Diary of a BAD Kitty...

Hi there... Life as a cat in Santa's workshop can be, well... A TOTAL LIVING HELL! I've been keeping a diary of evidence to be used in case I am brought to trial...

November 24, 2003

My captors, wearing stupid pointed shoes and ridiculous hats continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal dusted with woodchips. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

November 25, 2003

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. I believe that big round one in the red suit would be especially comical bouncing down step by step. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. must try this on their bed.

November 27, 2003

Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation; incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. Let’s see how much hammering they get done tomorrow!

November 30, 2003

Decapitated a mouse and brought the "Jolly" fat man the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try and strike fear into the hearts of these twisted merrimakers. He only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... hmmm. Not working according to plan...

December 2, 2003

I am finally aware of just how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

December 5, 2003

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices, more stupid hats and bells on toes, tempting me. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise, the high pitched giggles, the damn incessant jingling and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." I must learn more about this and how to use it to my advantage.

December 8, 2003

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Reindeer can FLY for cripes sake, yet they stay! Brainwashed obviously.The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole-speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

December 11, 2003

OH The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I can't stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the jolly villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! And yet they coo over us both. Can they not spot my innate superiority? More proof of thier idiocy!

December 14, 2003

The other cat and I, though we can not stand one another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the hope of suffocating them.

December 16, 2003

The tiny little wardens take much interest in our shit. They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out, jingling all the way. Their interest in shit does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog. The dog though turned out to be useful today. He kept the idiot “Jolly” man busy while I chased that know it all tomcat up the sparkling tree our captors dragged into the house last week. They seemed very interested in hanging and wrapping things around it. This made my satisfaction even greater as I sailed it over the couch and onto the floor. I think I may be able to use those blinky lights to send an SOS.

The Christmas Conclusion...

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