Title: Reflecting
Written For: Shona
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: All familiar characters and locations remain the
property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy and anyone else who has a
stake in them.
Spoilers: Post Chosen

A/N.  I apologise for the pun

The fresh air brushed against her face. She was surprised how hot it had got: she didn't think that she knew so many people. She'd spent most of the night being congratulated on hitting the big 5-0, yet so few knew the truth, she was quite possibly the longest lived of her line. Apart from the times she died, obviously, but she'd stopped counting those years ago?

She could still remember her first day at Sunnydale High, her horror when she realised that Giles was one of them, that she could never escape her calling. She had felt truly alone that day, she had no one that she could turn to. It was going to be a repeat of Hemery apart from it wouldn't be an aging American that she failed it would be a coffee drinking English guy. Even though she was the one who won out in the dying and coming back to life came that she had played with the master, she had lost a part of herself.

You're the one that sets me free

She smiled as she remembered Angel, a part of her would always be his. She wished she'd been in LA to help, only Spike and Illyria survived. He'd died fighting and he'd won, what more could she ask for. Even though months had gone by when he was still alive without them speaking, she had always found it comforting to know that he had been there. She missed him, a lot.

Now that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends...No hope. Take all that away... and what's left?

She'd never managed to get to the bottom of Faith's relationship with the mayor but she always regretted the fact the Faith had always felt alone in Sunnydale. It had turned out OK in the end but things would have been so much easier if it hadn't gone wrong early on. Faith knew some neat tricks which she was grateful had been shared with Xander.

What a day this is

"Buffy" she turned round and saw Giles. He walked along the porch and stood next to her and hung his stick up on the railings and Buffy resumed to stare out into the darkness.

"What's on your mind?"

"I... I was just thinking about how I ended up here"

"Florida?"

"No!"

"Reflecting?"

"I suppose so"

"You'll depress yourself"

"I was just thinking that there's only us three left of the original scoobies."

"Don't"

"Spikes gone as well"

Silence. After the battle in LA she had gone to spike for comfort. Unfortunately things had got rather heated and she had thrown him through a wall in a moment of passion, a wooden wall. He picked up a couple of splinters on the way through.

"You're happy enough now aren't you?"

"Yes of course. Happier than I ever thought possible."

A beat

Should she tell him now or wait?

Could she bear to see the look on his face when he realised that she would soon be leaving him too?

Her courage failed her.

How could she, a slayer, admit that the lump inside her was going to kill her and there was nothing that anybody could do about it?

"Is something wrong?"

Do you even know who you are?

Another figure appeared on the porch, her husband.

"Alright Buff, G-man"

"I wish you would call me that"

"What are you two doing out here, all alone, or daren't I ask?"

"We're just getting some air Xander."

"Well, we're all set inside so have you got enough or do you need a couple more breaths?"

"I'll be in a moment"

"Good, we'll sure Shona a good time"

"Xander!"

Live. For me

Two pairs of feet scampered round the corner.

"Mom, come on everybody's waiting for you."

"Just give me a minute."

"Are you going to have to go off on another mission?"

"No, not tonight"

"Are you retiring?"

"NO! Now get back inside before you make Mommy angry"

They ran off giggling

It doesn't matter. I'll still love you

The three of them stood in silence. Buffy wanted to tell them but she didn't even know how to begin/. She thought back to that day on the rim of the crater that used to be Sunnydale. For a moment she thought she'd won but then the reality hit her that she was a mere foot soldier in a never ending battle. She was looking forward to carrying on the fight. Then she lost Willow, then Spike and then worse of all Dawn. It was Xander who kept her together, she'd never know how he'd managed it. Surely she should tell him, he deserved that much at least. Words failed her.

Are you ready to be strong?