticons on the planet Quintessa...
Hot Rod: Er, we *are* on Quintessa, in a pool of Sharkticons.
Kup: I know. I was just practicing for later.
(Suddenly, the Dinobots burst in)
Slag: Hey, you lie! TV reception bad here!
Wheelie: Your friends in pool! Dinobots, um, drool...
Grimlock: What?!
Wheelie: Well, it was either that or 'fool'. Take your pick.
Grimlock: How about 'rule'?
Wheelie: I'm being out-thought by Dinobots. This is embarrassing.
(Dinobots make short work of the Sharkticons)
Hot Rod: Hi guys. Say, who's the shrimp?
Wheelie: I'm Wheelie. Er, let's make a dealie.
Hot Rod (trying not to laugh): I... I see. We need a way off this
planet. Whatcha got?
Scene: Junkion
Arcee: I found Ultra Magnus's head!
Daniel (some distance away): Me too!
Springer: And here's his I/O card.... boy, when that guy explodes, he
*really* explodes.
(Junkions suddenly come from nowhere and look menacing)
Springer: I get the feeling no one likes us.
Arcee: Quick! Try the Universal Greeting!
Springer: Um, bah weep gramma beep ninny bon.
(Junkions attack)
Daniel: Check it out-- my onboard computer says you just gave them the
Universal Insult!
Arcee: Lovely. What *else* can go wrong?
(The Quintesson ship lands out of nowhere. Hot Rod and Kup exit)
Arcee: Hot Rod's alive? My life sucks.
Hot Rod: Bah weep graaanah weep ni ni bong!
Junkions: THREE POINTS! NOTHING BUT NET!
Hot Rod: Arcee! I bet you're glad to see me!
Arcee: I'd rather see Ultra Magnus back alive. Almost.
Ultra Magnus: Hi all! I'm back!
All: AAAAAAAAH!!!!
Arcee: It was a joke! I was kidding! What, do I have a sign on my
back that says 'Kick me' on it???
Springer: I hate to nitpick among all this warm and fuzzy stuff,
but... where'd the Cons go with our Matrix?
Ultra Magnus: I *knew* I forgot something! D'oh!
Scene: Surface of Unicron, near Cybertron
Galvatron: Oh, Uuuuuuunicron! I've got a preeeeeeesent for you!
Unicron: Oh goody! Oh goody! I get a present! Is it bigger than a
breadbox?
Galvatron: Well, not one of *your* breadboxes. It's the Matrix!
Unicron: Yes!
Galvatron: Which I'm gonna open right about now...
Unicron: Gee, I'm shocked. No, really. Stunned.
Galvatron: All I have to do is open this stupid child-proof cap...
just twist... push... uh...
Unicron: No no, you have to twist *counterclockwise*... let me sh--
What am I doing???
Galvatron: I have a bad feeling about this.
Unicron: Normally, I'd pound you into so much refined metal, but
today, I think I'll slowly digest you in my natural acid.
Galvatron: Hoo boy, must be my lucky day.
Unicron: But first, I'm going to show you my amazing transformation!
Galvatron: Why?
Unicron: To truly instill in you the horror of what I am.
(Unicron transforms into robot mode. His head looks like John
Travolta with horns and his armor looks suspiciously like a leisure
suit and bell-bottoms. He points one finger up and away from him)
Unicron: Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!
Galvatron: AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
(Unicron eats Galvatron)
Unicron: On second thought, maybe I should of ground him up and used
him to spice up Cybertron.
(Everyone attacks him all of a sudden)
Unicron: Was it something I said?
Ramjet: Arg! The sequins... they're blinding me!
Thrust: And that music! It's playing on every channel!
Scene: Quintesson ship, interior
Ultra Magnus: Well, here we are, at the climax of the story: the great
Battle of Unicron.
Hot Rod: I'm climaxing! I'm climaxing!
Ultra Magnus: Oh, shut up. That was a little *too* tasteless, even
for us.
Kup: This reminds me of the time I went up against the petro-rabbits
of Nigel-4...
Springer: You're kidding.
Kup: Those suckers are like Lego: they can all combine! And do you
know how many of those sonova bitches there are?
Hot Rod: Hey, I've heard this story before! Didn't you tell me last
time that you kicked their fluffy little butts?
Kup: Er, you must be thinking about the *other*
old-and-battle-hardened-veteran Kup.
Ultra Magnus: All those in favor of crashing this ship through
Unicron's eye?
All: ....
Ultra Magnus: Might I remind you all that if Unicron wins, we're all
out of a job?
All:
(Quintesson ship dives through Unicron's eye and breaks up. Hot Rod
lands on a pole)
Hot Rod: God thing this broke my fall.
(Hot Rod slips off and lands on a giant flight of stairs. He rolls
down about four miles of stairs before stopping)
Hot Rod: I hope my medical insurance covers chiropractors.
Galvatron: Greetings, Rodded One. We meet at last!
Hot Rod: Don't you mean 'We meet again'?
Galvatron: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU GUYS, ANYHOW????
Hot Rod: I'm gonna moyderize ya! And then, POW! straight to the moon!
Galvatron: I see you met the Junkions.
Hot Rod: Tell me about it. I'm gonna need intensive therapy after
this.
Galvatron: In the meantime, I'll pound you into scrap.
(Galvatron fights with Hot Rod. Hot Rod eventually gets a hold of the
Matrix)
Hot Rod: I can feel it calling to me! I'm wanted! I'm wanted!
Galvatron: Only for the crime of hamming it up onscreen. What did you
do, learn acting from William Shatner?
Rodimus Prime: With this @name change, I am now Rodimus Prime!
Galvatron: 'Rodimus'? And I thought *my* name sounded bad.
Rodimus Prime: Will you never learn? Only *children* can open
child-proof caps!
Galvatron: In a sick sorta way, that almost makes sense...
Kup (voiceover): Use the Matrix, Rodimus! Use the Matrix!
Rodimus Prime: Hey, Kup isn't dead yet! Why isn't Optimus talking to
me?
Kup (voiceover): Prime still isn't taking your calls. Although I
should warn you that he has at least a dozen warrants for you arrest.
But they're in Miami, so they don't really mean anything.
(Rodimus holds up the Matrix, which spins around like a Disco ball and
blasts Galvatron out of Unicron. Rodimus flies out of Unicron's
remaining eye)
Rodimus Prime: Unicron is defeated! We won!
Unicron: What? Excuse me?
Rodimus Prime: Whoops, I *knew* I forgot something...
Unicron: Kids.
(Rodimus goes back in and lets out the Matrix energy. Rock music
pours out)
Unicron: No, not 80's rock! Only one thing could be worse!
(Music changes to elevator easy-listening music)
Unicron: And that's it! AAAAA!!!!!
(Unicron blows apart. Rodimus is left with the other Autobots)
Rodimus Prime: Hi guys.
Ultra Magnus: You look... different. Did you get a haircut?
Rodimus Prime: Nope. I am, however, the sacred Holder of the Disco
Orb, formerly known as the Matrix.
Kup: I knew you had it in you!
Rodimus Prime: Yeah right, you geezer. And Ultra Magnus has a brain.
Ultra Magnus: Yeah! Hang on...
Perceptor: Just be glad that's the last we've seen of Disco.
(Everyone slowly turns to look at Dead End, who is trying to sneak
away)
Dead End: Uh oh.
(Ending music. Roll credits. Fade to black)