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Title: Fic for the Dumped
Author: Poet
http://www.oocities.org/norseblue/main.html
http://www.oocities.org/norseblue/myfic/myfic.html
Lister dumps Rimmer. Rimmer takes revenge.
An extremely tame Lister/Rimmer thing. As for ownership... They're mine, mine I tell you! All mine!! Oh look! Those nice young men in their clean white coats are coming to take me away...
Notes: I've only seen series 5, 6, and 7 and just a handful of the rest of the eps, so grade on a curve. Takes place post-"Legion" and pre-"Stoke Me a Clipper." The title was taken from a Ben Folds Five song, "Song for the Dumped."
Warnings: Rated PG. None of my usual sappiness, just good old-fashioned payback!
Dedicated to Dervla cuz I love her and she helped me come up with cliches, and to Chriss's big stomping foot cuz I don't think anyone's dedicated a fic to the BSF, yet. *bg* (09/30/01)
~*~~*~~*~
Fic
for the Dumped
by Poet
~*~
"Rimmer, I need some space."
"You *what*?" Rimmer couldn't believe that those words in that order had just emanated from Lister's mouth. He checked his ears for hologrammatic earwax.
"You heard me, man," the other sighed. "I just think we're moving too fast, ya know? Slow it down a bit."
"I'm sorry, I must have misheard you. I could have sworn that you just said you wanted 'some space.'"
"We just need to take a break."
"Lister, we're lost in deep space, three million years from Earth, and you're the last human in existence. How much more 'space' do you need?" he cried, gesturing to the observation window and the lightyears of nothing *but* space that surrounded Starbug.
"Rimmer, we just weren't meant to be, but you're gonna make somebody very happy one day."
Rimmer stared in disbelief. "Who? Cat?"
Lister's only response was a half-hearted shrug. He turned to walk from the room but stopped as he reached the door, looking back at his now former lover. "Rimmer, I'm sorry. This is just the way I am. Really, it's not--"
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Rimmer sighed, defeated. "It's not me, it's you."
"Can we still be friends?"
Lister exited quickly, before the astro-navigation textbook that was accelerating towards his head had time to make contact.
~*~
"But Mr. Rimmer, sir, I *can't* do this to Mr. Lister. It goes against all my programming!" Kryten exclaimed, wringing his hands in anxiety.
"It's what he *wants*, Kryten. He said so. Don't you want to give Listy what he wants?" Rimmer reasoned, putting an arm around the mechanoid's shoulder. He could see the wheels turning inside that plastic skull.
"Well, I *do* want Mr. Lister to be happy..." Kryten trailed off.
"It's settled then!" Rimmer beamed. "Marvellous! He wants space? I'll give him space!"
~*~
"Oh Listy, wakey-wakey!"
"Just two more minutes, Rimmer..." Lister muttered before realizing there was something wrong with Rimmer's voice. It sounded sort of like it was coming over a bad two-way radio; he opened his eyes a fraction and immediately realized why. It was coming over a bad two-way radio. "Rimmer? Where the smeg am I?!"
At first the only response was a sort of high-pitched braying that dissolved into static. "Rimmer, man, this isn't funny. Where am I?" he repeated.
"Why don't you have a look around, Listy?" came the crackling reply.
Lister tried turning his head from side to side, but it felt unusually cumbersome, and all he could see in any direction was stars, so he gave up. He attempted to scratch his badly itching nose, but the motion of his right arm set him into a spin. And then he saw it.
The tail end of Starbug.
And a long tether attaching his space-suited right foot to one of the rear struts. From the motion of the stars, he guessed they were traveling at about a dozen meters per second.
"You smeg head."
"Yes, Listy?" Rimmer answered in his best simpering git tone.
"What 'ave you done?"
"Listy, you did say you wanted some space?" he answered, feigning confusion.
"You *know* I didn't mean this!" Lister shrieked.
"Oh dear, Listy. I seem to have made something of a faux pas. I do hope we can still be friends."
Lister's reply got lost in sudden burst of static, which was probably for the best.
~*~
Please send any comments or feedback to Poet279@aol.com
:)