He did it, why can’t you?

The present generation of youngsters must have heard this quite often; a question asked by parents, teachers, friends, relatives and just about everyone. It’s a question asked when the child does not perform well; especially in exams. You could simply term it as a comparison between two individuals. When your child doesn’t do well and if your neighbour’s son did brilliantly, you tend to ask, “See that boy. He also studies in your same class and he got so much marks. Why can’t you?” It is most likely that the parent in the neighbouring house would be asking his son, “You got only so much. Why can’t you get the first rank?” And in the first rankers house parents would say, “You should get centum.”

Be it a class test, model exam or the board exams, comparisons are always done. But have you ever wondered how it would affect the child? The problem is that most parents don’t realize it; they just blurt it out at the spur of the moment very casually; probably hoping that such a statement will motivate the child to do better. But this is rarely the case. A kind of anger builds up in the child; an anger as to why he/she has to be compared with someone else; an anger that is kept suppressed and can’t be expressed. In many cases this keeps building on year after year. Right from schooling through to college, the child is faced with such questions. Not only the parents, but even relatives add fuel to the fire. They constantly keep boasting about their child’s achievements or about someone else’s achievements. Is it restricted to studies? One student told me, “It happens to me as well, but not with respect to studies”. The parent, who happened to hear her daughter talking to me, later confided that only now did she realize that unknowingly she had always been comparing her child with someone or the other. Many a times it was just like saying, “Look how she keeps her room clean. Look how she does so much work”. How did this habit of comparing start out? One reason is perhaps that it has been passed down from generation to generation. The parents themselves might have been compared by their parents. So the tradition simply passes along. But one thing is for sure; the parents want their child to be the best and they say such things with the hope of bettering their child. But little do they realize that such a comparison can work destructively. In fact it is in rare cases that a child will himself feel, “He is doing well. Why can’t I do better than him?” If the child asks himself this question, on his own, then it is a positive effect. The child is bound to improve because of self-motivation. But majority of the children will take it negatively. The child may not even do what he is presently doing. His performance might slump totally due to the inner resentment.

    Why is it that we have to compare? Every individual is different. Every individual has his/her own talents and qualities. Every individual cannot be the best in academics. We know all these facts but still don’t stop asking the question. Parents might ask, “How do I help to improve my child?” It is much better to try and help the child than ask such questions. The child should be encouraged. Try to tell the child that what they have done is good but that they have the potential to do better. Many a times it is just the manner of saying that matters. The way you say it can decide whether your statement has a positive or negative impact on the wet-cement-like mind of the child. The ultimate reason remains the same. Just look at these two statements; First statement: “See Raghu, he studies so well and scores more marks than you.” Second statement: “You have done fairly well but I feel you have the potential to do still better.”

The first statement will automatically create a negative impact in the child’s mind. The second statement would tell the child that the parent believes in him/her. It is always better to encourage and improve rather than hope to compare and improve. And always try to analyze what are the problems the child faces rather than simply say, “You are doing badly.” Try to find out where the problem is; is the child not concentrating in class, is he not interested in studies; if then why?; is he spending more time in sports; if that is the case why not encourage him in that area also. Children will feel a lot better if their parents support them and encourage them. Of course doesn’t mean to say that you keep telling your child “You are the best. No one is better than you”. That creates over-confidence and leads to downfall. The most vital part is to create a proper balance and guide the child. Stop comparing and start encouraging.

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