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She Wishes (1/?)
By Starbuck_Jayne
Starbuck_Jayne@mulderandscully.co.uk

Rating: G I think but I really don't know!

Spoilers: Requiem, Jersey Devil, Paper Clip, 
and Emily   

Keywords:  Post-Requiem, Scully angst, MSR

Disclaimer:  Not mine wish they were.  Just 
borrowing, will be returned before season 8 
Mr. CC, 1013 and Fox etc.  Inspired once 
more by Lene Marlin's "One Year Ago".  The 
really is the most *amazing* post-Requiem 
song!!  Not mine either (yeah like I'm that 
talented)

Archive:  Anywhere at all just please keep 
my name and e-mail attached.

Summary:  Four years on and still no Mulder...

Feedback:  On my knees and begging for it.

Author's Notes: I wrote this one in a 
complete burst which I never do so by the 
time it has been posted it'll be too late!  
It is based on spoilers I was sent by a 
friend before Requiem.  Hey at least I hope 
they were spoilers and I haven't ripped off 
someone's story!  Please read PLEASE 
respond!  Dedicated to Jill cos she's the 
best!  And all my other shippers of course 
(specially Pippa who got me hooked in the 
first place!)

And She Wishes

Starbuck_Jayne

Four years is a long time to wait...for 
anything.  In four years you become 
impatient, aggravated, annoyed.  But 
normally in four years you are able to get 
on with your life.  You have time to forget, 
push the eagerly awaited new 
car...home...promotion or whatever to the back 
of your mind.  Or at least relocate it 
somewhere.  For Dana Scully it was 
different.  That coming Tuesday it was four 
years since he disappeared, and yet, in 
those four years not once had she managed to 
stop thinking about him.  Each night he was 
the centre of her dreams and each day 
finding him was the centre of her every 
investigation, the top of her "to do" list 
and the reason behind her every tear.

She cried now.  Resting her head on hands 
supported by the wooden pew below.  The 
scenario bore striking resemblances to one 
of their first cases together.  They had 
been sent to find a small girl, and the 
whole ordeal had reminded her partner of the 
loss of his own sister.  She realised now 
what he must have suffered.  She realised 
now why it had been so important for him to 
find Samantha.  It was like a wound that 
could never heal, always susceptible to 
further hurt.  And the pain it caused was 
unbearable-Scully had never experienced such 
remorse.  Not when her father died, or even 
her sister...the person she had thought she 
was closest to in the whole world.  That was 
just it though-she was assuming Mulder was 
dead, she didn't even know.

There was a small tug on her sleeve and 
Scully turned to see her son, gazing up at 
her through dampened hazel eyes.

"Don't cry, mommy," he begged.

Smiling sadly Scully lifted the toddler onto 
her lap and kissed his forehead, smoothing 
down his tousled dark hair.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," she whispered, "guess 
I just miss your daddy sometimes."

Scully took his hand and together they left 
the cool confines of the church, stepping 
out into the warm sunlight.

Throughout her pregnancy she had spent 
countless nights just sitting by the window 
in her apartment, staring up at the stars.  
Begging them to let her have him back.  When 
she went into labour she had cried the whole 
time.  Screaming out for him, knowing he 
wasn't there for the birth of their child.  
What had the doctors done?  Assumed it was 
just labour pains and prescribed more 
painkillers.  It was nay wonder Matthew 
wasn't born with a serious addiction!

She smiled lovingly at her son.  She didn't 
know how it was possible; she didn't really 
want to.  All that mattered was it had 
happened and Matthew was living proof that 
miracles exist.  For that she thanked God at 
every waking moment.  She just wished...she 
wished he'd been there.  He'd have teased 
her no end about her size that's for sure!  
But he'd have been there the first time she 
felt the baby kick, watched as he took his 
first step and clapped in delight as he 
spoke his first word.  "Da-da".  Very 
fitting Matthew, yes.

"Can we go to the park, mommy?" he wanted to 
know, pulling at her sleeve again.  He'd 
have his father's strength no doubt.  Scully 
laughed.

"I don't see why not.  But mommy has to pick 
up some files from work first, ok sweetie?" 

Matthew smiled; he didn't seem to mind the 
trips into the Hoover Building too much.  
His mom would sometimes tell him stories 
about his daddy-how they used to go off on 
adventures together, chasing aliens and 
fighting off evil monsters.  Matthew would 
sit on the edge of the desk, wide-eyed; 
thumb resting on the lip of a mouth which 
remained open in wonder.  Sometimes, if he 
was especially good, the little boy's 
patience would be rewarded with a sunflower 
seed from the packet hidden inside the desk.  
Scully had found herself craving the 
wretched things when she became pregnant, 
but now the pack remained in Mulder's drawer 
simply out of tradition.

Strictly speaking, the children of employees 
were not allowed inside the FBI's 
headquarters but the director, Walter 
Skinner, tended to make exceptions for 
Scully.  That and Agent Beech, her new 
partner and a family man himself, wasn't 
likely to snitch.  Scully collected the file 
and left.  She had found the office 
deserted, but a quick glance around had 
reassured her that all was well.  Mulder's 
poster remained in its spot above his desk 
and it was still his nameplate that hung 
from the door, claiming this as his 
territory.

"It's all here for you, Mulder," she 
thought, "it just needs you to get back and 
sort it out."  She flicked a tear from her 
eye with a swift hand movement, before 
closing the door and hurrying from the 
building.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

That night Scully was alone.  Bill and Tara 
were in town and had insisted on taking 
Matthew to stay with his older cousin.  
Curled up on the sofa Scully flipped through 
file after file of typed and hand-written 
notes.  Disappearances.  Abductions.  It was 
all there, it just wasn't providing her with 
any answers.   Closing her eyes to block the 
tears that threatened, Scully took a deep 
breath and set down the documents.  Pressing 
a hand to her face she began to sob.

"Four years Mulder, and still...I've let you 
down!"

The phone rang.  Her first thought was to 
ignore it but a glance at the clock told her 
it was after 1am-this had to be important...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

End or not?  Ok, now I have written more-is 
it worth posting or shall I just leave it as 
it is?  Please tell me!  I really appreciate 
comments of any kind but please, no flames.  
I'm too delicate!