7-Alien vs. 10-The Whapper (1 - 9)

In a HO exclusive, a first person account of the fight.

I have developed an ulcer and I may have a problem making it to my fight. Plus, the directions to the venue are a little sketchy, I don't know if I'll get lost. Alien called, her niece is being fitted for her wedding gown today so she may not make it. OOPS, I tripped, my ankle!!!!!! OHHHHH my ankle!!!! I think my liver is acting up, I'm going to the doctors, I'll try to make it later but you never know with livers, they may have to open me up.

(Side line reporter) - I have a question. When is the last time The Whapper has eaten? And was there protein involved?

Cant talk right now, I’m fighting giant man eating alien. Don’t mean to be rude but have no time

In between rounds very out of breath going to kill person who made me fight this beast she hits very hard part of ear burned off by acid poked me in retina in round 3 very cheap move even for alien wish I had small cannon or possibly RPG without a doubt most miserable day of life I do have plan will unveil soon she is a junk puncher.

Just finished round 9, I’m very hurt, tried to find junk of alien there is none, not used to fighting women, found genitalia, punched it, hand got stuck in female alien genitalia, was drug around ring for entire round 8, hand still stuck in between rounds, had to spend break in alien corner, could have used some water, asked for water from alien, got acid spit on me, am very badly burnt, must unveil plan and come up with some form of trickery, also have plan for my manager for putting me here, will pay badly.

Round 10 over now, tried to curl into ball and play dead, works against bears, does not work against aliens, I know this now, Alien kicked me like soccer ball into ring post, back may be sprained, managed to bite alien on it's back and leg, may have damaged it's exoskeleton, turns out it did no damage, alien smashed me on top of head, have discomfort and mild swelling now in head and neck region, called time out, no time outs allowed, alien bit my junk with smaller of two heads when I had hands up calling for the T, kind of liked it, claw went into me head, have small hole in skull bone now, about the width of pencil, slightly larger than other hole that was already there, round is starting, must go.

Round 11 over now, think tide is turning, something is wrong with alien, seems to be getting sluggish, took advantage of sluggishness, punched alien in face as hard as possible, with all my might, all my power, everything I had, hand is now broke, alien did not notice punch, no effect, alien bit my neck, wish I was in alley, mallet would be effective here, no squirrel this alien is, wish alien WAS squirrel or duck, am going to imagine alien is chimpanzee next round, alien did fall and stumble late in round, I danced and did moonwalk, alien spit acid on foot while dancing, beeatch, something is definitely wrong with alien.

I AM VICTORIOUS, turns out I lost pinky fingernail when hand was stuck in alien cooch, fingernail lodged in alien caused abscess, infection set it, appears viral system of alien is much faster than human, alien keeled over, died, horrible looking discharge, not pretty sight, glad alien is dead, do not want to fight anymore, want bullet tooth tony to be my sub

Manager - Whapper, I'm going to tell you this once, and once only. There's no crying in fights to the death.

I lined you up a creampuff second rounder versus the winner of ne0 and Jason, after your stunning upset of the Alien all the smart money in Vegas is gunna be lining up... and that's why I put manager JR's college fund on you at the pre-tourney odds of 1000 to one!

So buck up kid, I'll cut yer eyes open if need be.

Get some rest this morning, here's a double sawbuck, get yourself some hookers and gin.

The Whapper (9 - 1)