Peace on Earth
Doubled
I don't know what to do. If I could say "I'm miserable,"
it wouldn't be so bad. I can't say "We're miserable" either because
I can only partly speak for myself even though I'm still Ijon Tichy. I used to
talk to myself while I shaved but I had to stop because of my left eye's lewd
winking. Coming back in the LEM, I didn't realize what happened to me just
before lift-off. The LEM, by the way, doesn't have anything to do with the
American NASA module manned by Armstrong and Aldrin to collect a couple of
moon rocks. It was given the same name to disguise my secret mission. Damn
that mission. When I returned from the Calf constellation, I intended to stay
put for at least a year. But I agreed to go for the sake of mankind. I knew I
might not come back. Doctor Lopez said my chance of survival was one in twenty
point eight. That didn't stop me: I'm a gambler. You only die once. Either I
come back or I don't, I said to myself. It never occurred to me that I might
come back but not come back because we would come back. To explain I'll have
to release some highly classified information but I don't care. That is,
partly. I'm writing this too only partly and with great difficulty, typing
with the right hand. The left I had to tie to the arm of the chair because it
kept tearing the paper out of the machine. It wouldn't listen to reason, and
while I was immobilizing it, it punched me in the eye. It's because of the
doubling. Our brains all have two hemispheres connected by the corpus callosum
or great commissure. Two hundred million white nerve fibers connect the brain
so it can put its thoughts together but not in my case. It happened on that
range where the moon robots tested their new weapons. I stumbled in there by
mistake. I'd accomplished my mission, had outsmarted those unliving creatures,
and was on my way back to the LEM when I had to urinate. There are no urinals
on the moon. They wouldn't work anyway in a vacuum. You have a little
container in your suit, just like Armstrong and Aldrin, so you can relieve
yourself anytime, anywhere, but somehow I couldn't, not there in the full sun
in the middle of the Sea of Serenity. Not far from me was a solitary boulder.
I went over to its shadow. How was I to know there was an ultrasound-inducing
field there? While I'm urinating, I feel this little snap. Like a crack in the
neck, only higher, in the middle of the skull. It was a remote callotomy. It
didn't hurt. I felt funny but the feeling passed and I continued on my way.
The strangeness I attributed to an understandable excitement, considering all
I had been through. The right hand is controlled by the left hemisphere of the
brain. That's why I said I was writing only partly. My right hemisphere
obviously doesn't approve of what I'm writing. And I can't say "I'm
writing"-it's my left hemisphere that's writing. I'll have to reach some
compromise with the opposition because I can't sit forever with
my hand tied. I've tried to appease it but nothing works. It's arrogant,
aggressive, vulgar. Fortunately it can read only certain parts of speech,
nouns mainly. I know this because I've been reading up on the subject. It
doesn't understand verbs or adjectives, so while it's watching I have to
express myself carefully. Will this work? I don't know. And why is it that all
the civilized behavior is in the left hemisphere?
Translated by Michael Kandel, Harcourt Brace