A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes."
"Did it hurt?" "Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver-I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
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A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.
Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him.
In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?"
In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, sir."
A father walked into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid was spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walked through the market, someone bumped into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin went straight into his mouth and lodged in his throat. He immediately started choking and going blue in the face, and his Dad started panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged man in a gray suit was sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looked up, put his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded his newspaper and placed it on the counter. He got up from his seat and made his way nonchalantly across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully took hold of the kid’s gonads and squeezed gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the quarter, which the man caught in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man gave the coin to the father and walked back to his seat in the coffee bar without looking back.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed over to the man and thanked him profusely. The man looked embarrassed and brushed off the father’s thanks. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. What are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens no," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."
A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.
Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him.
In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?"
In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, sir."
A really drunk man rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his drunk state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
ABOUT TWO HOURS(Rated PG)
"About two hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!"
Twisted Sister(Rated PG)
A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "Now she knows."
Stupid(Rated PG)
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself."
Smart speeder!(Rated PG)
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car).
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
A mangy-looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And he's playing really well, too. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money, another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He is a fine singer, with a marvelous voice and great pitch. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
On this morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"
She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir I think I will report him." The woman says.
"You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
Dying Breath(Rated PG)
Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor.
As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note.
Then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died.
"You know," he said, "ol Fred handed me a note just before he died.
I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
A man approached his family physician and said,
"Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days."
The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed,
"Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?"
"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?"
Absolution(Rated PG-13)
While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.
The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"
"I hired people to break into the Watergate Hotel."
The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?"
"I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied.
"Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?"
"Monica Lewinsky." The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm..... Perhaps you should remain standing."
BIRDS AND THE BEES...(Rated PG-13)
(Rated R)
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go
into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says if
you can convince over 5 people to stop doing drugs for the
rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail. So the two men
agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So
the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how
they did. "I got 17 people to get off drugs." "Wow, how'd you do that?" asks the judge. "I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain
before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs. "Oh, that's nothing. I convinced 156 people to get off drugs." "Wow. How'd you do that?" "Well, I used circles too. I told them this large circle is your
butthole before prison..." A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the
following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 peach
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
1 single frozen pizza
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says,
"Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How'd you
guess?'
He says, 'Because you're ugly.'
Congratulations(Rated PG-13)
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
SORE THROAT(Rated PG-13)
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.
He gets out his light and says, "Open wide".
"I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."
Irish Confessional(Rated PG-13)
Tommy Shaugnessy enters a confessional box and says, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you again, Tommy Shaugnessy?"
"Yes, father. It is."
"And who was the woman you were with? Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies, "I can not say."
"Patricia Kelly? Liz Quinn? Or was it Maggie Leonard?"
"I'm sorry. I wont name her."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaugnessy, and I admire that. But you must atone."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What did you get?"
"Four good leads." says Tommy.
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away." Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob,... something about the emergency brake." Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class, "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to ten times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to ten times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson. "Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have three things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
WINE BOTTLE(Rated PG-13)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man; The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday...
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Still up in bed(Rated R)
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his
grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out
to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his
grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in
bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he
asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother
replied "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what
gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to
laugh! what is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "well last
night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I
gave him super glue.
Wedding Night(Rated R)
John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex.
"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.
So he waits.
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"
John says, "You're kidding!"
Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."
Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John," she said "You might as well go to sleep."
"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to
close my eyes!"
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Busted(Rated PG-13)
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Checkout(Rated PG-13)
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Amish Ticket(Rated PG-13)
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Dirty Mind(Rated PG-13)
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Let's Get Married(Rated PG)
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My Dog 'Sex'(Rated R)
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Professer of Mathematics(Rated R)
-Your Husband"
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